I was searching for a way to die…

Trigger warning: Strong emotional content and suicide method mentioned.

By Gene

I came across your post while researching how to hang myself. Ever the perfectionist, I wanted to make sure I was as efficient as possible.

The first thing that popped up on google was the suicide prevention hotline and right below was the video about Charles with the words, “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” I started to cry. Here was this total stranger reaching out and then sharing such a touching and painful story about the loss of her son, Charles.

Instead of finding instructions on how to tie a noose, there was someone saying hang on! You are worth existing! You’re special!

There is obviously no question that my state of mind was one of hopelessness and desperation as it often is. While in this dark place, all rational thought evaporates. Positivity of any kind is blocked from entering my subconscious. Words of encouragement are ignored.

I can actually feel when a bad episode is eminent, like dark storm clouds off in the distance–knowing I will soon be in the eye of the hurricane. It’s fitting because it’s calmest in the eye of a hurricane, where the thought of taking your life is almost a serene feeling. Like you have a choice to end this pain. Meanwhile all this craziness is whipping by you, ready to envelop you at at any minute.

You can’t even begin to imagine things in your life getting better or even where to start.

I’m a gay man, and the gay community can be very harsh and judgmental. Looks, wealth, and status reign supreme. I’m sure this is true for the straight community to some degree as well. We live in a society where social media dominates and tells us these are the things that give us self worth and define us as successful or dismal failures, and surely this is how we judge ourselves.

Dealing with depression, these outside influences, as well as our personal relationships, only compound the problem. I have no doubt that there are both chemical and situational reasons why myself and so many others consider suicide as the best solution for finally finding peace. To make the negative voices stop and put an end to the destructive cycle once and for all.

After his accident, Christopher Reeve once said, “ There are people out there walking around that are more paralyzed than I am.” I felt he was referring to people whose lives were being controlled by fear, depression, anxiety and insecurity.

Hope is a good a thing, and as it turns out, essential for survival in a very harsh world. That’s what I’m trying to cling to with no guarantees that I will win this fight.

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13 thoughts on “I was searching for a way to die…”

  1. You are a beautiful person. Don’t let others in your community drag you down because of their own expectations they project onto you. Just be you. Take a deep breath and feel the love here for you. Here is my email. Please write me anytime. Or we can talk on the phone. carolinecook2015@gmail.com

    I can tell you, coming up from hell on earth, it can get better. One day at a time, find just one thing to be grateful for each day. This will move you forward. As well as talking with others going thru depression or anxiety. You don’t have to please others. Just love yourself. Then it overflows. Sending you a hug, and keep moving forward. Reach out anytime. #tbiptsdsurvivor Caroline Cook

  2. Gene, thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate as i’m back in “the eye of the hurricane”. I also came across Anne’s blog several months ago while looking for the same information. Anne is a very caring person & i’m grateful to have found her. I submitted my own story some time ago. However, in spite of all the help i’ve received, including a month long stay in hospital after my 3rd attempt, psychiatric therapy, a bucket full of meds, an amazing, supportive & loving wife & my family & friends, i’m back where this hell i’m in began. I’m pleased you are holding on to hope but mine has been destroyed by “the menace” as i call the darkness in my mind. I’m clinging to the edge now & await my rest. Take care brother. Stay strong.

    1. The world will NOT be better without you. You have unique gifts to share.

      The pain of losing a loved one to suicide is deep and wide. Stay strong for one minute, one hour, one day…until you find yourself on firmer ground.

      With love,
      a daughter who lost her biggest love, her father, to suicide

      1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Tricia. They are much appreciated.

        I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear father.

        Take care,
        Len

  3. “I wish when you are lonely & in darkness, that I could show you the ASTONISHING light of your own being,” Hafiz

    I love this quote, your light 💡 is filling the world at present, stay strong. I’m a grandma, mother, teacher 👩‍🏫. And run a podcast called A New Dawn, find it & other resources @ anewdawnaa.com.
    Blessings, hugs, you are worthy. Reach out to me on insta or Twitter: anewdawnaa
    Anne Moss is a warm soul, glad you found her site.

    You are here for s reason. <3
    Dawn Brenner

  4. Come here🤗🤗🤗🤗Hey! listen, it’s a darn world at times, believe me we don’t need to seek reasons.. the dark feeling itself becomes our logic… 🙏🏻All I can do from so far is 🤗🐬🤗🐬🤗🐬💕💕💕💕💕Hey come on .. I deserve a smile? Do I see you smile? That is reason enough to rise for ur life.. YESSSsss ‘You can’ The power is in you… 🍇🍒🍉🍓🍍🥝🍎🥥🍈🍊🤗

  5. Thank you for sharing your raw truth. You deserve and are worthy to live. I’ve had 3 attempts and I’m beyond grateful that I am here today. I want you to have the same feeling of hope and light. How are you doing? I frequent Twitter quite a bit and you can ALWAYS DM me. I’m John @Bipolar Battle
    ❤❤❤❤❤❤

  6. I have been in your shoes and want you to know your stronger, braver, and more valued then you realize! I hold hope and space for you! Never give up! I made it out of the shadows and I promise you there is a life of light and love! I say this, because people like us can help others! That is the latter I used to climb out of my pit. A Holocaust survivor Corey Tenboom once said, “No pit is so deep that God is not deeper still.” You have so much promise and much to give others. Peace and Healing to you!

  7. Gene,
    I know your pain is real. As a parent of an adult child that suffers from depression, PTSD and has been suicidal, I know the darkness you feel. It is scary. Just know you are not alone. Your story has already helped many, myself included. Please continue to tell your story. So glad you reached out.

  8. Gene, you are loved by morepeople thanyou realize. You are always worthy. This dark moment will pass, and you will see how many people truly adore you, your life has purpose and always will. Give it a chance, just take a breath and feel the love that surrounds you. I hope this offers you hope, because you truly are a beautiful person. I know in my heart, you will one day be able to look back on this moment and see the hugs that are in front of you. Sending you hope from me, and love. As a child, my Mom came to me, hurting, and I am so happy she did. We enjoyed each other for many more years. Grateful to have been hers to lean on. Lean onus here, and findthe light within you. You are so special. Don’t ever forget that.

  9. Gene this was so honest and brave. I am so glad you found Anne Moss. I am holding space for you and sending love and grace.

  10. I’m so glad you found Anne Moss’s column and there’s a reason for that. Hope is a real thing. Please cling to it, as you are worth it! God bless!

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