by Tamara Harvey Braswell and Lloyd Braswell
Where was God when my 19-year-old son Logan died from severe bleeding and broken bones hours after he slammed his truck into a tree? I think God went on vacation that summer morning and left no miracles behind, at least not for Logan and me. Against my will, my soul was deposited on the grief trail, a journey no parent should ever have to experience…but many of us do.
Even the most perfect of parents and best of kids draw the short stick in life and bad things happen. I used to have high hopes. No matter how bad things got, there was always God’s life preserver to bring in that miracle. After Logan died, hope dwindled to getting by. God was clearly absent, checked out and I felt utterly on my own.
But was I?
One day, as I was plowing through social media, I saw one of these typical inspirational quotes of the day that ended with, “Know all things work together for good.” Obviously, someone who didn’t experience true loss posted this and I thought, “What good could come out of my son’s death?”
Little did I know the message came from another bereaved parent, Lloyd Braswell, who lost two of his four children. Lloyd is also a pastor with a firm faith in God and God’s love. I wanted to know how God worked in his life and how he was able transform his pain into something good.
Lloyd, tell me about your loss?
Much of my life has been wonderful, including an idealized childhood and very supportive parents. But I have had deep loss. My daughter Kaitlin, born with special needs, lived only 13 months and she died in 1995. My 18-year-old son Matthew died by suicide in 2010. This was followed by my genetic heart issues and complications, including three open heart surgeries and a stroke happening in just a two-year period (thankfully, in good health now). My wife deserted me emotionally, which led to divorce. There have been other struggles along the way.
I don’t view these as part of God’s plan, or that everything happens for a reason, but I truly believe God brings good from all the pain if we turn it over to him.
You have said your son Matthew’s death is the most tragic event in your life.
Where was God at the time Matthew died?
God was right there with Matthew and I believe God also had a broken heart. Matthew probably didn’t feel God’s presence. When you are going through tough times, you may not feel God’s presence, but God is there. He never leaves you even if you think he does.
I believe God was working in Matthew’s life, but Matthew had tunnel vision and he couldn’t see beyond his pain. Matthew made a choice to end his life. Following the breakup with his girlfriend and other issues, he spiraled into a deep depression. He was in such pain that he turned to drugs to make things better, but they made things worse and he died of an intentional overdose.
God felt Matthew’s pain and never left his side.
Sometimes in the midst of pain, we can’t feel God’s presence. We blame God, pushing him away because we are angry, asking, “Why did you, God, allow this to happen?”
Then we reach out, asking God for help. We tend to go back and forth between two extremes.
I didn’t get mad at God because he gives us free will. You can’t have love without free will. I believe God is with us regardless of the choices we make.
How can hope come from your child’s death?
Hope comes in knowing God is always with us. He gives us the strength when we need it the most and when we are in midst of great pain. You can grow from your pain and use your pain to help others.
Two passages in the Bible speak to this: Isaiah 40 verse 31 and Romans 8 verse 28. These passages speak the Hope of the Lord. God gives us the strength to walk and not faint and God can even bring good from all that we experience.
There are times people ask me how I was able to function after Matthew’s death. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to keep going and God gave me the strength I needed to keep going.
I am a much more compassionate person. I relate to people in their pain and their struggles because what I have been through.
I can relate to most anything.
I was taught as a child if you have faith and pray, God will take care of you.
Was it that I didn’t pray hard enough?
The Bible doesn’t teach all things will be good, just that God will be with us in whatever we experience. When I look at the Bible, people who persevered in their pain are my role models. Joseph, from the Old Testament, is my biggest role model. He did everything right, yet he was sold into slavery, then falsely accused of rape. He spent 13 years in prison, yet he continued to be faithful no matter what happened. God never left Joseph in his pain. By age 30, Joseph was second in command in Egypt.
How has God been with you since Matthew died?
I felt like I was able to become more dependent on God in some ways. Not sure how I became dependent. I spent more time in solitude and learned the importance of silence to be in the presence of God and he be in the presence of me. I came to the realization that regardless of what happens, God is with me. This is something I always believed, but that belief became real as I went through hell on earth.
What helped you to get through the death of Matthew?
It’s not something you get through. It’s a journey. After the death of my daughter I spoke to a pastor friend about how I hadn’t gotten over it. Her response was so helpful. She said you don’t get over it, you work through it. With the death of a child, you are constantly working through it.
Is God punishing us for losing our children?
No. I don’t see God as a God who punishes. There are a lot of bad things that happen, sometimes because of free will and things we will never understand. God is with us and gives us that inner strength to keep going. He loves us. Think of it from a Christian prospective, God is a bereaved parent with the death of his only son Jesus.
What helps in the day to day life to cope with this pain?
I have to keep going, to make a difference. I get my energy from helping people in need and helping others who are hurting or in pain similar to mine.
Free eBook. Coping Strategies for Grief & Loss
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Is there happiness after Matthew’s death?
Yes. You have to go on with your life. Matthew would want me to and he would want me to be happy. Even after Matthew’s death, there was a series of other traumatic events, including my younger son, Blake, going through struggles. There were my health issues and my separation and divorce.
I have to keep living. If you keep living, you have to really live and not just exist. I find happiness in spending time with God, spending time with my children and being in relationship with others.
I am a social person, but I can’t depend on others. I have had to work through things myself. For several years I saw a counselor. I continue to meet regularly with a spiritual director. Every session begins with a simple, yet powerful question – how is God working in your life?
How has Matthew’s death and the other challenges in your life strengthen your relationship with God?
It is primarily through realizing God is there and will give me the strength that I need. There will always be pain, but I can see how He has been with me and even how He brings good from all the pain.
How has all of this changed you as a pastor?
