The safety of our tribe members and employees remains our top priority at Emotionally Naked. Except that we don’t have employees but that’s beside the point because I want this pledge to sound exactly like all communications you have received of late in your inbox from t-shirt to light bulb companies.
Hundreds of companies have sent you links to the CDC COVID-19 Pandemic page because you are so anxious you cannot possibly find those resources by yourself. (CDC= Center for Disease Control in the US)
As concern for the Coronavirus grows, we will continue to monitor and evaluate the situation with heightened diligence because as you know an emotionally naked writer has all the inside scoop on this mysterious virus. We want to address questions about how we are working to minimize the impact of COVID-19 on this website.
We promise no one with a fever or a cough has written a single word on this site in the last four months. And it has been scrubbed clean of any germs or rogue bacteria and we will maintain our standards of cleanliness throughout this pandemic.
Little Googlebots, thousands of them, are sashaying in and scrubbing every half hour automatically. The virus, fortunately, can’t live on a Googlebot because they move too quickly and expertly. That being said, when was the last time your mouse or touchpad had a bath? I’m just sayin’.
To our shareholders, if we had any, we promise to uphold our duty of operating in the red and losing money on an annual basis. We offer a 100% guarantee that no senators or other government officials voted in for the purpose of thinking of the people first, will be calling their financial advisors immediately following a closed-door COVID-19 update and dumping nonexistent Emotionally Naked stock and making millions to cash in on a public health crisis. Nothing instills more confidence in our leadership than public officials deceiving the people they serve so they can profit.
We will maintain the commitment of bringing you emotionally naked content and encourage all tribe members and authors to practice the guidelines and late-breaking news safety tips like washing your hands frequently. Tips that none of you have heard of because you are so incredibly busy at home rearranging your sock drawer and hoarding toilet tissue or frozen chickens. Of course, that doesn’t include first responders, healthcare workers, or the amazon delivery people that can’t get so much as a mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer to protect themselves from sick patients because some greedy dude bought three trainloads for him and his dog.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and have some fun with what is undoubtedly a very serious epidemic. And should I fall victim to this virus, I have no doubt that due to current policies on group size gatherings, my funeral would be to an empty room broadcast to the public via Facebook live.