Fill in the blank here. Addicted spouse, sibling, friend.
Living with someone who is addicted is hard and you have had enough. The lying, manipulating is bad enough. Your loved one swears they are not using but you know the signs. They are not going to rehab as they said.
Why won’t they get help? Why are they lying? Why are they torturing you like this?
You think they are selfish and unkind but what you are seeing is the disease. Your loved one is buried under all that behavior. They have not surrendered to the fact they have a problem. And you probably haven’t surrendered to the fact that you need recovery, too. Your reactions to their disease are probably not helping. Because it’s cloudy when you’re trying to control the outcome over which you have no power. What’s more, it’s exhausting.
You are so tired of it and feel like you are a prisoner in your own home, afraid to leave your room at night for fear of what you might find. You are more terrified to walk into their room and find they are not breathing.
This has to stop or you will go out of your mind.
Watching someone you love more than your own soul succumb to this disease is not a bad movie, it’s your life. Pulling yourself out of the chaos emotionally is exceptionally challenging when your loved with SUD lives with you.
I have been there. And I’m going to level with you. There are no perfect solutions.
If they are 25 years old, they should be on their own supporting themselves. That’s what we do in the United States. But deciding what to do next is not a decision you should have to make. There should be solutions within the healthcare system for this disease like every other disease out there. For COVID we set up temporary hospitals but there are no rescue operations for the addicted–despite mortality numbers that eclipse almost any other disease, virus, or illness.
Many parents will rent or buy a place away from them for their loved one who is sick from substance use disorder. What usually ends up happening is that place away from you becomes a hangout to sell, buy, and do drugs. The parents find out, become more discouraged. And poorer.
I know parents whose kids have lived in the woods outside their home, the garage, the tool shed, a relative’s farm, a treehouse, or jail.
But what do you do?
Asking someone whom you know to be sick to leave your home when they have nowhere to go is not a move we want to make. And if you ask them to leave and they die? We fear living with that guilt.
We are sure it would then be our fault because we turned a sick person away, our own child in many cases, and now we have to live with our decision. We fear living with them as they are, too.
Before I go further into this conversation, let’s change the language.
Well-meaning friends say, “Kick him out of the house”
They wouldn’t find that so easy if it were their own. So eliminate the thought of “kicking” or “throwing” anyone out of the house.
For the sake of your own mental health and the safety of you and others in the household, you simply have found it impossible to live with your loved one suffering from SUD (substance use disorder or addiction).
Or maybe you haven’t yet found a solution with which you could live with your loved one who uses. Maybe their being there has made your relationship toxic and you need space to think without the constant worry of the safety of those in your home.
Know that if you ask them to move out, they will pull out every stop to make you feel like the worst human being alive. You are the worst parent, sibling, spouse, etc. Even if you offer a generous deadline. The person struggling with addiction can’t see past their habit. Their brains are holding them hostage and telling them that they NEED their drug and to maintain whatever circumstances they can to keep the supply coming.
They don’t want to go to sober living either
They’ll do anything to make you feel guilty for making that the option. Screaming, yelling, accusing you of not loving you sort of argument. After all, they know your soft spots and desperation has backed them into a corner and they’ll bring out their harshest weapons of love. Of course, a recovery house isn’t an option if they are using. They’d never qualify which is why you are in this quandary in the first place.
But if they are coming out of recovery? That’s where they should be. And that’s advice from those who fought it, lived through it, and found recovery. They’ll find friendship and support in a recovery house that holds them accountable.
Whatever you do right now has to come from a place of love and empathy. Making your love a bargaining chip contingent on their finding help will only add to their shame and accelerate their feelings of worthlessness. There is no way to shame someone into recovery.
In our situation, Charles went to detox, rehab, recovery house where he relapsed. They took him back to detox and he walked out of there. We had paid rent at the recovery house and that was the option we made available. The rest was up to him.
I know you wish I’d give you a recipe on how to usher them out gently with some sort of transition housing they’d qualify for as active users. And while there are those who’d say you are “enabling” them if you allow them to stay, I would never pass that judgment if that’s where you ended up.
Because this is an impossible situation, a gut-wrenching choice. And what you do depends on your individual situation, what you can and can’t live with.
What I will say is that you should become more educated and find support for yourself. Those who are in support groups have been through this and have weighed all the options and it’s where you’ll find more stories, examples, pros and cons. Because this is a family problem. And the answers are not easy.
My 30 years old son has a drug and alcohol problem. We finally told him if he didn’t go to rehab he had to move out of our house. He went to a 28 day program. He really let his bedroom go dirty food and alcohol bottles. While he was in rehab we fixed up his bedroom. Paint, carpet, furniture looked really great. Everything was great for about a month, we told him when he came home no drugs no alcohol and he had to keep his room clean. After a month Everything started all over again. Drinks drugs and his room is nasty again. Is kicking him out the right thing to do? Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Having a hard time knowing my son will be homeless but my husband thinks we should follow through. Thank you
Many families are in this spot. It’s so hard and I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. And neither of you is wrong. So I’m just going to ask questions and just say a few things so you can come up with a decision. Can you live like this?
One thought: Tell him you are willing to help him with the first three months rent at a recovery house. The caveat right not is that he is not sober so he will not qualify. But once he is there, he has to be the one to stay sober. That’s up to him. Then it’s out of your hands. If he gets kicked out, he’ll come to you but you’ll have to say that his home is at the recovery house.
I like how Ryan Hampton’s mom was in the book American Fix. Ryan didn’t live with his mother but couch surfed until that got old. She brought him food, talked on the phone, told him she loved him, met him for lunch. But her boundary was that he could not live with her. I think after rehab if it’s at all affordable, to send a loved one to a recovery house and NOT bring them home and offer to help with first month and after that it’s up to them.
Whatever you do, don’t withdraw love or use it as a bargain chip to push them into recovery. It’s more than you cannot live this way. My son had a roommate who was very messy and not addicted. The way he lived attracted roaches, rats, smelled bad and overall created poor living conditions for my son. So my son found his own place.
I would suggest going to something like Smart Recovery for families, Families anonymous and hear what others have done and how. I’m so sorry I can’t offer a recipe. But he is 30 and you can give him a move out deadline and pack his things and leave them outside on the day if he doesn’t comply.
Hi, Christine I am going through the same exact thing. My husband says same thing. We have been dealing with this a very long time since he was a teenager. He’s 31 now he’s overdose four times and we really can’t take any more so I’m trying to be strong to follow through with kicking him out. Totally understand how you feel I’m sorry we were going through this.
Lathe. If you don’t mind my asking what drug is your son addicted to? If it’s opioids I would highly recommend the book “complete Freedom from Opioid Addiction.” It will be out in may 2026. I read it and it’s helpful for the person addicted and the family. If he won’t read it yet, you should. I can help prevent future relapse. Written by one of the top detox docs on the country. (Retired)
https://drpetercoleman.com/
I’m in the same quandary. My 34 yo daughter will be homeless when I move next month. I feel so guilty and scared for her, but I am at my breaking point emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Best wishes to you and your family!
We all know they can die upstairs or die on the street with this disorder. Sigh. But I do so understand the dilemma and the guilt. At some point we just can’t take it any more. Come back and update us.
I have a 34 yr. Old who is like a son to me that is severely addicted to crack. This has been significantly escalating over the last year. He is to the point now that crisis & police say he’s in psychosis. He feels that he is being electrocuted over & over. He believes electricity is coming from button’s on pants, remotes, cell phones ect. & has destroyed them because of it. Yet when police come they are not transporting him to a psychiatric hospital & its a law. What can be done if anything. Also should he be around a young child that he does love? Should he drive? He is living with his family. Please advise
Chris I am so sorry. He is definitely dangerous and should not be living with the family. I can’t believe that have not committed him. Unfortunately they often wait until they’ve done something. But if he is a danger to himself and others he needs to be secured for now. I suspect there are so many it’s not happening because there is nowhere for him to go.
Keep pushing. I don’t know she state you are in but you can start going through the process for a TDO. It’s a pain and tough to get through all the hoops. It’s a temporary detention order. And from there you can have him committed usually to a state facility. But there are few beds available. Have you found support for you? I would seek that out. Those groups know what the process is for your area. So there is NAMI family support group. There is Families Anonymous. There are also county hotlines you can call to find a group for you and then you can get real info from other families going through this. It helped me. Let me know how you are doing. ♥️
We have a 15 year old addict. He started at around 13 smoking weed with a friend at college. He won the Truman University JBA award and went to college for 3 weeks. He came back changed. We didn’t know what was going on. Now he’s almost 16 and out of control. We have put him in rehab three times. The last time was for three months. He was home a couple of days and stole money and snuck out and bought weed. We have everything locked up but he breaks into things and steals money to get his drugs. When he can’t get any money he cuts himself and threatens to kill himself . Also threatens me and my wife. He has attacked me and punched me. Screaming at me and my wife. We love him and won’t give up on him. But my wife has cancer and my heart is only working at 30%. We can’t stand toe to toe with him anymore. We have therapist working with him and he’s going to groups but we’re not seeing any improvement. We are scared we will find him dead some morning. But like you said. There is no easy answers. Thank you for letting us vent.
