Cuddling up with my Charles memories

It still hits. Those grief lightning bolts of loss since Charles’ suicide. They are different 3.5 years later, however.

When it first happened, I could not escape those unrelenting waves of grief. I lost one third of my hair, screamed at the walls, blamed the carpet, broke out in hives, wrote two blogs a day to manage the hurt, and sank to the floor in sobbing wails of despair and loss.

The grief has softened into something like a vignette around a picture.

No longer do I run from my grief but towards it.

When it hits, I embrace it like a soft blanket and allow myself the tears and moments of remembrance. I let the journey take me back to a time when Charles was happy and allow it to remind me the last five years when he was not. But most of all I embrace those moments because that grief is the only tie I have with my son who killed himself.

This will never pass. I will never “get over” this part because I don’t want to. I don’t want to forget him. And I need these moments and honor the hurt as part of the fabric of my life.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

4 thoughts on “Cuddling up with my Charles memories”

  1. That second paragraph is so descriptive, I could almost feel your pain. Thank you for sharing so openly. Others are following your lead. Keep shining the light and bringing awareness. You are making a big difference.

    1. It was all of you who encouraged me to keep wriyehen I felt guilty for putting it out there and spurred me writing a book when I didn’t think I could manage it. Thank you for the comment. It means a lot.

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