I can connect to so many difficult situations and help people see God is there and that God can help them in their deepest struggles. Too often people have this false belief that if you are a Christian everything will be good. I try to help those in church see the pain in the world and to be real about their pain. I have connected more with others outside the church…people who see the church as not connecting with them in their daily pains and struggles.
I think my pain has helped me to be more empathetic with people who are hurting, being there without judging or telling them what to do. Be present. Listen.
Pain relates to pain.
Lloyd is the father of four, Kaitlin and Matthew who passed away, and his living children, 26-year-old Blake and 19-year-old Madison. Lloyd is also the pastor at Chester Baptist Church in Chester, Virginia and devotes his time to helping others cope with their struggles, including grief, mental illness, addictions and sickness. His faith is grounded in love, peace and forgiveness from the teachings of Jesus Christ and the example set by his parents.
Tamara is Logan’s mom. She lives in Denver, Colorado, close to her brother, and she spends a great deal of her time working to save lives in her role with the Colorado Department of Transportation. She also finds peace in the natural beauty around her. She writes about her grief inloganshoes.blog
Lloyd and Tamara found each other on the grief trail through Emotionally Naked.
I have been screaming to God and crying every day since my 26 year old son Schuyler died on February 11th from blood clots due to covid. We didn’t fall for the poison injections, but they also have suppressed information that if you have a weak immune system like he did, you will develop clots. They also prevented us from getting the meds needed as I tried to get ivermectin for over a year. The vitamin protocol wasn’t enough for him. Our government murdered my son and millions of other just to win an election.
I hate them with the flames of hell and God will deal with me over that. I want the rapture to happen so we can all leave this horrible world. I don’t need to stay to get justice if I’m in heaven with my son.
He was my only child. My husband died 22 years ago so now I’m alone. I have no idea why God allowed this to happen but it does feel like I’m being punished. I’m not mad at God because I know all evil comes from Satan, but God did allow it so my #1 question is WHY.
I’m an emotional wreck, can’t eat much, my hair is falling out and I have PTSD from how it happened, because the last thing I did for my son was CPR. This is slowly killing me.
I’ve got great friends and just started going to Grief Share. However nothing is filling in the huge gap where my son was. He was 5 when his father died, so I raised him alone and we became best friends, especially during some very hard times, but adversity can make you stronger and we became each others’ backbones. He asked Jesus into his heart twice because he felt he hadn’t lived up to his promises the first time. A very special person. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m too broken to be any good to God. He hasn’t told me why I’m left behind. I don’t want to be here.
I’m not suicidal, I’m just stating a fact. This world is not our home. We should all be wanting to leave it.
My heart breaks for you. I lost my son to suicide. So I do know how you feel although he was not my only. One of the authors of this article, Tamara will also comment. She, too lost her only child and had lost her husband (Logan’s father) to suicide years before. So her story is so similar to yours and she raised Logan pretty much on her own.
Keep going to grief share. Just keep going. It will help although it all feels so so bad right now.
Anger is a natural emotion. I found writing and very intense physical exercise helped me with this strong emotion, especially the anger. That feeling of helplessness and frustration is not foreign to me either. I hope you will find something that helps you. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you for your reply. I don’t know what can help me, I miss him so much it’s soul crushing.
I don’t think Tamara is replying to this page anymore, but that’s okay, words are words and nothing seems to help me.
I’m just lost my 16 year old son to suicide. I know now that I missed many signs in my busy life, and just chalked it up to being a teenager. The night he took his life, we had an argument. I have wrestled with the grief of those words. I know I will never be the same. However, I know that he gave his life to Christ at 12 and was baptized. The world enveloped him more than I knew, but I know God holds him and I will see him again. He suffered major trauma when he was 8 when his biological father became a methamphetamine addict and tore our world apart. I went to build a life with a wonderful man, who adopted both of my boys last year. I didn’t realize how this must have haunted him, though he loved me and my husband. I have screamed and cried at God since the terrible news four days ago. I will be burying my son on Monday, and it is unimaginable to me that he is not here. I have made the choice to keep my faith in God, even when I question how so many terrible tragedies have happened in my adult life. I screamed “How many more lightning bolts will be aimed at me God? I’ve had beyond my share!” I know he understands. I also know I will see my baby again.
Wendy- I lost my son to suicide as well. In 2015 and I started this blog soon after. I see that you are already using your faith to navigate this immensely difficult journey. I, too, struggled with the signs I missed and argued on the phone with my son when he was actually suicidal and I know now probably trying to call for help. It’s so hard for us to believe life for our child would be so bad they’d want to take their life because from the outside their lives look pretty good. Working through the coulda woulda shouldas is hard and it’s a part of grief from suicide loss. I feel confident you will learn to quiet that taunting voice and your faith in God will help you. Thank you for sharing your story and your son with us.
My name is Anthony, my son Bryan passed away on September 5, 2021, he was 3 and a half months away from being 22. He had turned to meth about 6 years prior to his passing and during that time since I didn’t approve or allow him to use meth around me I didn’t see much of him, usually we just texted or he would voice text me which since his passing I am glad I kept his voice messages so I can hear his voice anytime I want. I know I keep reading on here about people saying their children are going to heaven by just accepting or believing in Christ and I do not want to make any of them feel different but I do not believe that, I was raised that you have to obey the Bible and get baptized which my son never was so my fear is he is in God’s presence now but unless God shows him mercy his eternity will not be pretty and that is what eats away at me daily. No words saying belief or acceptance alone to be saved will make me change my beliefs especially when the bible doesn’t even teach acceptance as a way to God or salvation. Anyway my biggest thing currently is I still know God exists but have been unable to go back to church since my son passed because my belief in God hasn’t changed but how am I to respond to people telling me to have faith that nothing is impossible for God when sparing my son was obviously impossible or hearing if I have faith and pray God will answer my prayers when the most important prayer of my life was ignored or not answered, so see I didn’t become an atheist like some would after losing their child but I don’t believe faith or prayer works anymore since it wasn’t enough to save my son or to give my son who just the day before, when he did decide to stay with me the last day before he passed, told me he wanted to change his life for the better and God never gave him the chance to do it. Am I a bit bitter yeah you could say that but it is gonna take a real miracle for me to actually trust God to help me or be there for me ever again
Anthony I know that feeling and I hear you. I am going to let Lloyd or Tamara answer this more thoroughly from a theological perspective but I just want you to know how much I appreciate that you are speaking from the heart. For me, I had to stop praying for outcomes and instead focus on praying for the strength to get through my grief and be able to live again. My son died by suicide and was addicted to heroin.