Marijuana use at that age and to that degree of use is likely triggering psychotic episodes in addition to typical addiction behavior such as the stealing money. And marijuana is addictive. Don’t let anyone say it’s not.
First, I’m so sorry to hear that you are both unwell. This kind of torture is not helping your health.
At his age, 16, you actually cannot ask him to leave in the USA. We were in that spot, too. That is one of the reasons we sent my son to therapeutic boarding school. Not plan A. In our case, our son wasn’t dangerous to us physically, but he was dangerous in terms of doing drugs and falling asleep while cooking at 2am. Breaking into neighbor’s homes and stealing their drugs, driving under the influence with cars and insurance in our name, letting sketchy strangers in our house at odd hours.
So if I had anything to add is that you can’t change him. You can change yourself. I know you are exhausted. (I’ve been there.) But if you can attend a group (families anonymous for example) you can find support there and see what others have done. I would also recommend communicating differently. And that is CRAFT, Community Reinforcement and Family Training. You can learn through video or through books how to communicate differently which changes how they react. It might make things less combative.
This disorder sucks. And when they start this early it’s even harder. My son started at 15. At any rate, I hear you. I have a PDF of books and podcasts and such. http://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/wp-content/uploads/resources-for-families-addiction-mentalhealth.pdf
Hello Anne, I am just seeking you opinion, a neighbour of mine has a 38 yro son who has long standing substance and gambling issues, he also has ADHD, so does she, and they have a very strange co depenancy relationship, ( he is very much a mummys boy, and has very childish behaviour, so does she) sadly his father who is divorced from the mother many years ago, rejected him as a teenager, so had no strong male for guidance, only a mother who lived as an indulgant/ hoarder, and is now broke herself, after going through a couple of million $ in divorce payout. For the past 18 months ( since being evicted from a flat ) he has been living with his mother, the typical has happened, not paying bored, messy, lying, theiving etc. She has had enough, which is understandable, however, where I think this will go badly, is that her son has gone away for a few days, and without consulting or warning him she has got a person in to pack up all his belongings into moving boxes. I just think this will go badly, I believe you need to tell them first, what do you think ?
Regards
Kim
That’s a tough one. We don’t know if there have been threats. I don’t know if it would come to that for me or not. After decades maybe someone gets to the point where they have just had it. So I don’t think I would. But I can’t say for sure. It seems harsh to us given what we know.
Are you concerned about your own safety being close by?
No perfect answers. We have to do what we have to do keep ourselves and our family safe. I am so sorry.
About 4 years ago my son was 29 he was acting weird and then leaves and calls me and tells me I think I killed my sisters guinea pig which I knew he had him out of the cage and ib his room I heard the pig squealing which he would do when he was playing even when playing with my Rottie so when he said that I ran upstairs got the pig out and he died in my hands my son had stabbed him again and again with a screwdriver those squeals haunt me everyday. He finally came home and I went to leave with my Rottie I was scared he blocked me from leaving took my Rottie out back and held a knife to his throat my daughter was able to go out the front door and call the police ( I’m from a law enforcement family) some of my friends were on duty ,my son called us devils saying he was Jesus the standoff went on for hours thankfully they got him to a hospital and my dog wasnt hurt well he was then diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia and he was using cocaine so they got him on the right meds eventually I let him come back he was doing great working 2 jobs then one night thank God I heard something fall upstairs it was a heavy glass ashtray my son cut his arm where you bend it and said let me die he was mins away from bleeding out I had never seen so much blood before it was heartbreaking and terrifying again he was doing good again until this past month he went to the hospital on Jan 25th to Feb 4th he was in physcosis and using cocaine he got out the 4th and got paid $800 the next day he stole $ from my cash app he was on another cocaine binge and not taking his meds well the next week he got almost $4,000 from taxes he hadn’t slept but a few hours in 2 weeks his $ is probably all gone I found his tray with lines on it all the baggies I got him to go to the hospital Friday night he was in complete physcosis so they took him right back and he is still in there and I’m so afraid he is going to come back and do the same thing or hurt me ,he has nowhere else to go my stress is so bad I can’t sleep being scared and I already had one stroke.I was able to get into his phone last night and saw the texts from his 2 drug dealers my son accusing the one of ripping him off and the guy saying if he doesn’t pay him he will send his 2 son’s here so tomorrow I will be going to a detective with the texts I don’t know what else to do
Jill this is so so difficult. Since he is away from you now, look into your options. You can’t let him come live with you as it is dangerous. TDO for your state is one thing to look up. But also you can call your chapter of NAMI, national alliance of mental illness and they have a helpline. So you can see what options you have. It sounds like he might need supervised living that is not supervised by you. He is a danger to himself and others. And that, my friend, is an important distinction.
I have a sick son too. Notice they never do nice things in psychosis. They become dangers to themselves and others. All of our love cannot save them. I hope you find a place to house him. If not, he can never be trusted in your home again.
As sad as it makes me, my son can be homeless. I’ve seen his own kind of crazy and that’s enough for me. Our safety and well being is equally important as theirs. We can do nothing to make them well but God can. We pray for their healing, their safety, and ours too.
That doesn’t mean they need to be anywhere near us. I realize a court order for them to stay off our property is something they can violate, but it can also be grounds for arrest. Something is better than nothing. Sometimes I feel like moving away not telling him my address.
My daughter is 25. She has been struggling with addiction since she was 17.
At this moment she has just come home off a week long bender with her abusive boyfriend who she has once again split up with (this has been going on 4 years) once again she is telling me she is going to go sober.
After 8 years we are codependent and I’m struggling to draw the boundaries that need drawing.
I keep thinking we have hit rock bottom, but she always pulls another out of the bag.
I have flown across the world to save her from a meth den, she has been hospitalised for drinking petrol.
She is on probation.
She has not had a job in years.
She spends her money on drugs and alcohol and then pleads poverty and I have to buy her food.
She steals.
Lies.
Manipulates.
She is on all manner of prescription drugs, antidepressants, antipsychotics, pain meds.
She self harms all the time and has had to have surgery on her nerves because of the cutting.
After a recent previous bender she came down hard and has a psychotic break, waving a knife around and screaming at me until I had to physically restrain her and take the knife away. I asked her to leave, and she simply said no. Which is what she has said the last 2 times too.
I can’t cope anymore. I’m so scared she will kill herself if I make her leave. So I carry on letting her live with me, which is causing me to get into debt as I can’t afford to pay for her.
I just want her to leave most days. But I love her so much, and I just don’t know what to do…
No parent on the planet should ever be faced with this and have to make these choices. We can agree on that right? It sucks. And just because our child is addicted doesn’t mean we don’t love them. But I think it is at a point where you can’t live with this because it puts your life at risk. What’s more, it puts your neighbors at risk, too.
You said, “I’m so scared she will kill herself if I make her leave.” She can do that in your home, too and usually do. And because she is addicted and has mental health issues she is already at elevated risk of suicide and you cannot fix that. You have tried and tried, and tried. It just is.
You simply need to ask yourself, “Can I continue to live like this?” And “Will she get better if she lives with me or does she have no incentive?” I can’t answer that for you. But I think have an answer is it just plain sucks and there are no good answer.
Think of it like this. You can tell her, “As much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t.” So you are not weaponizing your love or holding your love hostage until she “recovers.” That won’t work anyway. You love her period.
But maybe you can’t live with her any more. How you will get her to leave, I’m not sure. That’s not always easy. But your life is at risk and that’s a boundary that she has crossed not you.
Whatever you decide, I won’t judge. Because who am I to judge?
If I were to offer anything it would be to find a group like Al Anon, Nar Anon, Families Anonymous, a CRAFT group for support. You are going to need it. I did. Much love momma bear.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know your love for her is unconditional.
My father had to move to another state. It made him sad every day to leave my brother behind but he funded my brother with his savings for 20 years and now my father is in a nursing home with no savings and Medicaid dependent. My brother is still alive, barely and pulls it together from time to time.
You’ve got to let go of any guilt you have. You may not have been able to change her trajectory. Support group for you are the answer. To help you move forward with your life with a space for her. Otherwise you’re enablement of her will spiral you both. Not just her.
Support group helped me a lot. There is Families Anonymous, SMART Recovery for Families in case anyone needs that. I found they had more bandwidth for listening and understanding. Also, I didn’t need to talk much. I learned more my hearing other people’s stories.
You’re going to end up like Rob and Michele Reiner if you keep this up. She waved a knife at you. The sweet little girl you once knew is gone.
My belief is that there’s someone who loves my child far more than me: God. My child came into this world with a mission. It’s up to my child to find out what that is, just as we all have to find out. Enabling her is not going to help her complete that mission.
I think psychosis, alcohol and a recent change in psychiatric medication for schizophrenia fueled Nick Reiner’s rage. And that just goes to show you that no matter how much money you have there are no great answers.
The Reiners had likely not chosen to commit nick to a psychiatric hospital because we know that the first 30 days after release increases risk of suicide. And in his case I think the parents were more concerned about suicide and murder wasn’t even a thought in their head.
