My struggle with bipolar disorder

by Tammy Ozolins

Tammy and her twin brother. One of her biggest supporters

My world was crashing down, I had no energy, felt my world getting darker and darker and all I wanted was to see was a glimmer of hope. My days were long and I was tired of it all. The walls were closing in on me and I thought I could not breathe.

Does this sound familiar at all?

That is exactly how I felt when I was at my lowest point of depression. I manage and cope with Bipolar Disorder. Back then, I would just cry myself to sleep at night, just praying the pain would stop.

It all started when I was in high school. I didn’t know what to do or even know where to go for help. Why? I was embarrassed and I thought no one else was going through this. Surely no one else would understand.  

So I kept all of it inside and struggled my senior year in High School and through college. I really did not understand it myself at all. Would these feelings go away? Maybe I was exaggerating?

I fought as hard as I could, but eventually, those feelings were stronger than me.

By my mid-twenties, I had attempted suicide to escape the feeling of being alone, this was the first time in a long time I had been excited about something. What was I excited for? Excited to escape the pain and loneliness.

Since you are reading this, you know I didn’t suicide.

I got help. And you can, too.

It’ starts by holding onto hope. You may be screaming, “Oh please,“ right now, but hear me out. 

Bipolar is a battle I fight every day. Let me rephrase that. It’s a war. But today I am the solider that can defeat the enemy. It’s not an easy battle and I am not going to sit here and say it is.

But I will say that for me it is a battle that comes and goes. I also, know I cannot fight this battle alone, I have other soldiers helping me. My faith, my family and friends. The battle for me is sometimes long and sometimes short,  but I will tell you after each battle I grow and I learn from it.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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