Behind the Hoodie

by Jackie Utley

A poem inspired by a mother who lost her daughter to suicide. One of the contributing factors to her suicide was bullying.

behind the hoodie
Photo by Brandon Mathis on Unsplash

Stepping on the doormat
Doesn’t feel like my home
The familiar smells from the kitchen
Don’t excite my tastebuds anymore.
Dreading the welcoming voices
Whose pitch pearce my ears

I don’t want to know they are happy
My low life has no highs to share
I’ve nothing nice to say anyway
They’ve no idea my world is fractured.

I don’t belong here now I know
Pulling my sleeves over my hands
Behind the hoodie hides my ugliness
Consumed by a black cloud
Ugly and distorted images
Of who I think I am to others

Why would I want to be saved
To be made to feel better?
I try to avoid the greetings
Taking two steps at a time
Escaping to my pit of a room.
Clothes abandoned like islands
On a sea of wool and nylon

My devices cloak deceitful words
From the unknown ghosts
My pillow no longer a comfort
But a haven for my screams
Not a place for happy thoughts
For hard thoughts whip me sore

I don’t want to know they are happy
My low life has no highs to share
I’ve nothing nice to say anyway
They’ve no idea my world is fractured.

Why should I care anymore
Desperate to escape my hate
As nothing makes sense
Under this darkest of blankets
Brick by fractured brick
Building my guilty wall

Should I cement my fate
Make plans and end it all?

Knock at the door, no answer

Please talk to your teenagers about anything

Note from Jackie to me: I wrote most of this some time ago. I was so moved by your campaign to help parents understand their teenager’s life. I’m sharing this because I have a friend of a friend who went through this with a daughter who was bullied. I have made some changes to reflect your message.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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