No parent is equipped to manage all this and the outcome is often shocking. I thought my son needed to hit rock bottom before turning things around. He did only his rock bottom was suicide which never occurred to me.
I do think if we notice that our love one under the influence shows violent tendencies it needs to be a warning sign. That doesn’t mean everyone is for-sure safe if the individual with sud doesn’t live at home. All of this is so complicated. I just had to jump in and say that.
It’s been 48 hours since I found out my 17 year daughter had been using cocaine since May. She said she couldn’t handle depression anymore and seeks out the drug to help her. The addition took over very quickly. I know who the dealer is and so hasn’t want to have him arrest but she is not scared she will know it had something g to do with her.
She is under the care of a psychiatrist and therapist. She asked for help telling us but unfortunately it came out before she could. All of the lies and anger are killing me and we are just beginning. They reported her because she admitted to driving under the influence and she only had her license since May. She swears that she wants to stop and is willing to participate in treatment and I see it but I wonder if she’s lying after all of this.
She is fortunate enough that I have connections in mental health and she was seen by a team in 2 weeks after she told me she was suicidal (this was end of June) but did not tell me about the cocaine use at that point. She was out on antidepressants almost a year ago so the family doctor added another. I’m so sad that she has been drinking, cannabis use and cocaine under my roof and I had no idea I thought she was getting better.
I feel like a failure of a mother because i didn’t see the signs. I’m hoping with getting her help so soon and being supportive that we can succeed but I just feel so hopeless when she tells me I want to get help and get better because I don’t want to hurt those around me but I told her she needs to want this for herself or we won’t succeed.
She tells me I hate self I don’t care what happens to me. I’m scared I’ll wake up and she will be gone I don’t know how much more help I can ask for – she’s got the team I’m just scared she won’t use it. She told me yesterday she’s happy with the support team. She has bet used since Wednesday (today is Saturday) and decided to quit cold turkey. Doc prescribed meds to help with come down. I’m so scared what is next
Your daughter is sincere in her wish to get help. That’s what I believe. But do know that manipulation is the hallmark of addiction. They all do it and it’s not personal but part of the disorder and the feelings of shame and unworthiness. She loathes herself for feeling weak and letting you all down. I know this after reading so many stories, rap songs by my son, poems by others and just listening. I would advise going to an open NA meeting. They are listed online. You won’t say anything, just observe. It was eye opening for me.
Buckle up because this will be hard. I have included a pdf of resources to guide you. It’s so hard. I felt like a failure, too. But once I went to families anonymous I discovered so many wonderful parents and felt less like the worst mom in the world. That’s a process, too.
I also learned not to project and hover over scenarios that had not happened. It took a while but that skill was a good one to learn and I use it today. Staying in the present is the best you can do. Wandering into catastrophizing makes you feel worse. We all do it. I did it. And I worked hard to stop because I wanted to lessen the suffering. And there is suffering. I want you to know that despite what happened to me, recovery is not only possible it’s probable. I’m in the minority. Much love. I have been there. Free PDF for families: http://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/wp-content/uploads/resources-for-families-addiction-mentalhealth.pdf
Sorry you are going through this with your young daughter. I hope she grows out of it and gets the help she deserves. The only way through it is through it. Not over it. Try taking her to Narcotics Anonymous meetings for young people.at least EVERY SINGLE EVENING for 90 days. That part is VERY important because of the ‘habit rule’. Also there is nothing to be prescribed your being ripped off by your doctor. He has no clue about addiction I am sorry to say because stopping cocaine for any length of time even 1 hour…Is the come down. Very down. She may need anti depressants or mood stabilisers for a pick me up. Weed helps. Alcohol is a depressants. Weed can be too. The Dr’s can not prescribe anything apart from sleeping tablets. If given you deffo need monitor these. There is not anything more stronger than pain killers or sleeping tablets to prescribe an addict. Anything given needs to be short-term or addictions starts right up again. God bless you and her. I am very hopeful for you both especially her. I hope she gives herself a chance.
Just read your article about kicking your child out of the house. My daughter is 31 and has been an alcoholic for 7 yrs. I’ve always makes excuses for her and took care of her, till August 2024 she started working with her father in our shop, well only a month later, I was a lazy piece of crap and she treated me like that. Oh I forgot her daughter has lived with us most of her life and I’ve always take care of her. The blow up was December 2024, my daughter attacked me with her daughter right there, saying I was stealing her child(I have Guardianship over her daughter for almost 2 yrs she’s now 11) she was handcuffed and put in the car, her daughter was tragically upset as the officer came to take to me. I decided not to press charges and she came in and went to bed. I thought she would see she went way to far, nope not her, the tension in the house was horrible so got the police report, filed for a restraining order and she was kick out. I will not have ant contact with her, her daughter can’t have contact until she gets court order supervised visits and calls. My daughter has been out of the house for 5 months and it’s taken that long to get her daughter thru counseling and to feel safe. Now her daughter’s Grandmother is texting that my daughter is crying and wants to talk to her and tell her I love her so nothing happens to her,I texted her back and told I will always love her but no call. I enable my daughter by not putting boundaries, she’s get drunk and runs always for days then I would get phone calls and go get her, then it was staying in her room for a week totally drunk, well I have boundaries now and for her daughter’s sake I’m not letting this behavior affect her life anymore. My daughter doesn’t want to quit drinking so there nothing I can do. Am I missing something, should I be doing something more?
It’s so hard to have to make these decisions and have boundaries. The disorder has overtaken her and because she uses she lacks the emotional regulation skills others of us have acquired. You have to hold to them for the child’s sake. It’s not worth having her spiral into trauma again and you’d be the one to pick up pieces.
You can always make a list of what you are willing to do. For example you will say “as much as I want you to get well, I love you even if you don’t. However given what’s happened in the past with the child, she has to come first.” So basically I am defining the boundaries from a place of love. I know it makes you angry, it would make me angry, but she numbs out her mistakes right now with alcohol and isn’t emotionally in a place to accept responsibility. She might get there. She might not. But I don’t think you are doing the wrong thing.
The hard part is setting the boundaries with love. To come to a place where you feel less anger. For yourself. For the child’s sake. And for your daughter with addiction. Look into CRAFT. While you have set the boundaries and good for you, I think emotionally you could use support also— a way to reframe the frustration so it’s less painful and there is less resentment.
It’s our recovery too. She might not have chosen recovery yet but you should. By doing that you can develop responses to the texts that are more neutral. Those who are addicted will do anything to try and get their way. They know how to pull out all the heartstrings.
Two things that helped me the most. Going to a support group for parents if the addicted. And here’s the one that was so amazing. I went so open AA groups. Open groups allow guests. You can bear witness to their shame and guilt and better understand substance use disorder. It helped me tons. You don’t do anything but watch. And after stick around in the background and the ones in recovery will come talk to you. I learned so much from that experience. I went back several times to different ones.
Much love to you. You are a good mom. And I know this is heartbreaking. Most of all I am grateful the grandchild has you.
To be honest with you. If she was my daughter she would have been gone at an earlier age for starters. Fighting Ng you in front of your grand daughter is totally unacceptable. She has no respect for you or her daughter. The impact this will have on your grand daughter is terrible. She might treat you later in in life the way her mother treated you. No…. You need to let go, pray and let God take care of your daughter. Any sign of wellness then support her as best yiu can but with caution. Trust is built and right now she ain’t earned anything. God bless you.
You know the old saying wait till they hit rock bottom, but unfortunately some people have more than one rock bottom and she seems to be in the extreme denial phase. Let’s hope she has some sort of enlightenment, she has to be sick and tired of being sick . Help won’t come unless she wants it .
All true my friend. They have to have some level of investment in the process and we can’t do it for them. Sigh. Thanks for commenting JD
My son is 41 years old. We have dealt with this since he was a teenager. I’m raising his son who is now 15 . It was either my husband and I or foster care as the birth mom was also drug addicted so he came to us as a 7 month old baby who tested positive for meth. His mom was breastfeeding him and doing meth. She got arrested and went to jail for a year my son was incarcerated soon after and they were never together again. My son was also incarcerated when his son was born.
I’ve sent him to countless rehab facilities, we’ve been to family counseling. He has 2 brothers that attended all the counseling sessions as well. We did everything we could do to help him. Each time if he even stayed he’d get out and go right back to drugs. One of the rehabs I got him all checked in and when I got back they told he ran off. The money, the cars, everything his little brothers had to endure with me constantly worried and crying. Now fast forward to present time. I have let him come home to live with us after 3 different prison incarnations and some 18 mos some 3 years some 6 yrs.
He comes with the condition he cannot do drugs in our home and if he starts using he is to leave and don’t put his son or us thru the waiting nightmare that always follows once he starts using. He just finished a year long drug program in prison after serving another 3 years. I let him talk me into living with us again. He was on parole and I picked him up from prison on Jan 16 this year. It was all a manipulation . Of course it’s expensive when they get released you pay for Dr license etc… transportation, bank debts , new clothes, anything he needed to be successful .
