My struggle with bipolar disorder

by Tammy Ozolins

Tammy and her twin brother. One of her biggest supporters

My world was crashing down, I had no energy, felt my world getting darker and darker and all I wanted was to see was a glimmer of hope. My days were long and I was tired of it all. The walls were closing in on me and I thought I could not breathe.

Does this sound familiar at all?

That is exactly how I felt when I was at my lowest point of depression. I manage and cope with Bipolar Disorder. Back then, I would just cry myself to sleep at night, just praying the pain would stop.

It all started when I was in high school. I didn’t know what to do or even know where to go for help. Why? I was embarrassed and I thought no one else was going through this. Surely no one else would understand.  

So I kept all of it inside and struggled my senior year in High School and through college. I really did not understand it myself at all. Would these feelings go away? Maybe I was exaggerating?

I fought as hard as I could, but eventually, those feelings were stronger than me.

By my mid-twenties, I had attempted suicide to escape the feeling of being alone, this was the first time in a long time I had been excited about something. What was I excited for? Excited to escape the pain and loneliness.

Since you are reading this, you know I didn’t suicide.

I got help. And you can, too.

It’ starts by holding onto hope. You may be screaming, “Oh please,“ right now, but hear me out. 

Bipolar is a battle I fight every day. Let me rephrase that. It’s a war. But today I am the solider that can defeat the enemy. It’s not an easy battle and I am not going to sit here and say it is.

But I will say that for me it is a battle that comes and goes. I also, know I cannot fight this battle alone, I have other soldiers helping me. My faith, my family and friends. The battle for me is sometimes long and sometimes short,  but I will tell you after each battle I grow and I learn from it.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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