by Danny Gautama
I am not ashamed to tell you how bad my life was and how bad I struggled. I felt I was below rock bottom. It was like how hell felt like and I can imagine the Devil himself was winning the battle but I eventually won the War.
Depression was not pretty.
It was like living the worst day of my entire life over and over and over. It felt like Freddy Krueger and demons were haunting me in my dreams and this is just an understatement. It was horrible.
Some days I wanted to sleep in bed and other days I would drag myself out of bed. I had no momentum, no energy and was so negative about life. I blamed others for my hard times when I was the one responsible. I was not as productive at work, cried and lost my appetite.
I would irritable and envied others who were happy because I did not know what that felt like. My life was not going in the direction I wanted. It was stagnant. I never wanted to leave this world just existing. I wanted to do something that would make an impact
In addition to depression, I also endured OCD, anxiety and agoraphobia.
Then there were my numerous panic attacks that drained all my energy and the numerous blood tests, and neurological tests I had to get just to confirm I was okay.
With all these issues I faced, I never made effort to get better, so I chose to stay like this, gave in and let my struggles take control of my life. There were all kinds of excuses not to improve my life because I always played the victim role.
While I was afraid of suicide, a part of me wanted to die in my sleep. For some tiny small reason I DID NOT GIVE UP. That tiny small reason was a glimpse of hope–almost like a guardian angel telling me you will win.
“You will win. You are too strong.”
I had to give myself credit for getting up and doing another day. Almost like taunting Depression, “Is this is that the best you got?”
How did I survive? I survived having FAITH that on the other side of the world was a place that was waiting for me. A place where I knew this struggle would end and a new beginning would embark.
The sad thing is many give up in life and will never know what hope there will be in the future because they end it. If they only knew that hope existed. Just because we don’t see or feel hope does not mean it is not there.
When I shifted and made that transition from hell to freedom it was overwhelming but I am so happy I made it out and I survived.
My faith was restored and I am in a better place in my life mentally.
This is what I want you to understand, you do not have to live in hell. I lived in hell because I chose to. Nobody held me down and nobody strapped me to a bed. I made that choice and it was destroying me. You can make that conscious choice to free yourself. Remember we must not act like victims because we are not.
We are accountable for our life and we can choose to change it any time and any day. Come to my side my friend it is so much fun here. If I can do it you can do it. I love being on this side. I smile and laugh more. I have no restrictions to where I can go and what I can achieve. I have more connections with people. I socialize and go out to romantic restaurants as opposed to having Skype relationships in the past.
Nothing is so hard that it can’t be overcome
All it takes is effort on your part because we can only encourage. You have to make the decision. Remember, if you want to get better then you will find a way to make it happen and if you don’t then you will be in the same spot.
Do you want happiness or depression? My guess is happiness so then you know what needs to be done right? Once you start making progress then you will see more people are going to show up in your life to support you because they will see that you are taking charge of your life. That is exactly what happened to me.
I used to get so much encouragement from families and friends but they just gave up because they thought I wanted to live like this and as I got better, I grew a whole new support system because they saw my willingness to move forward and create a new beginning in my life.
You still have this chance to turn it around. So NOW is that time and today is that day.
Remember, Rocky Balboa, said “If I can change and you can change everybody can change” and Michael Jackson, said “Make that change.”
I once said, “I have OCD, depression, anxiety and agoraphobia I can’t do anything.”
Today I say,” I still have all these illnesses but I can still inspire.”I HAVE CONTROL NOW!
I am not sure what problems or issues you are facing but I know that everyone struggles from time to time which is what life can do to us but we have the choice of how we react to what life throws at us and what we can do to improve our circumstances and situations. Break free of these chains and live the life that you were only meant to live. A life of joy happiness and success.
God bless you and take care.
Sincerely, Danny Gautama (The Fighter), Windsor, Ontario.
4 thoughts on “Do you want happiness or depression?”
Love you Leigh! Thanks
Very inspirational! Proud of you! Keep it up…
Love you Gray. Thank you