My daughter Emy Gabriela – 4 years 3 months passed away last month. An unexpected event. She had a hole in the heart. The procedure to close that went wrong, her brain bled and she passed away. 1554 days she lived, and those days are the best days ever in my life. She never showed any symptoms of her illness while she was alive. Such a beauty, she sings all prayer songs, she joins family prayer every day and prayed.. She loved Jesus and he loved her back, so he called her home.. We believe she is with Jesus, sitting on his lap with small white wings.
For all the parents who lost your kid….
Read the Holy Bible, you shall get answers for all your questions. I did..
I am thrilled you have found healing in your faith. I am so sorry you lost your sweet angel. I love this: “1554 days she lived, and those days are the best days ever in my life.”
I would like to share what the Bible says about the death of a loved one. It can bring peace to you all.
Wisdom chapter 3
1 But the souls of the upright are in the hands of God, and no torment can touch them.
2 To the unenlightened, they appeared to die, their departure was regarded as disaster,
3 their leaving us like annihilation; but they are at peace.
4 If, as it seemed to us, they suffered punishment, their hope was rich with immortality;
5 slight was their correction, great will their blessings be. God was putting them to the test and has proved them worthy to be with him;
I am so glad you found peace, love and strength through your faith. Much love.
My 18 year old daughter was killed in a car accident on her way to school 3 years ago. She was amazing, my eldest child and a born leader. Most of all she loves Jesus. She died the day before prom and on her way to take the test to go into the Airforce. I was so proud of her accomplishments. After it all happened I went into auto pilot, numb to everything because I couldn’t figure out why. My surviving children began their struggles as well as my marriage. At this very moment it’s all coming out of me. Emotional and having my own health concerns. I’m constantly crying out to God. Everytime I open the Bible it says fear not or I am with you. I’m so glad I found this page. God is always on time.
I am glad you found us too. And I am honored you shared your daughter and story with us. It is never too late to grieve. And the pain is the building blocks to emotional healing. I am grateful you have your faith.
Monique,
Faith and love are powerful strength builders as you evolve in your grief relationship with your daughter. Much love and peace.
Where was God when my child died?
He was right there making sure he was killed .
God wanted him dead and he’s dead .
Real simple . Why can’t people get it . God kills everybody sooner or latter .
Now your grief . Don’t worry about that it does not concern God any or much . Why? Cause you got it . By product of killing your kid . He knows that . But in the big plan … It’s just the cost of business to run the universe .
Duncan- Tell me about your son. What was his name? (I lost my son, Charles)
You are talking a lot of bull to be honest with you just because you don’t know god or have faith in god others do you are so angry at god and I really really hope god forgives you we believe one day Will all die and be reunited with our love ones one day it’s your choice that you do not I feel so so sorry for you by the way how do you know god was not with him your son ???? I know god was with my only daughter when she died and god is with me now in my grief god is helping me through my pain my daughter died in a car accident less than a week ago and left two small chrilden orphans but in my heart of heart god remains with us all in our pain and grief and god is with us all remember god lost his only son too? And yes I’m angry at god for taking my only daughter but I don’t know why only god knows the answers to that one
Oh Leslie I’m so sorry you lost your daughter. And so recently. I know it’s really raw right now. As far as Duncan, he is on his own journey and we just need to meet him where he is which was, when he posted his comment, a place of anger. Everyone arrives at where they need to be at any given time.
Your faith will carry you through this. You know that. Thank you for commenting and sharing your grief with me. With us. And thank you for being vulnerable and honest about your own anger because it is part of the grief process. So many emotions.
I’m sorry I’m 24 yrs old and am a child of god I accepted Jesus back in 2018…Jesus will heal me of autism in sure of that and believe too in him…im sorry for your loss god bless and stay strong you are not alone god loves me and you unconditionaly I will see my grandpa too in heaven much love
I feel this:/
Thank you for commenting Amy. I feel it especially now.
Duncan, I felt that way too after my son died. I was ready to die myself and take God on. Five years after my son’s death, I have leaned that my relationship with him continues through grief. It’s something I have to be with and feel…anger is part of that. I know the pain will let up so I can enjoy the limited time I have left. Peace to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my son in 2018 and my daughte in 2021, to fentanyl overdose. They were both 37 years old when they died. My kids meant something in this world, or god wouldn’t have put them here. As much as you love your son, god loved him and loves you. The only way I keep going is knowing god will carry me through this and one day I will be with my kids again. I understand the anger, all the feelings. Again I’m sorry.
Carla. I am so sorry. And I am glad your faith has helped you.
My son died of blood clot at the age of 29.
20th august 2021 wiill make one year since he left.Im a christian and i have read all verses about death and grief.I pray evening and at 3am everyday.
my son was so generous and brillant , he touched many lives by sharing all he had.sometimes he would give away all his clothes to the needy and remains with one shirt and one trouser .He had completed degrees in Mechanical Engineering and Automation
He was also a graduate of Architecture.His love and Wisdom was un immaginable with fruends all over the world
He lived cooking.He passed on after preparing his breakfast.I was not at home .My hisband,my son and my daughter had just left home.
my son was a good christian.He had mastered the bibble and he admired Enock.Up to date im speechless.I have alot of questions and regrets.
my faith is very weak.
what can i do heal?
