by Teri Rafferty
August 1, 1990 – May 14, 2014
I have built a shrine of sorts.
It’s not because he was perfect, I remember all of the faults and why we are here instead of somewhere else. It’s because the thought of forgetting him, as my memories of him slip away, is unbearable.
You know, you think your story is unique until you hear others and realize we could almost tell each other’s stories with a few variations.
Daniel died of an accidental fentanyl overdose 27 days after getting out of jail, where he had been for 8 months.
He was in a friend’s apartment couch surfing because he could not live with us and had nowhere else to go. Truth is, it could have been worse. He could have been alone. He could have been found days later. He still died because of something he could not get control over.
But that wasn’t who he was
When Daniel walked into a room, everyone knew it. His personality was as big as his heart. It’s interesting that the people who seem the happiest can be the loneliest.
Maybe that’s why he was always befriending anyone who was sitting by themselves, anyone, that felt like an outsider or a misfit. He understood how that felt.
Daniel was born early
It’s like he couldn’t wait to be here and that’s how he lived his life, burning the candle at both ends. I know he had his demons. There were times when he would share about how much of a screw-up he was. He also used to say there was something wrong with his brain.
From 2005-2014, I took him to all kinds of places for help, but he didn’t stick with any of the treatment/counseling options long enough for them to make a difference. He was always in a hurry to do the next thing.
I loved being his mom, although it was very challenging- I wish I could have found a way to help him or love him into health, but that’s not how this works.
I wish he had slowed down long enough to get to know himself and love himself the way the rest of us did.
One of his friends wrote:
“all over the place. chaotic. bright. random. hilarious. never a dull moment.
he always was a larger than life, one-of-a-kind character. and he had the gift only bestowed on a few – the ability to spread the healing medicine of laughter everywhere he went.
I don’t think there’s a single person who was ever in his life who he didn’t put in stitches at one point or another.
we all have “Daniel” stories that all start with, “this one time…”
and if we got together, they would take days to tell, gasping for air in between our belly laughs.
and a few knew his other side. his very poignant, creative, reflective, deeply intelligent side that desired for something greater. he was a poet, a writer, a lyricist, an artist.
he was brilliant.”
I read several articles about the solution to addiction not being sobriety but connection, community. I believe that is true for all of us. We all need a place where we feel understood, where we feel loved, where we feel we belong.
I believe if Daniel had been able to find a community like that when he got out of jail, things may have gone very differently. Family is important but it’s not enough, we did not understand all of him and he needed that too.
Giving back to find healing
So, for now, my husband and I keep Daniel’s memory alive by sharing our lives very intentionally in the community where God has placed us alongside an awesome group of people that pour their lives out as well. We share our lives with Northside Cares, a community breakfast that serves whoever shows up two times a month.
We share our lives with Into the Neighborhood and its volunteers who serve at the Richmond City Justice Center. We share our lives by tutoring with Dream Academy a few times a week, helping people get their High School Diploma.
Sharing our lives consists of providing dignity and even friendship above all else. We are helping to create a place where everyone belongs
When we cannot see in ourselves what God sees in us, it is important for us to remind each other that God loves us exactly the way we are.
Reading your son Daniels story was heartbreaking. “accidental overdose” those words haunt me and I could have been a victim of this. We all have demons even though on the outside we seem happy and smiley. I’m so very sorry for your loss of your son. “Gods Plan” …….I don’t know what that is anymore. Sending my love from England to you and your family and Daniels friends. 🙏
Thank you. For sharing Daniel with us in words. For remembering and honoring his life. And for loving other’s who journey this suffering path.
God bless you. May all you touch feel God’s love, peace and be blessed with healing and recovery
You are so very right—it IS my story with a few variations (not many though). Love continues forever and our hearts will never forget. We just face the remaining life one day at a time. There is no variation in that. Sending love
I’m very sorry about your son, and inspired by the way you are sharing your life helping others.
I am so sorry that you have lost your magnificent son, Daniel. I will pray for him and you.💝
Heartbreaking for me to read. Glad they can take their pain and try to help others. I am so sorry they have lost their son.
Teri, how my heart agonizes for you and your family. I am one of the many whose life was so touched by Daniel’s. As his drama teacher I got to be blessed by his incredible talents and to be one of the many who has Daniel stories. In the midst of a practice the whole place including me would break up over something hilarious…..and I knew who would be at the center of it more often than not.
Or or.. or.. so many times I’d get a glimpse of his ever so tender heart and caring. He really did love to make others laugh. And he was so talented. Conversations we would have in class and with him over time assured me Daniel had a relationship with the Lord but I knew he struggled and I prayed for him to have peace. I have to say that when I got the news that Daniel had gone Home; I was so crushed and so sad.
But Daniel you are not forgotten and I still pray that that spirit that was so yours will strive to touch others to use their gifts in our Lord’s service. Teri, I pray you will feel the Father’s arms wrapping around you and your family holding you close to His heart. Thank you for sharing how you are honoring him. I give to a group who serves breakfast on Saturday mornings and provides necessities and will now do that in Daniel’s name.
I expect you, Daniel, to sneak up behind me and startle me one more time when we meet again at Home.
Thank you Jeanne. Drama was such a blessing to our whole family. We were all involved and happy then. Or at least, that’s how it seemed. And we have some of the best memories.