by Hali
Note from Anne Moss: This one from Hali on this post who gave me permission to post this.
You’re a very kind person, Anne. It’s very sweet of you to take the time to try and keep people from making the mistake and ending their lives. But I would like to share my current feelings as well.
I’m a 15 year old girl and I’ve been dealing with anxiety and low self esteem for a while now. It’s only getting worse and I’m pretty sure I have depression. I’ve been so stressed in school, not just with work but also because of low self esteem and my anxiety.
I’m always tired, not just physically tired but also mentally tired. I literally hate myself in every way. I feel so ugly and disgusting, I can’t even look in the mirror because it makes me sick. I make myself want to throw up.
Thankfully, I have a lot of friends who always tell me that they think I’m beautiful, but I don’t believe them at all. I feel like I’m annoying and not worth anything. I feel like I cause so much stress in my family and things would be better if I just didn’t exist. But at the same time, I fear death.
So I’m not sure if I’m really suicidal, but today I did write a suicide note. I wasn’t actually going to kill myself, I just wanted to see what I would say if I were to make a suicide letter. Let’s just say it broke my heart reading my own letter.
I’ve been raised in a broken family, but I love all of my sisters and they’re always there for me. I honestly continue to live for others, but not for my own being.
But it seems I have gotten more sad and I always feel alone because I never get to see my sisters since they have all moved out, including the sister I’m closest too. I now live with my dad and my two younger siblings and it’s honestly chaos.
My dad isn’t the best father and he makes it hard to live with. I just sit in my room and cry most of the time, wondering if life is even worth it. I’m sorry I feel this way but I really needed to get it off my chest.
Thank you so much Anne for what you’re doing, and if you’re someone who’s planning on killing themselves, please don’t. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you’re not alone. All of us are going through things and if you can’t find a purpose, maybe our purpose is to help each other through this world.
Thank you for taking the time to read this (:
I’m in awe Hali of your strength and bravery to write so openly and reach out to Anne Moss. I just watched a Ted talk about depression often being connected to a lack of doing something enjoyable. There is never a blanket answer of course. But please ask yourself what makes you laugh, brings you pleasure, relaxation, gives you a feeling of purpose. Write these down where you see them often. You have helped more people than you likely realize just with this one post. Please keep writing. Stay in the company of caring, encouraging people. You’re amazing!
Wow – so this one got me deep in my gut. Hello 15 year old me. So sad and lost in a chaotic family who doesn’t get me at all. Thankfully in a short time when you can move out sweet Hali, you are free to make the biggest, most awesome life for yourself. In the meantime, always stick close to those friends that really see and hear you. You will be able to turn those insecurities into really reaching out to & helping others because you truly get it. 💚 Big Love & props for sharing this.
Hali this is so honest and raw. And BRAVE!!! Are their any adults you could confide in? Please know that you matter. Your voice matters and your story certainly matters!!! One day at a time sister. Sometimes just the next two minutes. You’ve stumbled into an awesome tribe here. No stronger, caring, compassionate people will you find. Sending you so much love and grace for peace. 💙
You have a gift of writing! Hang in there if I can do it you can too! You have such a bright future!! These next few years may be hard but I want you to know your life will get better I promise! I lived almost all my teenage years wanting to die. As I got older and free on my own I started to love myself more. This person once said
“I came to Realize that I didn’t want to die, I just wanted my life as I knew it to end.!”
That was me and at 52 I still have days like that however this I promise you joy comes in the morning every time! Hang in there you are amazing!!!❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
That was really inspiring, Michelle. Thank you so much for your supportive words ❤️. I’ll take your word for it and try to hang on, no matter how tough it gets. And I agree with that person that said they didn’t really want to die. I don’t want to die either, I just want all of my problems to come to an end and I wish I was someone else; someone better. But I don’t truly want to end my life. Thank you so much and I’ll continue to fight through my struggles!!
You are a hero Anne Moss ❤️ And making a huge difference to so many!
Thank you for sharing this with others, Anne! I’m glad you could put my message out there for others to read. Hopefully this will help some who are also dealing with the same or similar problems as me.
I’m also willing to talk to anyone who needs advice or someone to just listen. I know I’m young and probably don’t understand a lot, but I can still try my best and help. I always put myself in others situations and I’d love to talk to anyone who needs support. I’m here for you, even if we’re strangers. That goes for you too, Anne. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. He seemed like a wonderful person and you’re so strong to make a support blog and write many books to make sure no one has to go through that sort of pain. You’re a wonderful mother and I wish the best for you and your family. Stay strong!!
You are a treasure, Hali and beautiful inside and out. This will help others understand and know they are not alone. And thank you. It’s nice to know I can direct people your way.