As I’ve been going over the edits of my book, writing the back page blurb, getting the quotes, working on the subtitle, I’m now getting those doubts that I had when I wrote my newspaper article. What if it just dies when it’s published like an old azalea bloom in the summer heat?
That same feeling of panic is creeping up on me. And that dread, what if no one reads it? What if I put this out there and it’s like I have to bury his memory like I had to bury him?
Will people think it’s not worth reading because it’s about death? Is the story of my son’s suicide too ugly, too dark or too much? Will anyone ever come to the book signings or will I be sitting at a table with a pile of books that gather dust? Will my book end up in the bargain bin a month after publish?
I don’t want to admit this to all of you or publish this post. I don’t want to confess this internal doubt. Instead, I want to put on a façade and fake like I’m totally confident the hardest thing I have ever written is not going to bomb but instead be a huge blockbuster.
No one is immune to self doubt. And the more I put myself out there, the more risk I take for colossal failure. Time to take a deep breath.
The book was written for something so much deeper inside you then whether or not it sells ‘big’. It was your lifeline at the time and that is a much bigger tribute to Charles. Your vulnerability has unlocked a lot of hearts. I’m sure you’ve heard the adage —Worry is like a rocking chair — it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere so just embrace the moment. It’s being published.
That’s exactly what I always tell my mom! I’m not a worry wart but these doubts creep in and I will just manage them as they hit.
Hang in there, Anne Moss. It will be a beacon and a blessing to many. I love what Leigh said in her comment. Ditto!
If your book saves one life, it will all be worth it. Somebody’s Charles is out there suffering. Your book will have ripple effects, helping many. Don’t listen to those voices. What you’re doing is truly meaningful. Not many of us know with certainty we’ve made a difference in somebody’s life.
Amen to that, Leigh!
Thank you for throwing some water on that fire. I feel so embarrassed and overwhelmed.