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How can I love a dead child?

After my son Charles died by suicide, I had to learn to accept the loss –a brutal and agonizing process. I wondered where all that love I had for my child was going to go since he was no longer with me as a living being.

Somehow I thought I would redistribute that love elsewhere. I do share it more now as a salve to the ache that loss has left. But I have never stopped loving or talking to Charles, which if you saw me, would look a lot like I was talking to the air.

I’ve developed a different kind of relationship with my youngest child since his death. I made the effort to understand depression, addiction and suicide. And after reading his music and his messages, I got to know Charles from a different point of view and better than I had ever known him while he was alive. That was difficult to accept.

I would never have thought I could have a relationship with someone who had died. Of course it’s different and I will always grieve his death.

But now when I laugh, I feel him laughing with me. When I’m on stage talking about him, I feel him next to me. That love I have for my child won’t ever stop– until my own heart does.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

One thought on “How can I love a dead child?”

  1. You are so right Anne Moss. The love lives on. A relationship continues. The adjustment is agonizing. All this.

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