I had to kick him out on March 17th , he was treating me horrible saying it was like prison. We let him use a car for work and back to his new Pizza Hut job. We insisted he go to AA/ NA this time too. He never stayed thru one meeting. Said it made him uncomfortable. He stopped coming home after work and stopped answering his phone when I’d call or text “where are you” in the middle of the night. Eventually he’d come in and act terrible. Of course I know all the signs. It went on for 2 weeks and I found his dope in the car and in his room. ( black tar heroin) and fentanyl are his drugs of choice. I could not have him in the house where we are raising his teenage son who is a good boy and also has high functioning autism. I couldn’t risk losing custody of him.
The day i kicked him out it lasted 6 hours of him verbally abusing me and saying I hope you sleep good because you don’t even know what you’ve done. May 15 he was arrested again and is now facing 25 to life and a parole violation. I always offer rehab but he says no. On May 9 the police called me and said I needed to come get him from a U-Haul storage facility. I drove as fast as I could and he looked worse than I’d ever seen. He got in the car crying and as soon as the police drove away and I told him I was going to find a place for him to get help he refused to go with me.
He had some old junky car nearby he was driving. That was May 9th , I never hear from him normally not even a text or call on Mother’s Day bdays etc.. for anyone in the family. Now that he’s back in jail the phone calls start oh I love you please send money. It’s never enough. You buy foods and he calls to say “ you didn’t get me any soup”? Or body wash. Always more.. and it’s expensive. I’m so sick of it. He will go to court Aug 6th for final appearance.
I’m 65 years old and I’m so tired of this hamster wheel. I want to tell him I love him and I’ll pray for him and never lose my hope for him and that be it .
I’m still working and I make very little money as a preschool teacher my entire adult life. Now the guilt of the money. I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to send him money anymore and I really don’t have it to give. In the past I would send him money and do without. I don’t want to do it anymore. I may not even be alive when he gets released this time. It’s all drug charges and all felonies. He’s a non violent offender but in Texas he’s considered habitual and 3 strikes your out. He’s on his 5th strike. I will not ever allow him to live in my home again if the opportunity presents itself. God bless anyone who is going through this .
My god Becky you have done all you can. I feel you have made a decision that is right for you. I would recommend you read Ryan Hampton’s book American Fix. He was addicted to heroin and his mom didn’t let him live in her home. And wasn’t able to send money either because she did not have it. You can’t sacrifice your needs any more. Or the needs of the child in your care which you have made a priority. I do have some thoughts.
Do you have support? A friend or a group. Before my own son became addicted I had an aunt and another relative who lived with addiction meaning we lived with it, too. If you don’t have a group and are interested I can offer ideas of where you can find one.
Your story illustrates the agony of this disorder and the toll in takes on one’s life and finances. Thank you for telling it. And I hope it helped to write it. Much love. You are an amazing mom and grandma. That 15 year old is so lucky to have you.
Thank you, it did help to get that out of my head. I attended Alanon nearby several years ago and it helped me so much. My friends were supportive for many years but it’s been so many times I think they are all sick of hearing about and watching me be upset. Once we got our grandson all things turned to him and getting him the help and different therapies he needed. He’s an A student now and is amazing but still struggles greatly with social skills like making friends. Thank you for listening to my story and I will think about Alanon again and definitely get that book.
I just really appreciate your sharing a specific story because there is no wrong answer but when you have a child in the home, the scales have to weigh towards the child/teen. There are a lot of people who are raising the child of a child in Alanon, Families Anonymous. I’m just thinking you might need support, too.
I will definitely look into Alanon again because the guilt over the sending him money is weighing heavily on me. It’s like someone else on here said there’s no peace or relief in whatever decisions or boundaries you make. There is also more to my story i didn’t share. I have 3 boys this is my oldest that is still struggling with addiction. We lost my middle son to suicide by hanging on Dec 15, 2016.
A syringe was found in his pocket and he was full of pills as well. He went behind a church organization that actually could have helped him out of his despair died by suicide. The workers thought he was homeless and leaning against the fence. I drove right past that building twice that day on my way to and from work with no idea my child was back there. I got the call at 2:45 pm as I was picking my little grandson up from first grade. My oldest was incarcerated so he missed his brother’s funeral. My youngest son has never tried drugs thank the Lord. My son I lost had been clean 6 years and was an active speaker for AA and had a great job and all the makings of a productive adult.
For the 6 mos before we watched in horror as he started gambling and we thought using again but weren’t sure. We watched him lose everything one by one. Unlike his brother he tried so hard. My children’s father was a heroin addict in high school and almost died but it was all in his past when we met and married. I had no clue it could impact our children.
I didn’t understand drugs. We divorced 14 years later and he picked up the drugs where he left off. I never allowed drugs in my home but in his house it was welcomed and encouraged even with his children. I sent my middle son To rehab and it worked for 6 years. He would take his dad food at times but wouldn’t go in the door. He said it smelled like drugs inside and he couldn’t take it. He had been at his dads for the 2 nights before his death. It was on a Thursday and only 3 days before on Monday afternoon I was in front of a judge begging he be put in court ordered rehab. The judge offered it but my son refused.
The judge said he couldn’t in good conscience give him a bed as there were so many others that truly wanted to get help. My youngest quit wanting to go to his dads at age 12 and I think it saved him. Their dad died 5 yrs ago a heroin addict and had liver and colon cancer at age 64. The loss of my son plays a huge part in my guilt and anguish and my oldest son knows it I believe. He always says mom I’m still alive and your my mom. I apologize for the lengthy post again.
Those who are addicted tend to use grief or anything else to get money to continue their addiction. Manipulations, stealing from us, lying. It’s the disorder. But it’s so hard for us. All of this is devastating. I have been through it and I know what you mean. I’m so sorry, you, too, lost a son to suicide and have addiction in your family, too. Many you have been through it. I don’t go to a group but I do run one a suicide loss support group locally which helps me. So basically I do go to a group still ten years later. I lost my son in 2015.
I found an Alanon meeting close by. My story is certainly not encouraging to anyone but I know there are worse situations in many families. It made me sick to write all that yesterday. I think I may still have my huge co dependency book too. Thank you Anne and God bless you.
Actually it’s just talking to other who get it and have more patience. And your story does help someone else even if it’s difficult as yours is. It because someone feels less alone and understood. All those buzz words of enabling and such are too much. We just need to define our boundaries within our own situation. Because it differs and personalities differ. And then sometimes boundaries have to shift. It’s very hard and always hard to see the label from inside the jar. Especially when we are so emotionally involved.
Every single move you have made has been out of love.
My daughter isctryingvto come live with us and transfer her probation from Wisconsin to Houston. My husband and I are raising her daughter since birth and she is now 4. I hate it but I am not ready for her to live with me.
I get your fear. It’s totally justified and you are taking care of her daughter. Is renting a room at a recovery house an option? You could pay for month one and usually they find jobs to cover rent for other months and food. It’s an option. I am so sorry. Addiction sucks and I hate to admit this but it scares me like it scares you. You need to do what helps the child. And you. And you can support but you don’t have to provide a home. There are other options although not a lot of them.
God Bless you. Your story has inspired me to finally not allow my 43 yr old drug addicted daughter back. I too have dealt with this since 20 years old. I have raised her 3 amazing kids. 2 grown and last one in her last year of high school. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of my home being turnt upside down when she comes.
You can love someone and not be able to live with them. You deserve some peace in your life. And I know that even when it’s not in your face every day you do suffer. I have been there. You have given so much and I want to make sure that is acknowledged.
I am going thru the same thing. My 48 yr old daughter has been doing since the age of 17 yrs, Vicodin ( 2 pills to 10 pills at a time) to Percocet then oxy’s then to crushing the pills and snorting them, 3 crushed at a time. Then she started on liquid methedon to crack to her drug of choice, Heroin. She has 2 children 1 from her ex-boyfriend/gang member, who is doing life in prison since he was 18, a daughter from her tumultuous marriage to an alcoholic abuser, whichever did not help her drug situation. We raised her son off and on from birth to 11 yrs old, her daughter lived with the father. Her son lived permanently with us since he was 11 yrs. My daughter was off on her heroin tangent for yrs along with her new husband, yes, a HEROIN addict that got her hooked. They have stolen so much money from us I cannot count, ruined our credit, made us file bankruptcy, stole numerous kinds of jewelry. Her son we wear raising has numerous mental issues from her neglect and abuse, Besides learning disorders in school but with help from the Ohio Coalition for children with disabilities he graduated with a 4. 00 gpa. Fast forward to present day. We have helped our daughter each time she fell back to heroin and was financially set back. I am now 75 yrs old and just made her leave again. I don’t want her back here. She stole money, ruined our credit again, sneeked things out of the house to sell, lied, and wore me totally down. She even sold her grandkids and sons money, clothes, shoes, electonics toys, and tv sets. Anything of any value. I can’t do it anymore. She cannot come here again. Now we, again, have to make a Christmas for her 2 grandkids who are 9 & 11. We are retired but live on social security since we have no retirement funding. No savings and her father at his age has to work a part time job to make ends meet. She has taken everything from all of us. Through all of this we have survived thru the grace of God. I have given her over to Him because I know I have no control over anything she does with her life and pray He will save her from this evil disease. If nothing else we still have God. My daughter is still using. I love her, forgive her but cant let her in our home, and it kills me to have to be like this.
