How can I love a dead child?

After my son Charles died by suicide, I had to learn to accept the loss –a brutal and agonizing process. I wondered where all that love I had for my child was going to go since he was no longer with me as a living being.

Somehow I thought I would redistribute that love elsewhere. I do share it more now as a salve to the ache that loss has left. But I have never stopped loving or talking to Charles, which if you saw me, would look a lot like I was talking to the air.

I’ve developed a different kind of relationship with my youngest child since his death. I made the effort to understand depression, addiction and suicide. And after reading his music and his messages, I got to know Charles from a different point of view and better than I had ever known him while he was alive. That was difficult to accept.

I would never have thought I could have a relationship with someone who had died. Of course it’s different and I will always grieve his death.

But now when I laugh, I feel him laughing with me. When I’m on stage talking about him, I feel him next to me. That love I have for my child won’t ever stop– until my own heart does.

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Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

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