Should I tell someone my friend is thinking of suicide?

Your friend has confided in you their darkest and most personal feelings. It took everything for them to tell you they are thinking of suicide and now they have asked you not to tell anyone which leaves you in a horrible dilemma.

You wonder, “Should I tell someone my friend is thinking of suicide?”

Yes.

Will your friend be mad?

Maybe.

But you’d rather have your friend mad than dead. I’ve had to call campus police for someone I cared about and in this case, it was an emergency. The student I had been on the phone with was drunk, in deep despair and then was not answering my calls or texts and I needed to take action. I was very clear with campus police that they handle it with compassion. At least it made them think.

As hard as it is, this is a life or death and we always want to focus on life. A school counselor is an excellent choice if you are a student. Universities also have counselors and counseling centers, crisis lines and you can reach out to one of those. You can both call the crisis text line or the suicide prevention lifeline together (numbers below). Or you can call them and just ask for advice. That’s what they are there for. Every situation is different and not a 911 emergency and they can help you evaluate the urgency and offer the next steps.

Offer to go with your friend to tell someone together or call a hotline for the next steps. In some cases, like if they are standing on a bridge, you have to call 911. But that is often a last resort.

You don’t want to say, “Make me promise you won’t suicide.” Because this is a person in so much despair, they can’t make that promise. And by trying to extract a promise, you are shaming them although that is most likely not your intention at all.

You can do this. And if they absolutely will not act as your partner, you have to tell someone. Because what if they die and you never told anyone?

When you tell someone else, how do you tell them?

Example:

“Mrs. Jones, your son Adam confided something in me you should know. It is very important that you take this seriously. He has attempted suicide and suffers from thoughts of suicide. These thoughts don’t go away and he’s struggling, ashamed and feeling despair. He is afraid to tell you because he knows how proud you are of him. I’m very concerned. Please don’t say, ‘He’s doing this to get attention.’ I’m worried. Suicide is usually the result of an underlying mental health condition and I suspect depression.”

That gives you an idea of what to go with. Sometimes a parent is not the best choice. Sometimes they are. If the family is not accepting of this friend’s gender identity for example, they might not be the best to tell.

So when your friend asks you, “Did you tell my parents/teacher/etc?” Say, “Yes, I did. I was very worried. What if you had died by suicide? I would never get over it and would always regret it. I did it because I care about you and I’d rather you were mad at me than dead. Mad, I can live with.”

I lost my youngest son, Charles, to suicide and although I have found emotional healing, it will hurt for the rest of my life. It’s a brutal grief journey.

Thank you for caring enough about another human being to listen to him/her with compassion and for looking up the phrase to figure out what to do. Now go save a life because you rock as a human being.

Do ask questions or leave comments on this post.

If you are with a friend and not sure what to do, you can reach out to a crisis text line or suicide hotline and ask. But the bottom line is, do tell a trusted adult.

USA 1-800-273-8255
USA Crisis Text 741-741
US Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
US Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
United Kingdom Samaritans 116 123
Australia Crisis Line 13 11 14
Canada Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
Canada TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines

https://annemoss.com/2017/11/23/say-someone-tells-cutting/

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

4 thoughts on “Should I tell someone my friend is thinking of suicide?”

  1. Yes! Tell someone and if that person does nothing tell someone else. Care enough to save a life. Rock your human being!

  2. I know that with one doctor, I was able to call him up and tell him when I was struggling and considering this. He always accepted me telling him and didn’t judge me. He just listened and was there for me, helping me until I could get past it. One of the best things that he could have done and one of the best people I have ever known in my life. My husband is also helpful in these times and now I’m getting to a point where I really don’t consider this as something I want to do. It took me years to get to this point. If someone is reaching out, don’t ignore it – be there for them in every way. People are hurting and they need people who care.

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