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I would do the same. You have given all you can. There is a limit and a boundary and now the focus is yourselves and those children. You are not a doormat and shouldn’t be treated as one. I am so very sorry the debt this disorder has left you with. I know your heart hurts too. Much love and thank you for sharing because people read these comments. And your decision is an important one you had to make.
Dear you. At 41. I would deffo do the same. Enough is enough. Do you now. Pray for him and live with that pain. Hope it lessens. If course you will always love your son. Hope is still in prison. I hope he chooses the right path. No money for commissary he will have to work for this in prison. No mother wishes this life for their child. I think addiction is the worse ‘disease’ as the AA members say. All the best for you.
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I am father of 3, daughter 29, son 19, and daughter 17. My oldest has a daughter who she shares time with the father – part time living in my house. My mother who is 80 also lives in house. My oldest is battling alcoholism. She recovered by drug addiction 6 years ago. Her alcohol addiction has gotten progressively worse last month. I allowed her to stay in my home past year while she finishes college which she did, ironically addiction counselling. With situation worse I informed her she can no longer live in house. My youngest is struggling also – recently went out with no communication for close to 2 days.
I found where she was and had the police do a wellness check – very sketchy place. My oldest and youngest don’t currently get along – they used to depend on each other. My oldest has acknowledge her addiction and has tried local resources to address her addiction but her use continues. I am afraid the current dynamic between sisters will only feed both situations negatively and perhaps drive my youngest further away. Believe there is mental health issues also with youngest.
I am exhausted and feel I need to prioritize focus on youngest – eliminate negative dynamic between sisters. I have connected with centre to acquire options for oldest – rehab centres – however she is adamant on not going anywhere away from her daughter. I am not sure if asking my oldest to leave is the right move but I feel it is but not sure I am just exhausted.
It is so difficult. There is always a solution. The trouble is many times all solutions suck. And this is one of those times. So you have set a priority and that is worth exploring. The exhaustion, the worry, the being an umpire, the fear of the other members of the family being at risk–all of those are valid reasons for what you are considering.
It’s not like you are coming to the conclusion easily. Once you do set that boundary, and I’m not sure what you’ll need to do to make it happen in terms of custody for example, you can do things like meet her for lunch and allowing her to know she is loved even if you can’t live with her. If that makes sense.
This is the toughest part. I’ve been there and it’s flat out torture. Thank you for posting, telling your story and making others who read this feel they are not alone. That took courage. Much love.
Thank you for the article. It gave me a different perspective. I had to ask my husband to leave the home after his second relapse since the birth of our 9 month old son. His DOC is fentanyl – a major danger to a small baby. But his use obviously has also destroyed my mental health, having multiple panic attacks a day and feeling depressed. I can’t be a mother with this cloud hanging over us. So now he is with his dad and stepmom, and he’s relapsed again, making this number 4, since november. Theyve told him that hes gonna need to take drug tests in order to stay there – a process they have not yet started because the usage has been glaringly obvious. And they have not yet asked him to leave because he is so incoherent and its negative 20 celsius here. I’ve been irritated with this because i keep wanting him to find his rock bottom. But it has crossed my mind – what if his rock bottom is death? His first relapse back in november was a cluster of relapses (they usually are). I first found him smoking fent in our bathroom – a few days later he was MIA and then he came home early morning with a DUI charge – and a few days after that i found him sick from shooting too much narcan because he “wanted to stop,” as he says. Of course i had to call an ambulance cause i had no idea what was going on – he was in bed completely incoherent. This also led to childrens services getting involved since there was a baby in the home. Luckily that agency is out of our lives now but my husband is still not home and it fucking KILLS me knowing that my baby may not have a father one day soon. How the hell will that conversation go in the future? He says he wants to be sober, and be there for us. But he always relapses. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it eventually always comes. If his dad and stepmom ask him to leave, i know he will be able to stay with his mom. She wont allow him to live on the street. And i got frustrated again, but now your article, perhaps i am wrong. And i want soo badly to invite him home. All i want for him is to come home!! I want to comfort him. But the sheer terror and anxiety i get when i think he’s using, and then after some hours and hours of lying, being proven right, i cannot stomach it. And i feel so guilty for bringing my son into this world with such a father. I don’t wish this predicament on anyone 🙁
irst, I am not saying in this article that he should stay. You have to make the decision you need to make for you and your child. For now. And I don’t judge whatever decision you need to make here.
Your story brought me to tears. What a nightmare to go through this. For you. For him. I know he wants to stop. And I know you feel helpless. Education on substance use disorder helps. Education from a trusted source. A local group helped me find connection and get more educated on addiction. I am so sorry. If I can help you find a group let me know your city and state. Much love to you and your family.
I have been through this with my son. And it was hell.
Thank you so much for this very human and humane post! Al the comments are so helpful too!
I have a daughter with bipolar and SUD and a son who is alcoholic with depression, both adults. When I was dealing with my daughter, the Crisis Intervention Team said, kick her out. I told her she had to go to treatment before she came home again, and she found an apartment. She shortly ended up homeless for several weeks, and I had no way of knowing where she was or if she was alive until she called and begged to come home. She did come home and then went to a treatment center which was helpful but not perfect. I’m grateful she is alive. The CIT admitted that kicking her out was a crap-shoot, but that it worked for her child, who couch-surfed until getting into a dual diagnosis center. Now I’m dealing with my son and am worried that his rock bottom will be his end. He has already tried. Everyone says, “Don’t enable.” “Kick him out, he’ll figure it out.” He has struggled to keep a job and has very few friends, so he can’t couch-surf as so many parents say their kids have done when they kicked them out. This is the first article I’ve seen that shows compassion. It feels so reassuring that you say what you do.
I am in recovery, which mercifully happened before any of my kids showed signs of trouble, but even people who were helped by family to get sober say, “Kick ’em out!” “Tough love works!” I know of too many for whom it didn’t. Thank you so much. And thanks to the others who commented. At the very least, I don’t feel so alone, now.
By taking the time to add your comment, you have helped someone else feel less alone. I’m so sorry. I know you feel like you are juggling. That “kick them out” strategy really is pushed by so many. And it has worked for some but for others like our family, it pushed him toward suicide which I never thought was possible. It appears you are in Virginia, so I’m going to share a really good free resource that is worth your time.
It’s run by the McBean’s, who coach parents and families through their loved one’s addiction. And I will also add a pdf that has books and podcasts that are helpful. I have been where you are. Been as confused and conflicted as you are. You know your child. And you know yourself. What you feel in your gut about this is likely not wrong.
I hope the resources below will offer support and give you some perspective. I remember just feeling like my brain was bouncing around.
Thank you for this insightful article! My parents enable my sister who has struggled with substance abuse for the past 15 years. They wish they would have had her move out prior to her having children, but didn’t, and now feel it is too late. What are your thoughts when grandchildren are involved? My parents would feel relief if their only choice concerned their boundaries and their daughter, but they also take care of their grandchildren (my sisters children) and offer them a stable environment. If they decide to ask my sister to move out, they risk never seeing their grandchildren (high conflict father with hx of withholding.) My parents feel like their number one priority is protecting their grandchildren and making sure they are a part of their lives (parents have joint physical custody and my parents home is the only healthy consistent environment the children have.) Unfortunately, this comes at the cost of enabling my sister. They feel trapped. Do you have any advice or thoughts about their current situation?
Man it’s so sticky when children are involved and I do see their goal. First, we need to just delete the phrase “enabling” because there is so much shame attached to it. And let’s face it, their priorities are definitely in the right place. I would suggest three things and I’ll provide a pdf that you can download free.
Join a group, preferably a CRAFT group or something like Families Anonymous. BALM is a good book and Brenda Zane has a good podcast to help with communication and basically shifting to a new style of parenting a child who is addicted because it’s not easy. Your sister is sick and to help her recognize her illness there are things families can do to increase the chances that person will go into recovery. One of them is NOT repeatedly telling her but there are subtle ways to shift attention.
Here is the PDF that has the links to some of the mentioned resources:
https://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/wp-content/uploads/resources-for-families-addiction-mentalhealth.pdf
This group is FANTASTIC.
Go to this page –> Scroll to Family Education Group. It’s thursday evening ET every week. To get on the mailing list, send an email to scott@northstarcommunity.com and request to be put on the list. If they won’t or can’t go, you go. They did CRAFT last week but they have lots of great education. It is the BEST. And you are with others who have loved ones who struggle with addiction and understand.
Thank you for this, it really speaks to me and brings a sense of calm. I am watching from the sidelines as my daughter recently told me the extent of my 17 year old granddaughter’s drug addiction. My daughter is terrified that her child will run away and end up on the streets, which are rife with addicts in her area. Yet trying to keep GD at home is making life a living hell. GD has already been in rehab but relapsed immediately afterwards. My daughter has always tried to be the best possible parent, so this has nothing to do with abuse or neglect. I want to support her and don’t wish to burden her with ‘advice’, particularly as everything I’ve been told to date speaks of ‘tough love’. I know this would tip GD over the edge. Your article gives valuable perspective, which is greatly appreciated.
