Nobody wants me

I am in a rejection business on two sides. On the one hand I have been trying to secure some paid speaking engagements. And the other is trying to get a book published.

From the speaking angle, I’m often “not right for their event,” “time isn’t good,” “not a good fit,” and “I think it’s fine to talk about all this. Just not around my audience,” and my favorite, “can you make your story more positive?” If I played some of these scenes back on video, they’d see it in themselves. They would cringe and say, “What was I thinking?” While I never leave an audience without hope, my story is my story. I wish I could rewrite it but I can’t redo yesterday for the sake of making the event brochure more enticing.

The truth is all these excuses are from people who are just too scared to bring in a bold topic in favor of the standard-issue sure thing. Authenticity is fine as long as the topic doesn’t have anything to do with death.

The truth is there is never a right time to introduce the topics I speak about which is why any time is the right time. It always makes people uncomfortable and often makes them want to make an excuse and a hasty exit. I’ve had to get used to that and forge ahead gently, leaving room for people to recover and save face. When I get a win, it’s a rare gem among a vat of rejections so far and wide, lighting them on fire would kill everyone of smoke inhalation within five states.

Then there’s the book.

To an agent who is getting queries from un-famous authors writing memoirs like me, they see a typical, “I’ve come back to life after my ____________ and found joy again.” Insert devastating life event in the blank.

Despite the fact I don’t position it that way but instead highlight what is different about my book which is Charles’ music lyrics that reflect the story I’m telling, that’s not how they see it. And then there are agents who have not even opened my email. I can’t get upset that no one’s reading the email, right?

Throw in a year’s worth of speech and swallow therapy in the mix due to the post radiation issues for this brain tumor, it feels like I should just throw up my surrender flag and say, “You win,” or some other really bitter comment that temporarily makes me feel good when I yell it at my windshield.

I’m used to it. Really I am. And most the time, it rolls right off me and I’m right on to the next thing. But sometimes when there is a cluster of rejections all at once, say twenty or more in a week’s time, it starts to feel like I’m forging a path through sludge and pushing an iceberg at the same time.

Some days the climb is so daunting and full of land mines I wonder why the hell I do this to myself. It’s those days I want to reach out and touch my child’s face or stroke that curly hair and the image just vaporizes and the reality of his end spills over my eyelids and down my cheeks.

The book will get published. I will get more paid gigs because I believe I will and will put in the effort to get there. I won’t give up.

Even now, I’m allowing myself a moment of wallowing before I launch into repair mode because I need to get spitting mad at humanity and cuss it out for not being fair. I will launch into my alter ego mode eventually and talk my way out of this and back on the horse that has kicked me in the face ninety nine times.

I’m either that tough or that stupid.

I ask myself, “Why the hell did I give up everything to do this?”

There’s you guys. This unexpected group of people who have helped me find and work through this healing process, picked me up when I feel run over and dusted me off and put fresh energizer batteries back into my motivation.

Then there are the people who find this site from google in their worst moment and it says, “I saw Charles’ video, Letter to God and it saved my life last night.”

That’s when I realize why I do it. People who think they are worthless say that one thing that fills my heart with gratefulness.

Thanks for letting me vent. 🙂

Subscribe to this blog

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and my book, Diary of a Broken Mind, will be published in the fall. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website

14 thoughts on “Nobody wants me”

  1. I feel the same way so much of the time. It almost comes across to me as long as I say what everyone else states, then there are many that want to listen. I’m not like everyone else. For me, life gave me different experiences. Just feels like we brush aside the difficult subjects far too easy. The words you write here, I could have easily written so thank you for sharing your struggles and journey. Makes me a little nervous as my book comes close to publication. Yet, I think my inner wisdom is telling me, “not to worrry – those that need my book will find it.”

    1. Don when you publish your book, write your story here (or a part of it) and then we can feature your book at the bottom and a link to your site. It’s the audience I reach. About 1.2k per day.

  2. You’re doing a great job, Anne Moss, and making a difference in people’s lives. Vent any time you want, just keep up the good work. Thanks for all your sacrifice and hard work.

  3. I feel like it will happen – just maybe not right now. And Beth is right – look at all of us that you are helping! All of us deserve to wallow and throw a little pity party now and then, after what we’ve been through! (Umm, really bitter comments make me feel great sometimes…)
    Keep it up and you will catch a break. It did for Megan Devine, and Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle and it will for you too. Then I will say, “I knew her when…”
    I want you!

  4. Your message is so important. Every time I hear you speak, I am greatly loved. Thank you for all you do! Fingers crossed about the book!!

  5. Anne, you make an indelible impression that transcends whatever “rejections” you may be fielding. Your time is here, your talents and intentions are needed, and your will is prevailing even when you aren’t aware. Onward!

  6. Vent anytime you like, Anne Moss. We love you, support you and are grateful for your voice crying out in the wilderness. Looking forward to rejoicing with you when the book is found by the right publisher. ❤️

  7. I believe Brene Brown faced the same daunting challenge when she was getting started – and no one wanted to hear about the topic of her research: shame.

    Anne, you are so gifted; I trust this is temporary. You are helping so many people. And I believe you will get those speaking engagements and the attention of a smart publisher.

    1. It is temporary and by writing about it, I can move past it. I just hit road blocks and have a tough grief day and then it’s too much for that day and I have to back off which I do. I am using Karla’s breathing techniques that I posted here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.