Oh Betty. What a shocking way to lose your son at the age of 29. My oldest son is 29. I know and can hear that you are heartbroken.
What a thoughtful and amazing kid he was. Thank you for telling me more about him.
Charlotte wrote how she used her faith https://annemoss.com/2018/12/15/a-gift-of-grace-faith-has-been-my-coping-strategy-after-my-daughters-suicide/
For me, I had to use my faith to ask for the strength to see myself through the nightmare of losing my son. I lost my child to suicide.
So this is how I used my faith to find my way through grief. https://annemoss.com/2016/08/18/from-where-i-do-i-draw-my-strength/
Have you thought about a grief group that is Christian-based? I don’t know if there is a national one but I know we have one locally and most areas also have one. So those are some thoughts. If you reply, I will answer. I’m so sorry.
Betty, thank you for sharing your son with us. What a loving and kind soul! My son Logan died more than five years ago. I have to share this from my niece and it may help you, “It’ll never feel right that he’s not walking the same planet as you are. He gives you space to feel that, and grow and change… still while being right beside you all along. We aren’t always able to see it but it’s none the less true.” I believe your relationship with your son continues… through grief , and grief is love. God bless.
I love that Tamara.
My husband and I lost two children in 11 months. Our son Jordan passed away at 5 months old after a courageous battle with a congenital heart condition and then we got pregnant with our “rainbow Baby” our daughter Mila was born at 36 weeks stillborn. 11 months after we lost our son we lost our daughter.
Oh Kim, that is so devastating. So very close together, too. How are you holding up? Do you have support? I know how isolating that grief is. You don’t deserve all this pain. Do you want to tell me more?
I am deeply sorry for your losses
I sadly lost my son
I am sorry you are in this club, too. Tell me about your son, Alison.
Kim I am so sorry, I’m sorry you have to go through this pain… My baby boy Nicolas was also stillborn in May 15, and there is no words for that moment. If someday you want to talk with someone who can understand a little bit what are you holding in your heart I will happily be there for you, because I know some days we just need it.
Ali- That’s so thoughtful. My heart hurts for you. Your baby didn’t even get a chance to meet you properly.
My son died alone in Texas. He didn’t tell us how bad he was. He didn’t want me to worry. He told me he was fainting. I begged him to go get checked. I live in Pennsylvania. He was 44. I prayed for him every day, multiple times a day. He was first on my prayer wall. God didn’t answer any of my prayers for him. I don’t understand. I was thinking… self will, I’m not good enough, God warned him, he didn’t listen, etc. Yes, I’m upset and confused. I love Jesus. I serve Him. My son loved Jesus. Why did he have to die? We were so close. We talked every day. I felt like giving up. But, I can’t do that. I do feel that sometimes going down a dark hole. But I choose life. It’s a struggle. I just want to be with him and hold him. My heart hurts so much. I just keep asking God to show me a purpose for his death. Why?
Oh Beverly, thank you so much for commenting and opening your heart. Losing a child does hurt. I lost my son, Charles, to suicide. What happened to your son? I’m so sorry. I can only tell you what helped me. I prayed for the strength to get me through the nightmare of losing my son. Maybe this will help? https://annemoss.com/2016/08/18/from-where-i-do-i-draw-my-strength/
I also have a free ebook. While nothing numbs it, or makes it go away, it does help to know that the intense episodes don’t last forever. The pain eventually does soften. https://annemoss.com/coping-strategies-for-grief-loss
I hope that helps. I do understand your pain.
A loving God, that sent his Son to die for our sons. Not everyone is raise in a church setting. My Son died from a drug overdose. He was not saved or baptized.his wife cheated on him left him for another man he was very devastated and hurt very depressed turned to drugs. If our God is such loving forgiving God why is my son in HELL
I do t believe he is Jill. Your son was deeply empathetic and died from a disease. God doesn’t punish people who are sick. I know it hurts and sometimes anger is part of the grief process. But use your faith to give you the strength to endure this heartache. I lost my son to suicide. He was also addicted. But he was not a sinner. He was sick. I am sorry we are in this club. It’s not an easy place to be.
Hi Anne,
Just to clarify. Everyone is a sinner. Even Christians. From the day we are born till the day we die, we will always be sinners. Accepting Jesus as Lord and Saviour and trying our hardest not to sin, becomes our mission in life. Everything in life is a choice. That’s where our free will kicks in. We decide to choose between right and wrong. That’s all I wanted to say on that topic. I’m on this page because I lost my son 3 weeks ago.
True. We are all sinners. But Stephan. Three weeks ago. I remember that point in Grief and I don’t remember it. It was like I was walking through life in another body. Or I wished I was. I am so sorry. During covid too. Can you tell me something about your son? Tell me who he was.
You’re son is in the perfect presence of Christ.
I made a comment the other day and it hasn’t been posted.
It was posted Cindy. It is on another blog post. I found it. It’s here: https://annemoss.com/2018/12/15/a-gift-of-grace-faith-has-been-my-coping-strategy-after-my-daughters-suicide/#comment-26720
Let me know how you are doing today. We parents need to support each other after such a devastating loss.
I lost my 6-year-old daughter (my only child) on 28 February 2019. Losing her shook my faith and my world. She was born with an inoperable heart condition; she was diagnosed when she was only 2 days old.
She was born one month before my due date; on my birthday may I add. I feel like God knew what was to come and we were going to need all the little joys to make her journey on earth so special.
Doctors told me she had one month to live if we were lucky as she was dependent on a duct that would eventually close.
My faith took such a huge knock. Having to wake at up night to check if your baby was still breathing was so horrible.