Tough love tipped my son over the edge because his rock bottom was suicide. The listening that you do without offering advice is the hands-down most valuable support you can offer your daughter and the fact you have figured that out puts you leagues ahead of most. I can’t tell you how valuable that is and it’s hard to do surprisingly. Sitting with someone in their tragedy is not easy. But it does deepen relationships.
This –> “My daughter is terrified that her child will run away and end up on the streets, which are rife with addicts in her area.” It’s how most of us feel and it’s called projecting. It doesn’t help. I went to a group to learn to stay in the present and not worry over hover over scenarios that had not happened. They only added to my distress. My favorite narrative is from Families Anonymous. https://www.familiesanonymous.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/5003-6-Helping-06-2012.pdf I lived my this paragraph.
“Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future— and anxiously hovering over it for fear that it will or it won’t come true—uses all my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life.”
Here are some resources including my pdf download with links to what’s working, and a link to a website that has some great resources.
Much love to you and thank you for posting. Your comment will help thousands. I’m not kidding. The post ranks pretty high and I know people are engaged with the comments as much as the article.
Thanks so much. I can see how tough love doesn’t work for the most fragile and vulnerable. I will put your information into safe keeping. We have a strong family history of addiction – I was married for 43 years to the alcoholic son of 2 alcoholics, and have taken every course and program under the sun. This was instructive for me, but made no difference to my husband until he was ready to change. By then the damage was done, and he died shortly afterwards. There are also mental health issues on both sides. Thankfully my 2 daughters dodged addiction, but it has come home to roost, even more dangerous than before. I will take baby steps. I would like to recommend your blog to my daughter, but even that seems too much at this point. All I’ve done so far is to tell her she is the best mother ever to her children, which is true.
I sincerely appreciate all of your good work.
You are a great mom. All of what you said also runs in my family on both sides. Not cancer but lots of mental illness and addiction.
After reading these posts, I am in tears. My husband and I have kicked our 33 yr old son, and he is literally on the streets with no car etc. I have so much guilt, and starting to feel like making our son ‘hit bottom’ is not the best action.
It’s so hard to know. There were parents in my group who had to resort to that step for many reasons. For some it turned out. There are no good solutions here. I am not going to pass judgement because I know what it took for you to be exhausted and done. Because if the one addicted is too comfortable, there is no incentive to change. If you read Ryan Hampton’s book, it might help you. She didn’t allow her son (Ryan the author) who was addicted to live with her but found a balance and took him food and out to meals. So she kept up with him and let him know she loved him no matter what. She just couldn’t live with him. And he was about that age. It just might be the book you need right now. I know it helped me. It’s called “American Fix.”
Here are resources that might help particularly the CRAFT approach which you might already know about.
https://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/wp-content/uploads/resources-for-families-addiction-mentalhealth.pdf
I’m in the same boat I don’t know what to do.. my son is sleeping in the woods, no money, no food , no transportation.. I just don’t know
Allison. It’s ok to take your son food, take him out to lunch, drive him somewhere he can take a shower like the YMCA or other community nonprofits and churches that offer this. It’s so hard.
You can show your son you still love and care for him. You can have boundaries. And you can say that as much as you want him to get well you love him even if he doesn’t. I am so sorry you have to watch one of your babies suffer so much.
Omg friend. I am going thru the same thing. It’s so hard and I feel guilty although all I’ve done is enable him. He is trying to contact me but I am staying away from him. I don’t know what’s to become of him. He’s homeless on the streets now.
My son too. Exactly what you said I am saying too. I’m scared he OD’d again because I haven’t heard from him:(
I’m in the SAME exact position right now as I speak.
I kicked out my son 4 days ago because he was in my kitchen at 1 am smoking something & falling asleep while doing it. He was sleeping out in the streets b4 that & it’s freezing outside. He doesn’t have a cellphone because every time he gets one it either “gets stolen by black guys” that threaten to kill him or he leaves it on the bus. He doesn’t have his I.D. Nothing.
I told him..you can ONLY sleep here if you’re sober” if not… you’re not welcome here. One night he came & he was literally falling asleep. I thought he was just tired & he kept saying he was but then he says “ I’m going outside to smoke a cigarette. Next thing I hear is that he’s snoring outside…I look and the cigarette is on the floor and he passed out on the chair and he keeps saying that he didn’t do anything or smoke anything and that he he’s just tired and I keep telling him that’s not freaking normal to just fall asleep like that. And then he comes in the house gets a bowl of food sit down in the chair and just passes out and the bowl falls on the floor, and I kept telling him not to come over here high!
Then the other day I saw him smoking in my kitchen. Smoking something on some foil. I just blew up & told him to get out of my house & that I’m NEVER helping him again! I haven’t heard from him in 2 or 3 days & today is Christmas. I keep feeling that I shouldn’t of kicked him out & I’m asking myself if I did the right thing? It’s FREEZING outside & he doesn’t even have a jacket because he keeps “leaving it somewhere on the bus or his friends house “ This has been going on for 11 years now & he’s 32. He OD’d 2 weeks ago & luckily someone called 911.
I’m scared to DEATH that he’s dead right now. I already know he’s going to die. I tried helping him…putting him in detox etc…& he just leaves after a week EVERY TIME. The second he gets out… he gets high. I thought he was smoking heroine but last week he said no…it’s fentanyl. I was like FENTANYL?!? are u crazy?? I told him “ you’re gonna die”. I just don’t know WHAT to do anymore?!? I finally realized & asked myself “ how am I helping him? By doing more drugs?” I’m just DONE. I can’t do it anymore. I love him & don’t want him dead but sometimes I think…if you’re smoking that shit you might as well just be dead because all u do is sleep all day wake up smoke that shit then just stand in the living room for 9 hours STRAIGHT rocking back & forth & 1/2 asleep. Yes he has done this MANY times & I never kicked him out because I was scared that if I did he was going to die. This is my life…I don’t wish this life on anyone.
So many of us, me included have lived this and know how difficult it is to create and find boundaries that show love but also create space for your own mental health. Thank you for telling your story here because it will help others feel less alone, more seen. I have often felt “I’m done” during that process. And I was. For then. I just had to figure out my personal boundaries which I worked through with my support group and then try and stick to them as best I could. No one who has not lived this can truly understand it. I do. And many here do.
This hit me because this is where I am currently at. My son was taken away at age three because of my depression and says this is where he started hearing / seeing things. Fast forward to him at age 13, he gets introduced to marijuana and starts popping pills at school as well. It was overwhelming to say the least. To make the long story short, he is 22 years old now and most recently he has been abusing cough medicine along with Benadryl pills to cope. I have had to call the CAT team several times. He has been hospitalized numerous times due to his mental and substance use. We received a 3 day notice and today he actually made my arm bleed. I am OVER IT. He was consuming I don’t know what in the restroom. I walked in and he sorting something and passes out. I freaked out and told him I was going to call the paramedics and he snapped out of it and started getting verbally abusive with me. I told him he had to leave. It is FREEZING outside and he has not sweater as well. He’s rung the doorbell multiple times but I have not opened the door. I just want PEACE. I’m fed up but at the same time want to be there to support him. Am I supposed to let the streets consume him? Or try to reel him back home because he is my only son and I have to love him and support him?
Either or doesn’t feel RIGHT.
I know it doesn’t. I’d be as confused as you. I’d want him out like you. I’d feel guilty because it’s so cold. Good God I wish there were better answers. Even if you did an ultimatum for rehab would he go? Would it work? Would it be a waste of funds? All those questions swirling. He started using because he is likely predisposed to addiction. Some of us are. Some of us are not. I’m so sorry. I wish I had better answers. But I have been in enough of a similar situation.
The one thing I can say is do try a group like Families Anonymous, SMART Recovery for families or even a CRAFT group. You need support for you. I did that. It did help to be with others going through this and it gave me ideas.If you want help finding one in your area, just list your city and state. Not a whole address. But I can help you find support options. And it’s not some kumbaya group. It really is very helpful.
