What is grief?

by Mary-ellen Viglis

Mary-ellen and her son, DJ who suffered from depression and addiction and died by suicide

Grief has no words
It isn’t tangible
It is inexplicable
It is something I wish I didn’t know intricately
Yet I do…

It is made up of
Tears
Memories
Hugs
Love
Sadness
Good times
Difficult times
Long embraces
Regrets
Promises
Emptiness
Denial
Acceptance
Unfairness
Heartbreak
Shared moments
Missed moments
Unspoken words
Truth
Lies
Beauty
Ugliness
Sadness
Joy
Unforgettable moments
Darkness
Light
Simplicity

Complication
Laughter
Sickness
Healing
Gratitude
Blessings
Loneliness
Mistakes
Successes
More tears
Overflowing
Never ending
Heartbreaking
Constant
Tears
And smiles
And gifts
And all the love we have settled into this one word- such a small word – GRIEF- for such a heavy load to bear.
Such a tiny word for such an enormous emotion.
One word seems not enough.
But yet it is the word that describes my existence.

It is Longing for – Just one more moment
A touch
A smell
A smile
An embrace
A bear hug
A song he sung
A messing with my hair time
A sitting in quiet time
A walk time
A cooking time
A joke after joke after joke time
A sweet word time
An I love you Mom time
A text time
A funny meme time
A holding him time
A sharing space time
A laughing uncontrollably time
A time
Any time
Just a moment of time
Just one single moment

Yet this is not possible.
Not at this time

So for now- I close my eyes and I remember each time, every single time every moment of time that I shared with him.
And I talk to him.
And I remind him of each time.
And I know he hears me.
Just this time I can’t hear him back.
So I tell him I love him
And I tell him I’m proud
I tell him I miss him
This time
That time
Every time

Time doesn’t matter so much anymore. I can’t go back in time. I ache to. But I can’t.
What matters is the time we had together and all those times will fill the rest of my time.
And there shall be no time that he and I shared that will ever be anything but pure love.

The absolute unconditional accepting love of a
Mother for her son. And a son for his Mother.
That is timeless.
Love is timeless –
And so is grief.
I wish they didn’t have to exist at the same time. But yet they do.

💜

9 thoughts on “What is grief?”

  1. Such a beautiful expression of pain and profound love for a child. We lost our son to suicide six months ago and I feel so much the same way.

    1. Jenny
      Thank you for your love and kindness.
      I hate that you understand what this type of grief does to a Mom. I am holding space for you in my heart. And sending you love and light. My heart aches for you as well. I’m so sorry for your loss.
      This is a pain that only another Mom could understand.
      💜

  2. Mary-Ellen, a very true picture of ALL that grief is. I’m so sorry you lost DJ; your shared love is felt through your words. Although memories don’t begin to fill the ache and loss of things that will never come again; thank God we have them. My heart goes out to you… from another mom sharing this unwanted path. 💔
    Jayne

    1. Thank you so much for your love and kindness.
      I’m sorry this is a journey your are familiar with. 💜

  3. I’m sorry, Mary-Ellen. A beautiful picture of you and your son DJ. Your words are so very poignant. They capture each and every day in the life of a mother living w/ grief.

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