Everyone kept telling me that God let this happen for a reason. That made me so much angrier, why would God let this happen, am I a bad person.
One day someone gave me a word (a random woman), it was the words I needed to hear because frankly I gave up on God. She told me we serve a loving God; He does not cause bad things to happen. I needed to hear that so much.
I started trusting in God again and praying, not asking God to heal her, but that I was not emotionally strong enough to lose her. I had just finished university, I turned 22 the day she was born.
I woke up one day feeling like the weight of the world was off my shoulder and could finally breathe again. I just felt like she was not going anywhere. I somehow knew it was God. The duct closed and she was still alive. They did another scan and saw that her body grew 2 extra arteries that is not part of the human anatomy.
There were so many things wrong with her heart, but those arteries gave her more time.
Her dad and I ended up breaking up when she was 4 year’s old, I became a single mom (even though I always felt that way, hence us breaking up). My and her relationship grew even more, I was no longer in a bitter relationship.
I had the best 6 years and 11 months with her!!! She will always be my best experience in this world.
Her extended time came with its own challenges though. It was hard living knowing that her time was limited. She got tired quickly, could not walk properly and she could not play in the park like the rest of the kids, but not once did she ever ask me, mommy why can I not. She knew she needed to rest more often. She looked blue most of time because of her lack of oxygen and became short of breath very quickly. Just her bathing made her tired, even though she loved it. Winter was the worst, she had to sit all the time, thank goodness for YouTube and her toys. The air cold did not do well with her lack of oxygen.
Despite all her challenges, she had the biggest smile on her face. She absolutely loved life, every minute of it. She taught me love in a way I never knew existed. She taught me self-love and strength.
When we prayed at night, she never asked God for anything. She told God thank you for her life that was so happy. When I prayed, I thanked God for her strength and my strength. I knew prayer was not always answered the way you want it to be answered. Faith and hope was the only thing that was going to get us through this journey and also having a positive outlook to life.
I asked her one day if she was happy with her and she told me with great excitement “I have the best life ever because I have the best mommy ever!!”
On the 2 December 2018, at that point in my life. I was so content and happy. I was the happiest I ever was in my life. Then with without warning my daughter was rushed to the hospital, we found out that her heart was starting to fail. She lived for another 3 months; it was a nightmare of 3 months. To see her body, deteriorate and watch her experience more pain. Despite all of this, she continued to smile. One day in those 3 months I asked if she were okay that she could not walk anymore, with the biggest smile she showed a thumbs up and told me that she was happy.
I had no idea what lies ahead, but I was not going to mourn a child that was very much still alive. I put those feelings in box because I needed her to feel joy and loved right now. I asked God for strength for whatever our path may be because His strength was the only thing that could get us through this. God is always the light even when you all you see is darkness. Trust me I only saw darkness so many times.
Losing her broke me so much, she was purpose. I breathed and lived for her. Even though I knew my time was limited due to her heart condition. Nothing can prepare you for the extreme pain that comes with death. At times I feel like I am in my own personal hell. My home once filled with her smiles was so empty and lonely. I wanted to die and be where she was, all I wanted was her.
if I can do this all over again, I would. If it means loving her again, she is worth the pain. Despite the roller coaster of this emotionally journey of grief. I am forever thankful to God that I was fortunate to contribute to her love and happiness on this earth. I am blessed to be her mother.
Most of all she was blessed to have me as a mother, I had the capacity (thanks to her) to love her in a way that needed to feel loved.
Good can come from bad/loss. She was my good and I want to share her goodness with the world even if it is for one moment or one day to one person. It is one better in this world.
I had my first Christmas without her, I was going to lock myself up in my room as I was definitely not feeling the joyful spirit and watching everyone enjoy their kids where had an empty seat seemed more like torture.
Then my brother told me, do not you just want to try for her, instead of giving up immediately? Especially seeing that it was one of her favourite days. I was thinking easy coming from someone that have all his 3 kids.
Eventually I thought about and took his advice. I decided to have friends and family involved. That do Christmas lunch and gifts to a children home. I could not put a smile on my daughter’s face, but there are so many other kids in need of just one smile even if it is for one day.
Everyone was so keen as I was doing this in memory of my daughter. Some people even told me they really wanted to do something like this, but just needed a platform which I created.
To the smiles on the children’s faces. I felt my daughter’s smile and presence.
Obviously, the pain never goes away, those smiles it was great. It was good, it was her goodness. She is the reason I did this. I redirected my pain into something good. Pain doesn’t just have to be pain.
I continue to try and do better, even though on some days being alive feels more like a punishment, the guilt that I am alive, and she is not or when I actually feel happiness. It is okay to break down and cry or whatever, we need to feel what we need to feel. It is okay to not to feel okay. Just remember God continues to be your pillar of strength even on the hard days when you cannot feel more distant or more broken.
I am still crying as I read this. It’s one of the most beautiful testaments to a mother’s love I have ever read. I am so honored you shared your soul and your beautiful daughter with us. Our lives are richer for having our children in in. And you found the key I did. Not to pray for an outcome but to pay for strength to see ourselves through it. I would love to share this with a group to whom I am speaking in September. A group of parents who have lost a child. Thank you.
Hi Anne, Thank you so much, your message really means a lot.
It would be a great honour if you shared her (my) story.
My daughter’s name is Leona.
Tarryn,
God bless your heart. I know the pain you have felt, the sorrow you have experienced. Your daughter is a beautiful person, her feelings show in the way you describe them. She is still alive in memories and presence with her character that will not be forgotten.