My mother is 45…she lost custody of me at a very young age and she eventually gave my brother to my Aunt ( her sister) when he was 15. I lived with my grandparents, her parents, and they raised me. She moved back in with us when I was a junior in highschool after she DESTROYED a 150,000 dollar property they bought for her. That was their last attempt because they had bought her a house before, 10 years prior, that didn’t work out and they helped her with money over and over again after being kicked out by many landlords. So they just bought her one last place. She can’t sign up for electricity or water because she owes the companies thousands of dollars. She can’t drive. So no more vehicles. She rides a bike. Four years ago she relapsed, she came and found my house that I NEVER told her the address of and was tapping on my windows to try to warn me about “the Cartel” coming after her and going to kill me. I didn’t know it was her so I called the police, she then some how was sent to the ER and she went to a rehab and detox. She tells people that we sent her to the “loony bin”. They put her on so many medications she reverted back to 5 years old. She got off her meds and has stuck to just being a severe alcoholic for a couple years. From what we know at least. I moved away and just kept her at a distance and with strong boundaries so I was able to visit my grandparents peacefully. My grandfather was diagnosed with liver cancer this year. I moved down here to help them. While they were in treatment and I was watching the house, I was living in hell. She destroys EVERYTHING she touches, and she started fights all the time. But 90% of the time she was scaring the absolute hell out of me with her paranoia about the cartel coming to kill her and me again. I am a 25 year old adult, hiding behind the couch in order to avoid her in my own home. My husband finally came down with me and she calmed down. My grandparents came home and we spent the last month of my grandfathers life taking care of him, she stayed out of the way for the most part. Which is best because she makes everything absolutely worse and caused him such extreme anxiety and grief it was best for her to be away anyways. He passed away. My grandmother is moving by next year so we are selling the house. She can’t live with her anymore. My aunt has teenage boys she has to take care of and consider, so she can’t live with her. She can’t live with me and I won’t let her even if I had a home for her to move into. My little brother will be living his grandparents from his dads side. She HAS NO WHERE TO GO. She’s deaf, has MS, Bipolar, severe PTSD and the list goes on. I’m beginning to think 4 years ago when she was on meth it caused a drug induced schizophrenia about the Cartel. But I’m not sure. I’ve given her the benefit of doubt because I thought she was more then just mentally ill all these years but my mother was an addict even before I was born so I don’t know a sober her and never have. We were trying to help her by getting her into a psychiatric appointment so we can start actually diagnosing her properly, because there is no possible way she can live on her own no matter what she THINKS she can do. 45 years and she’s never been able to be FULLY on her own and she’s destroyed every property she’s ever lived in. So obviously she needs some help right? She brought a friend over ( a friend who’s been giving her Xanax for years) to get her to fight her way out of the appointment. So I told her “you have a choice…go to to this appointment or become homeless” that started a huge fight. The next day she packing her bags and leaving to go live with her friend who’s been a known meth addict “to get her life together”. Right before that I heard her screaming at my grandmother “I’m deaf not mentally challenged”. So… it’s been a week since then and she’s stirring the pot again, I’ve had to fight this on going battle in my mind… if my mother really isn’t mentally challenged…then that means she really is an addict who is that AWFUL of a person. I’m not going to explain all the details of what we have been living with, but I’m sure you can only imagine. Nobody can live in these conditions…but she’s my mom…I don’t want her to die thinking I don’t love her. I do. But I want to start my own family and she would be a danger to them if I let her in my life. And everyone else feels that way too. She hasn’t come home but she’s trying to turn everyone against my husband and me. Nobody is listening to her and thinks she’s being ridiculous. My grandmother says this is how she acts when she’s on drugs. A part of me wants to give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t on drugs and she’s just this mentally messed up and it makes me feel so guilty. Another part of me knows she’s most likely on drugs. We’ve come to the conclusion we’re going to play it by ear and make sure she sticks with her choices. Hopefully she chooses to move out. But we wanted to help her get into a home. She lost that chance. We’re done. Nobody is going to put their lives on hold for her. Her father did…and he died never knowing real peace because of her. Hopefully he is at peace now. Bless him.
You are a beautiful, wonderful person. I am so sorry addiction and mental illness have ravaged your life so. There are no easy answers and you have done so much. Thank you for being so candid and helping others feel they are not alone. I have felt every emotion you have described in our journey with addicted loved ones.
I understand all these stories sadly I lived this daughter drinks so much she was breathing only 30% in the intensive Care unit they found her unconscious in a field and the fear of them sleeping in your home and scared you’re going to find them not breathing I live that for years my son would drink alcohol in excess also they drank everyday for years
No easy answers.
I raise my sons daughter. She is 10. He is an addict. I bought a house next to me when he was clean. It lasted 18 months. Now he is next door. My husband is the best ever to me but he absolutely hated my son. We don’t fight. I tried to help my son and my husband was furious. He said he can’t stand to hear his name. I can’t kick my son out. I understand everything about it. I hate this. I can’t stand that I could actually make him homeless. I understand it’s his choices. People are sick. People have other problems. I mean try need nursing home to put these people in. When they have other illnesses what’s the difference? I’m so torn up right now. I never have peace. I know it’s important also. I have lived this nightmare for 41 years. His dad prior. I love my husband. I get it. I get enabling. Like the post .Enabling? Maybe its keeping them from being on the streets ? That’s bad too. I hate it all. I can’t stand that he had to live with bad people. These addict get mental. I’m at a loss right now. I haven’t seen a movie yet that shows a parents life 100%..
I get it. I watched my mom go through this, too and for a long while my mom and dad were also at odds. I can’t fix this but I can tell you what helped me. And since this has been a long time going on, I’m going to assume you might know this. I joined a group of parents whose kids were addicted. It helped. A group focused on CRAFT can start to help you see what you can do to improve chances your child will go into recovery. It is a double edged sword. And it’s hard to think about the alternative….death.
It seems to never end and the happiness seems to be hidden from us. I really wanted to fold up like a taco and live in a cave in peru and come out when things were better. It was so awful.
Bless you for loving your grandchild and taking care of her. Much love to you and thank you for your comment. Someone will feel less alone because of what you’ve said here.
This document has resources to try.
https://mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com/wp-content/uploads/resources-for-families-addiction-mentalhealth.pdf
I have two sons living with me from different fathers. Im currently married to my second son father for 32yrs. My youngest son is going to be 30. He started with the pills and continued on to smoking Heroin to shooting Heroin. I have tried to kick him out and reluctantly I let him come back. My oldest son has a addiction to alcohol or anything he can get his hands on. He has always had an anexiety disorder but he will only take meds that get him high. His wife left him and now I have him at 38 yrs old. He has never held a job and is very hard to live with. I have kicked him out before when he started meth. It ended up that he got cancer and is now back living with me. I am beside myself. My husband travels half the year and is no help. I have become hopeless and depressed because i always looked to fix the problem. Now I realize that is easier said then done. I feel guilty, mad, angry and sad. My youngest son is a lier and he will steal. I need to try and stay ahead of him. Which doesn’t always happen.
My oldest is verbal abusive and a narcissist. I’m trapped in the horrible place called addiction. 😔
Tonya. It is a living hell. I am so sorry. A support group helped me live through it. Families anonymous and bar-anon have helped many. They is also a book called BALM that might help you. I got depressed too. It was so hard. So before my son took his life he was addicted to heroin. Addicts lie. And those who use are often awful people. I have a relative who went into recovery but he is still an awful person. But my son was clean for a brief period and he was not awful. Thank you so much for sharing
Tonya, I so identify with your pain. I abandoned my 50 year old son 2 weeks ago. I had to basically run away. I am staying with my older son now and he keeps trying to contact me. He came by here and my older son ran him off. I blocked him on my phone. Knowing he is out there homeless kills me but I can’t do it anymore.
Dixie it is so hard. Has he been violent or just addicted and needy? It’s so tough. Most of on this thread have been there. And have felt as you do.
My heart breaks for you. You are smart as hell to get away despite the unspeakable grief & guilt you might be overwhelmed with. My 40 year old substance use disordered son has exploited me in every possible way and I am disabled with mobility issues; have had brain surgery, subsequent surgeries & divorced after a 20 year marriage. $100,000 trying to help my son for the last 20 years and he left my house a week ago taking (stealing) my car. Today the locksmith is coming to change all locks. I’m redoing my will/trust to leave him a token amount so his sister doesn’t have to feel as awkward/uncomfortable with this decision. I haven’t much to leave as inheritance, but what’s left will not be divided equally as the estate stands today. His sister would’ve been responsible for his share that was to be put in a trust. At this point, after what he’s put me thru, I can’t, in good conscience, put my daughter in harms way. My son was in a methadone treatment program & learned how to beat the system’s drug testing. I am grief stricken, but depleted & holding out hope for the “let-go” trusting with time and personal work I will have a chance at regaining any measure of self-respect & self love.
I hurt for you, too Lucy. You have to do what you need to protect you and your family.
50? Omg…I can’t even imagine…I feel for you. I googled “if reincarnation is true why do people choose to come back as drug addicts?” I found a lot of info on it. I’m Catholic & don’t really believe that stuff but I keep thinking what if it is true? I was reading that they choose it because it teaches them to figure out how to deal with their own problems etc. & that life is a school & we r here to learn & grow. I’m just trying to figure out WHY people choose to live like that??
That’s where I am at now. After receiving a 3 day notice, I feel like this is finally my chance to RUN! and free myself and be at PEACE and finally feel safe again. I have been on edge, anxious and hypervigilant for far too long. It’s Time for ME.
Sometimes the only option isn’t great but it’s an option that is better than some others. We can only take so much.
I feel so out of control as a mother. I blame myself and I don’t know why. I dont make him drink and take drugs. We used to be close but I hate him for this. I’m at my end. I’m depressed, and stressed so bad I can’t eat or think straight. I’m not sure what to do. I know I cannot live this way it’s litterally killing me.
