Trigger warning: Strong emotional content and suicide method mentioned.
I came across your post while researching how to hang myself. Ever the perfectionist, I wanted to make sure I was as efficient as possible.
The first thing that popped up on google was the suicide prevention hotline and right below was the video about Charles with the words, “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” I started to cry. Here was this total stranger reaching out and then sharing such a touching and painful story about the loss of her son, Charles.
Instead of finding instructions on how to tie a noose, there was someone saying hang on! You are worth existing! You’re special!
There is obviously no question that my state of mind was one of hopelessness and desperation as it often is. While in this dark place, all rational thought evaporates. Positivity of any kind is blocked from entering my subconscious. Words of encouragement are ignored.
I can actually feel when a bad episode is eminent, like dark storm clouds off in the distance–knowing I will soon be in the eye of the hurricane. It’s fitting because it’s calmest in the eye of a hurricane, where the thought of taking your life is almost a serene feeling. Like you have a choice to end this pain. Meanwhile all this craziness is whipping by you, ready to envelop you at at any minute.
You can’t even begin to imagine things in your life getting better or even where to start.
I’m a gay man, and the gay community can be very harsh and judgmental. Looks, wealth, and status reign supreme. I’m sure this is true for the straight community to some degree as well. We live in a society where social media dominates and tells us these are the things that give us self worth and define us as successful or dismal failures, and surely this is how we judge ourselves.
Dealing with depression, these outside influences, as well as our personal relationships, only compound the problem. I have no doubt that there are both chemical and situational reasons why myself and so many others consider suicide as the best solution for finally finding peace. To make the negative voices stop and put an end to the destructive cycle once and for all.
After his accident, Christopher Reeve once said, “ There are people out there walking around that are more paralyzed than I am.” I felt he was referring to people whose lives were being controlled by fear, depression, anxiety and insecurity.
Hope is a good a thing, and as it turns out, essential for survival in a very harsh world. That’s what I’m trying to cling to with no guarantees that I will win this fight.