I am missing my 10 year old son who got hit by a car as he rode his bike, it caused him brain dead. I never heard about it before this happened to Victor. He is my first born, his sister will be 3 on December 12. Victor was healthy and athletic, with a kind humanitarian spirit, he played the piano and was getting ready to play baseball (My husband is Caucasian and I am Venezuelan so he said he wanted to be like José Altuve since he was half Venezuelan). He was the center of our home due to his maturity, he was obediente, cautious and righteous and he was almost at the other side of the residential street when the Jeep came and hit him. That is why it hurts even more. We know how careful he was, he was crossing on the right place and it was not a highway or avenue yet now we see a ghost bike right on the corner at the end of our street. We did not celebrate Thanksgiving Day in the typical way. We gathered at the site of the event, pray, brought some items and abc13 covered as neighbors and us wait for justice for Victor Stanley. The whole event of September 1st, 2020 plus the fact of the loss has been devastating. Some people say God took him because he was special, others say it was the devil because he wants to cause destruction and is our attacking. I want to believe that although I cry ever since we can see some light slowly. We donated 5 organs. His heart beats in a 5 year old girl, and we received the first letter from another recipient. It is hard to remember what we went through at the hospital, seeing him there as if he was sleeping yet he did not survive, we did not see the miracle we prayed for. Other people have said that none of this was God’s plan, but also we wonder how come that the circumstances although forever terrible for us and justice needed on earth, are so perfectly matched. All his organs were super healthy, he was different said always people and we knew it, he was God’s oriented and mature for his age.
I suffer deeply and can’t believe when Facebook gives me a reminder of a photo with him, it shakes me every time because it wakes me up like and I can’t believe he is gone.
I will continue praying and trusting that we suffer today, but we will survive, and keep their legacy.
With love,
Luisa.
I’d also loss my son last March 1,2021 due to pneumonia.He supposed to celebrate his first birthday last March 8,2021 but he didn’t make it..He also had a congenital heart disease a complicated case with complete AVSD dextrocardia and situs inversus. He didn’t undergo any surgery due to covid period and complicated case that might harm him according to his cardio. Until such time that he always had recurrent cough that leads to pneumonia.He didn’t survive.. His loss made myself to lost weight and was not able to eat well. Some others says let him go for he is already with God. I didn’t know how to accept and face another day of my life. I still have 3 kids. I don’t know what is the positive side of his death that others referring me to overcome this grief. I can’t be as joyful as before.
Oh Amela his first birthday. How heartbreaking. He didn’t even get a chance at life. I know your heart is crushed. Do not let anyone shame you out of your grief. This HURTS. It’s AGONY. And the fact that you have three others and trying to balance real life with your grieving one is THE MOST challenging part of all of this. And not one person can understand or say otherwise. For a while, you might only show up and that has to be enough right now.
You can only face the day one day at a time by staying in the present. The only way I could manage from one moment to the next was to tell myself I would survive. You can enjoy your children and your life again and right now you may only feel “obligated” to live and that is OK. If you are feeling suicidal, however, please tell someone you trust. If you need helping choosing the right person, I will help. Contact me for help: https://annemoss.com/contact-2/
Compassionate Friends also has grief chapters all over the US. A group saved me. It helped to be with others who were hearing that our child “was in a better place” when the only right place is beside me until I die. https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/chapters/chapter-locator/
My friend Charlotte was able to use her faith to find healing. And here’s how she did that: https://annemoss.com/2018/12/15/a-gift-of-grace-faith-has-been-my-coping-strategy-after-my-daughters-suicide/
Karla Helbert writes here a lot. She lost her son Theo to a brain tumor at 9 months. https://annemoss.com/author/karla/
Thank you so much for posting. Our tribe understands your pain.
Wow thank you so much for your story i feel like we are 1 person though my daughter was my 2nd born,Hie Tarryn I lost my 4 year old daughter from Leukemia cancer November 2020 and im so broken and my daughter was a happy baby , strong and full of life and i had the best 4 years of my life with her. I pray to God to give me strength just like you ♥️
I am reading your stories trying to find peace. My husband and I lost our newborn baby April 7, 2020. She was perfectly healthy born a day before her due date. She passed away during the birth process. I myself had an hard recovery from an emergency c-section. Doctors thought I had Everything wrong from internal bleeding to a pulmonary embolism in my heart in lungs, but God turned every report negative and I survived when I shouldn’t have. I am trying to be thankful for my life, but I often wonder why God didn’t save my baby also. He is King of King’s. He can do anything. The wind and the waves obey him! He could have kept her here! What made him chose life for me and not my innocent healthy baby? Lately I have been existing. We have 4 (Ages 13, 12, 3 and 2) other children. I am existing just for them. I know God saved my life because it would be hard for them growing up without their mom, but it’s also hard for me without my baby. I’m praying God has better plans in this loss than pain. I can’t understand if God took my baby or if the enemy took her or if It was my fault. Just so many thoughts.
Amber my heart hurts reading your story. There are times I need a good cry and this was one of them. Your precious baby. There are a lot of people who live after loss of a child because they feel obligated to live. I lost my son to suicide. But however we lose a child, it just hurts. So much. I didn’t think I could live through it. But as bad as it was at first, I realized it would never hurt as much as it did when I got the news. That part was over. It’s what got me from one moment to the next. And I prayed for years for my son to be free of mental illness and addiction. Ultimately after his death, I just had to pray for strength to get me through grief and learn how to walk beside it.
I’ll just share these three stories with you.
Grief Writes me a Love Letter- https://annemoss.com/2017/03/18/grief-writes-love-letter/
From Where do I draw my strength? https://annemoss.com/2016/08/18/from-where-i-do-i-draw-my-strength/
A Gift of Grace. Faith helped me heal after my daughter’s suicide
Thank you for your sincere response and thank you for sharing these stories. I will be reading them this morning. You are right it will probably never hurt as much as hearing the news. I remember when the doctor said before my c section that my baby was not alive and before I was put to sleep I declared 3 times “Lord your report is the final report.. not the doctors report” I knew I served such a great God that what she was saying was nonsense! How dare her say my baby was not alive! Does she not know the God I serve! Next thing I know after thinking those thoughts I was waking up and reality hit… she was really gone. It’s such a long story, but I thank you for your advice and sharing your story with myself and others to help with our healing process. Please pray for me and my family as I struggle praying for myself during these times.