Oh my gosh I remember being in that place where you are now. So vividly. That’s when I decided I needed support and went and got it. I joined a families anonymous group. And I went every week for 4 years. I lost my son to suicide but I want you to know that recovery is not only possible it’s probable. Most who went to that group have children in recovery now. Because being there changes your perspective. You learn it’s not your fault, you meet others who are GREAT parents and you learn that it’s not lack of love that made this happen. And that there is something they are struggling with that drove them to this awful disorder. It does feel like they are doing this TO US. But they are doing it to themselves and there are things that can improve the chances they will find recovery. Let me know if you have questions. Also I want to share the resources I know.
Here is one post with a great book called Beyond Addiction. https://annemoss.com/2022/07/20/how-do-i-help-my-loved-one-to-stop-drinking-or-doing-drugs/
And other resources for addiction here: https://annemoss.com/resources-2/addiction/
This was 4 years ago you wrote this. Word for word I feel exactly the same as you do or did. A lot of the comments on this thread are helpful and are comforting. This is hard work.
Good lord, it’s hard work. I wanted to fold up like a taco, find a cave, and come out only when all of it was resolved. Of course, that is not possible. I find the comments healing, too. Because it validates how confused everyone else is. And I think it shows how many ways people have to bring some measure of peace into the chaos.
Last January 2022 my niece was found dead at her brother’s apartment. The son got tired of her fighting him. So he had to put a restraining order on her. She had no choice but to stay with her brother. She was sick. She had alcohol problem. She was also anorexic. The sister was very much blaming her step dad for kicking her out of the house and letting her die.
If only the family understood her for being who she was. I only told the mom that she was very much in pain that she had to numb her feelings through alcohol.
She was only 41 yo. She was always silly and making us smiling and happy. And yet she had the problems.
First I am so sorry the pain you and your family are feeling. It’s so devastating. And drug-related deaths and suicide often come with a lot of blame and finger-pointing. If we aren’t blaming ourselves, it’s someone else’s fault. As you read here in this post, it can happen in the house right under your nose which has happened to many in our tribe, out in the streets or in someone else’s home. There is no place to really protect someone from themselves except solitary confinement in a straightjacket and that’s downright cruel. There is no right answer but at some point, many just can’t live with all that destructive behavior. It is so heart-wrenching to try and figure out this step.
Elizabeth- Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. The comments get read as often as the articles do.
I understand what it’s like to have a child that has a drug addiction… I myself am 68 years old a 18 year recovering alcoholic… Im raising a 16 year old great-grandson who is a drug addict he was put into my care as a acting foster parent June13/2020 by Child Services since he was almost 13 years old or either put in a group home for boys.. I endured so much since he started his drugs January or February of 2022… I’ve gave up on him and threw in the towel after almost 1year 9months of his addiction behaviour and kicked him out before that I worried about his well-being his education was very important which he also lacked when he started his drug addiction I got him into a 21 day counselling later a 10 day Inpatient Program for young Juvenile drug addicts when he was discharged that same day he started again.
So young. It’s so hard living with those who use. You have my empathy. I have been there although Charles was older. Still hard. No judgement here. I mean what does a person do? There are just no good answers
Best article yet! Guilt if you do and Guilt if you don’t. I know a parent who attended alanon for years and bragged about being the only parent with a child who was still alive or not missing. He spent all of his money on her treatment for years – in and out of detox and recovery homes. She finally overdosed and died. I’ve seen other kids who lived on the street and I placed in detox, some made it some didn’t. I don’t know why some did and some didn’t. Rarely is there a happy ending – but there are some.
I think we need a study on why some make it and others don’t. I’d love to see if there are any common threads. Or none at all. I do know that support groups help us learn communication skills that don’t BLOCK recovery but unfortunately we can’t do it for them. As much as we want to. Thank you for commenting Dr. Lee.
Seeing both methods used in my family’s struggle, across the board, I can say from MY experience being on the outside, looking in, neither really worked or didn’t work. It’s going to end how it’s going to end. And as you nailed it, Anne, it’s up to the family and how they can or cannot live with their decision.
I saw complete enabling not work on my sister and I saw tough love not work on my sister, as she battled with addiction for her adult life, until her death at age 28, succumbing to her disease and dying as a direct result from the disease. When she was “kicked out” of one home, the disease didn’t get “kicked out.” It stayed with her, with us, with everyone and every thing surrounding all of us. When she finally moved into the other home (split parents), the enabling method was used and her bills were paid, if she wrecked a car another was purchased for her, when she needed money, it was handed to her hand over fist, and the disease was still there, alive & kickin’. It was still there with all of us. No matter where she lived, how she got there, how she left there, even across state lines, the disease was there.
Now, I will say this to the parents, because usually it’s a parent doing most of the “kicking out”, later that decision goes to the siblings and other family members, and/or friends, but to the parents…when my sister died from an accidental pill overdose, the “tough love” parent felt tremendous guilt and the “enabler” parent felt tremendous guilt. Even though my sister was no longer with us, the disease was still there. For then, my family had to deal with my sister’s disease within themselves.
So, like you, Anne, I say there are no real, cut-throat solutions. You are going to feel guilt no matter what. So, why not go ahead and get a jump on YOUR recovery if your loved one cannot or will not quite yet?
As I said, both parents, from both ends of the extreme spectrum, felt guilt. They felt guilt throughout her disease, they felt guilt after she lost HER battle with her disease because as I said, her disease lived on. Heck, I felt guilty at a time for not taking her in or for not trying to get her more help. As a side note, which I believe is an extremely important fact to point out in our situation too; my sister successfully completed in-patient rehab THREE times in her adult life as an addict. At her time of death, she had been clean for about 4 months, relapsing 5 days before her death…something she obviously had been through two times previously to her final relapse.
Talk about trying everything….
Take care of yourself and your mental health. As I always say, brains get sick too. And that is perfectly okay. Having strength to get help for a sick brain is something that needs to be as routine as help we seek for a strep throat. You just gotta do it.
This is so awesome, “You are going to feel guilt no matter what. So, why not go ahead and get a jump on YOUR recovery if your loved one cannot or will not quite yet?” That is the whole point. We have to make a decision for ourselves and the situation. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
This was an interesting article and brought back many painful memories for me. We wrestled with this problem; gave our son the money to move out for a couple of years and, predictably, he flopped and sank even further into his abyss. When he finally crashed and burned, we brought him back home where he continued to relapse for a couple more years. It was hellish and I was angry and resentful. However, in hindsight, it was the best solution as it had a good outcome. He is sober and doing well. Everyone’s situation is different, so I feel the decision should be very private and customized to the family’s needs and expectations. We were one of the lucky ones and I am so grateful.
I really appreciate your sharing this story. Because it helps to see how others walked that journey and the hope that that outcome offers. You are right. No easy answers. And it has to be individualized.
You were VERY lucky. I wish that would happen to my son:(
Dear Carole, could you please write more on how you helped your son while he was living with you on his way to recovery? What steps did you take? Were you letting him work or study, or did you try to keep him home as much as possible? What do you think helped the most?
Excellent article AM…dificult and heart wrenching place we have all been. I don’t like the term ‘kicked out’…altho that is how it is used when we get to this point. Our homes need to be a place of serenity and peace, not chaos. Boundaries have to be set and if agreements about those boundaries is not met the person will be asked to leave. But, we all have to wake up every morning and look ourselves in the mirror and be comfortable with those decisions so no one should judge the path you take. There are many pathways to recovery and we families also need to work on our own recoveries..even tho we may feel we don’t have to. Educate yourself about this disease..it is cunning and insidious..and find a support group for yourself. SUD is a chronic disease and like any other chronic illness some get it right away, some it takes awhile and some never do. Keep the lines of communication open and let them know you love them but are not going to watch them self destruct…help will be there when they are ready.
This is one of the most awesome comments ever. Thank you Connie. This is SO important, “There are many pathways to recovery and we families also need to work on our own recoveries..even tho we may feel we don’t have to…”
Brilliant.
I am so hoping you will contact me. I’ve just buried my 2nd son lost to drugs in August 2023. I was pushed to force him out of my home by family and friends for my safety. I’m totally disabled with now a terminal disease. I feel I killed him to save me. Why? There is very little mental health here. My first appointment isn’t until November. My own daughter, a LMHC, refused him family holidays or to help us. When he layed in a coma on a vent in the ICU, she showed up after 4 years of no contact. Then she blasted his death on Facebook and a text blast of what the doctors told her before we, his parents, could hear. I’m all alone in my grief. My family is destroyed.
What I can say to others, don’t push them out. The guilt is beyond anything you have ever experienced. I want both my sons back, but I can never have that. The stigma is horrid on “junkies”. Let them live in the street they say. That will make them stop. Well, it does not.
This country fed drugs to kids in middle school only to treat addicts like lepers when they’ve become addicts. Shame on those who have made money off of people who become addicted. It’s a disease equal to a heart condition. This one is man made from pure greed. It is wiping out generations and destroying families. The minute amount our government puts towards rehab and research to improve treatment is pitiful. Let’s make a change!!
I cried with you. The whole tough love crap is a myth. So many say they had their moment of enlightenment in a coffee shop. So our withdrawal of love and weaponizing it is not effective.
I am so sorry you lost your precious children. I hear you. I feel your story. Life is not supposed to unfold this way.