Charles could never get filled up

I wondered about this when he was younger. We would do something fun and when it ended, he’d prance around like a monkey trying to keep us all in the room doing that fun thing.

I remember one night I bought some hokey colored disco ball from Target that rotated like a globe of colored lights when you plugged it in. I cut off all the lights in the room, cut on the music and our whole family danced in the den. Charles loved it. My husband Randy? Not so much but he was a good sport and participated because Charles was a Daddy’s boy.

But there comes a time when you have to do something else and I cut off the colored light globe after about fifty minutes and he made me feel horribly guilty.

There were times I would measure whether I wanted to do something crazy knowing that he’d love it so much he’d crash at the end and relentlessly badger me for stopping.

He craved friends constantly, obsessively. Once one would leave, he would beg another to replace that friend or go out knocking on doors to find another. Then he’d beg them to spend the night, stay up all night and not let them sleep. I’m not sure what time of morning he’d actually fall asleep or for how long.

He was a sensation seeker who could never get enough. Not enough candy, not enough drugs, not enough friends. He even wrote obsessively filling up notebook after notebook with rap lyrics. He didn’t sleep and seemed to always be on. Only once a month or so, he’d have a sleep marathon like you could save up your lack of sleep and cash it in all at once. Even on those nights he wouldn’t fall asleep until late at night.

Most creative geniuses have this trait. Most suffer from addiction, too and have obsessive traits. They are the people who light up the room with their presence. And hate being alone because that’s when the darkness moves in.

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Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and my book, Diary of a Broken Mind, will be published in the fall. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website

10 thoughts on “Charles could never get filled up”

  1. Yep. That’s my kid. She’s learned to replenish through major therapy, meds, and lots of praying. I believe that saved her life. Thank you Anne. Keep doing what you’re doing. Charles was truly lucky to have you as his Mom

  2. Agreed Robin, may all his wishes for love and happiness be met.
    My Jill always needed others. Not good at playing alone. Never wanted to be alone. It seemed almost painful.
    Sleepovers as often as possible. Staying up late. Always the last to leave any event. Once the event ended, “what can we do now?”
    May they both have all the comfort and love their hearts can handle!

  3. May your sweet boy be where the disco ball is going 24/7, with nonstop music, candy and friends! He deserves all good things. You do too, Anne Moss❣️

    1. When I watch shows about John Belushi or chris Farley, it reminds me of charles. Those personality traits just can’t be sustained. I think that was always in the back of my mind

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