Hello Amber,
I related a lot to the struggle you have praying for yourself.
I also could not believe that the God I believe in did not do the miracle. I went online and search for people who had survived brain dead, but letter found out that those cases where maybe misdiagnosed or the test had not been completed at the time they woke up.
I know it is not a pink color path we are walking. I feel on the floor everyday. How am I going to find balance to continue living for my almost 3 year old daughter, I don’t know exactly but I do know that I am taking the steps towards what could be of help: Weekly therapy, they prescribed medication that I refuse to take but I bought organic calming drops at Whole Foods (Anxiety soother, Valerian root), and will continue to watch how I feel. The pain will be there forever, but maybe I will feel a bit calmer.
Victor was 10 and healthy. He was riding the bike as he always did, on the same path, same place. A car hit him on September 1st, 2020. That was the start of our life lasting change. We will not be the same ever. I was EXTREMELY CLOSE to him, I felt that we could communicate just by looking at each other eyes, his hazel eyes:( I miss him and cry like a little child for him everyday, deeply and with my soul. I wish I could have trade places to give him life. He was handsome and genius.
We should pray for each other at least once. I promise I will pray for you tonight. Please do the same when you see this message.
Hugs going your way for strength.
Amber, I am so sorry. My husband will respond as well because he has experienced more loss than anyone I know… and he is a Baptist pastor and continues to have a very strong faith. I felt the same way as you… God ran short on miracles when it came to my son… but I have learned God doesn’t work they way we think. God is there within you to keep you going … even when you don’t want to. God is there to keep the love flowing through you… even though your heart is full of rage. God is there to bring something good from your grief journey. My child did not die for a reason… and I believe neither did yours. Death can take us at anytime and it doesn’t discriminate. God does not stop death or horrible things from happening… he is there to help you get through it…one breath at a time. There is nothing easy about it.
The miracle is moving with the grief and the pain… so your child’s love flows through you. Along the way… peace comes in between the tears.
Wow, your story is very similar to mine and it literally just made me feel like I was punched in the gut reading it. October 10th, 2019 I had to have my first C-section, an emergency c-section, with my 6th child at 34 weeks pregnant because his heart rate had dropped to 60 in the womb and they couldn’t get it back up. He was out in less than 5 mins and he was absolutely perfect. He weighed 5Ibs 3ounces. We named him Levi Edmund-Knox Rooker.
He had to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks just to get his lungs a little more developed and as soon as he went on room air, we where discharged to go home with his 4 brothers and 1 sister waiting so excitedly to meet him. Life was absolutely perfect and I was so thankful to God that my life was spared along with his during such a tramatic event. We got through the holidays and on January 3 2020, Levi woke with a low grade fever that morning. His 3 year old brother and 2 year old sister had a cold and I had done everything in my power to keep them separated.
After going throughout the entire day, treating the fever with Tylenol, he started to make a wheezing sound. At that point, I could not fall asleep. I set right next to him and watched him breathe and his breathing became more and more labored, that’s when I called 911. When the ambulance arrived, his oxygen was down to 68, but his heart rate was also very low. They immediately transported him to Children’s hospital and starting running every test imaginable. The results where a positive RSV and a positive pneumonia, which I was flabbergasted because he did not show any signs of sickness whatever until that day. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing, but even still I had faith in God that he would heal my son. They immediately had to put Levi on a ventilator, paralyze him with ketamine, and sedate him with fentanyl. If I would have known when they took him from my arms that it was going to be the last time I got to hold him, I would have never let him go. Over the next few days, he was getting worse and worse and the doctors where baffled.
They actually had me go home and bring them his medical records from birth back up to them to see if anything was missed. By this time, it was all over Facebook and every single person in our community was praying for our little man, which gave me an unbelievable amount of confidence that everything was going to be ok. I didn’t care what the doctors said, I believed and trusted in God. They ended up having to do a blood transfusion on day 6 and everything went down hill from there. The antibiotics where not working, the pneumonia had gotten worse, he had developed a blood clot in the pic line going into his neck and even with all that, my faith was not waivering. My husband was fasting and praying constantly in the waiting room floor. He believed that miracle was coming also. Then on the morning of January 14, the doctor came in to the waiting room, where they had me and my entire family waiting because they where trying to change out the pic line because of the blood clot blocking it, and he looked us dead in the eyes and said, “I absolutely hate to tell you this, but I don’t think your son is going to make it through the next few hours, we can’t get the new line in and his heart is starting to fail”. At that moment, everything went white, I couldn’t hear anything, and I began to wail with agony while screaming to God to save him now.
That this was God’s chance to show everyone what a miracle worker he truly is. They let us back to the room immediately and as I stood next to his bed, I watched his heart rate continue to plummet. My heart was sinking right along with him and my husband was having a full on anxiety attack. I have never seen this man that I have been with for 22 years in more chaos and fear in my life. I pleaded with them to give me my son and let him pass in my arms and they finally agreed. I buckled to my knees as they where picking him up to hand him to me and was screaming, “now God, save him now please”. My sister’s picked me up and sat me in the chair as they handed me my precious baby boy and immediately I pulled him into my neck, kissed him, smelled him, told him how much I loved him and what he meant to me and our family. I just rocked back and forth squeezing him like I had never held anything so tight in my life. Within a 2 mins of him being placed in my arms, his heart stopped.
