It’s so tempting to blame our child’s initial drug-seeking behavior on “hanging out with the wrong crowd.” It’s the number one go-to reason parents tell me is the reason for their child’s drug use.
Kids start using to:
- Ease their pain and feel better
- Feel good
- Relax
- Relieve boredom
- Belong
In my opinion, “to belong” is rarely the reason these days. We think our child chooses some friend group that just happens to all start using about the same time, or our kid gets innocently sucked into the vortex of substance misuse.
The truth is, those who are struggling tend seek each other out
Then they tend to gravitate to numbing the pain.
They are struggling with a loss, their depression, or social anxiety, and they start using drugs to make them feel better.
Once they start, they want a group of people with whom they have a lot in common. Heavy drug use is a common ground, so the friend groups start to shift. It’s a toxic environment. It was obvious to me that Charles’ childhood group of buddies was the same, and the only defector was Charles. Or it could be they found someone else hurtig and the pair or the group gravitates toward drug use.
I understand that to resolve all this in our minds, the parents’ minds, we want to believe our kid was better than the others. I sure did. “Not my kid,” I wanted to believe.
I wanted to believe Charles had been influenced by “the wrong crowd”
Spyware indicated he also swiped medications from friends’ medicine cabinets as often as they raided ours.
I thought their kids looked sketchy and suspect.
And they likely thought the same about my child.
I won’t ever forget the time I overheard someone say my son was “bad news,” like he was a bad apple that their kids needed to steer clear of. That was shocking. Who? Charles? Are you serious?
Eventually, I could see there was a lot of finger-pointing behind the scenes, fueled by our frustration at not being able to stop what had become a really bad habit, and for some of them, an addiction.
Fear drove judgment, and avoidance would surely mean they wouldn’t get mixed up in all this drug culture.
I think it’s time we understand that our kid was likely part of that “bad crowd” and not so much a victim of it. More herd mentality of using drugs than individuals influencing one another separately.
It’s not you. It’s not “other kids.” It’s a lot of genetics and culture and a predisposition to substance use disorder.
You are very right. No mother or father want to think their child is to blame. I have an ex sister in law who was a heroin user for years. Her boyfriend died of an accidental overdose. She ended up in hospital. Then prison. Now years (20+) later she is clean and helps others, talks to groups ect. My children saw their Auntie at her worst and they are so anti drugs. I’m so glad. You talking about this helps so many Anne. Thank you for this blog x
Agreed.
One thing that bugged me more than the “sketchy friends”, were the parents of said friends who would say one thing to my face & then smoke pot with my 13 y o kid.
Oh my gosh. And what killed me was the parents who would criticize so and so’s kid to my face when I knew theirs was doing worse stuff. They thought they were in the clear but the spyware revealed so much. I would have told some of them but they were just acquaintances and not ready to hear it and would have shot the messenger.