I can tell you, at that moment, I was absolutely enraged, filled with anger like I have never felt and even though it has been 5 months since he passed, I am still angry. I have a hard time praying now. I stand in church and not even acknowledge worship because I have a hard time believing the words they are singing. Every thing in my life that I had believed to be true, was shattered that day. I know bad things happen, but I can’t understand why God didn’t save my son. Where was God in that moment when thousands where praying for my baby boy? I’m really struggling myself and I have no idea how to move forward from here. So I want you to know that I completely understand what you are feeling and it’s a pain that no one should ever have to go through on this Earth. I’m so very sorry. I know your heart is aching and longing for your baby. I wish I could just hug you and hold you. I mean that. Love to you.
Such an outpouring of your soul. Thank you for commenting. I am sorry your lost your baby. What a horrible moment it was for you and your family when you expected something quite different.
Samantha,
I am so sorry about the death of Levi. As i read your story it took me back to when my daughter Kaitlin died. She had special needs that were not diagnosed. She spent 3 months in the hospital and was being followed by different specialists. About a week before she died her pediatrician remarked of how well she was doing. We aren’t sure the cause of her death but we think it began with RSV. Her body was really weak and she went fast. I had people say you cant be mad at God or you shouldn’t be. I wanted to ask how many of your children have died. Job was pissed at God. There are some angry Psalms by David. God can handle our anger.
It is ok to not feel like worshipping. I do want to tell you however God loves you. Even if you cant feel it right now. God loves you. He is with you and will give you strength.
I remember telling a spiritual director (someone i meet with to talk about how God is working in my life) that i didn’t feel like praying. He responded thats ok. Other people are praying for you now.
Grief is a journey and it sucks but God is right there with you.
God bless you and your family
Hello Amber,
I related a lot to the struggle you have praying for yourself.
I also could not believe that the God I believe in did not do the miracle. I went online and search for people who had survived brain dead, but letter found out that those cases where maybe misdiagnosed or the test had not been completed at the time they woke up.
I know it is not a pink color path we are walking. I feel on the floor everyday. How am I going to find balance to continue living for my almost 3 year old daughter, I don’t know exactly but I do know that I am taking the steps towards what could be of help: Weekly therapy, they prescribed medication that I refuse to take but I bought organic calming drops at Whole Foods (Anxiety soother, Valerian root), and will continue to watch how I feel. The pain will be there forever, but maybe I will feel a bit calmer.
Victor was 10 and healthy. He was riding the bike as he always did, on the same path, same place. A car hit him on September 1st, 2020. That was the start of our life lasting change. We will not be the same ever. I was EXTREMELY CLOSE to him, I felt that we could communicate just by looking at each other eyes, his hazel eyes:( I miss him and cry like a little child for him everyday, deeply and with my soul. I wish I could have trade places to give him life. He was handsome and genius.
We should pray for each other at least once. I promise I will pray for you tonight. Please do the same when you see this message.
Hugs going your way for strength.
Samantha,
I could FEEL your story and I am so very sorry that Levi is not with you. It has been more than four years since my son has died. I view miracles very differently. God seemed absent when Logan died. I prayed desperately for a miracle. None to be had. I don’t believe miracles work the way I was taught in Sunday School… kind of like believing in Santa. I do believe in love and the serenity it has to work through me… and through you.
Amber,
I am so sorry about the death of your daughter. There are some things that happen in life that do not make sense and the pain is beyond comprehension. I have experienced the death of 2 children. Kaitlin was born with special undiagnosed needs. She spent her first 3 months in the hospital and only lived 13 months. At the time of her death my sons were 3 and 4. Years later my oldest son, Matthew, died by suicide. There is so much i don’t understand. But i do believe God is with us in our pain. I believe this also grieves the heart of God. I believe something good can come from this. Im not saying God caused these deaths but God can work good through them.
I dont know if that makes sense. I am praying for you and your family.
I believe some if what is said here, but none of you will ever know my pain. Under a family member’s care, Amanda had a hard life, probably sexually abused, mentally abused, physically abused, I never talk about it,
I tried my best to give her a normal life, Catholic Schools, Counseling, etc. But it wasn’t enough, I got the call that she was dead, at the age of 22, such a sweet girl, who would take in homeless cats.
Where was my GOD that day?
Lisa- I’m going to let Tamara and/or Lloyd comment here. But I want you to know that initial raw grief is devastating. Your sweet girl Amanda. How you speak of her shows me how much love you gave. I lost my son at 20 to suicide. I do understand.
My son 7 years old died on 15.3.2020 due to sudden accidental drowning. I was devastated because everything happened silently and quickly. My hubby and I prayed hard to God and on our knees. When he passed away, half of our world was gone. I know what you’re going through, I thought of suicide too, but i have another younger child to take care. Yes i could not feel God’s presence and i could not understand his plans. But i still pray hoping that my boy is in heaven with him because that is the safest place for him.
Tamara will likely answer. She lost her son Logan. I lost my son Charles.
I am so sorry that you lost your precious son in such a horrific accident. Many parents who’ve lost a child struggle with thoughts of suicide. And most of them say they lived because they felt obligated to live. But that worked for many. Thank you for commenting and I am sorry you are going through this.
Pei,
I am so sorry about the death of your son. The pain is devastating. I understand your feelings of not wanting to go on with life.
God is with you and will give you strength. Sometimes it is simply the strength to keep going.
The loss of a child is out of the natural order and when it happens so suddenly that only adds to the shock.
I am praying for you and your family.
God bless you
I lost my only son on march 1 2020..eric james was our only child..heartbroken and lost is my current feeling. Eric was never a sickly child and there’s only complaining of a headache and neck pain . The doctors said it was probably the flu. Sadly Hospital notify us it was AML leukemia 12 days after his diagnosis. He passed away. Even at the age of twenty-two Eric James shared his faith with many and touched a lot of lives according to his friends and the stories we’ve been hearing my heart is broken but I know he’s with our Lord and savior I just want to be with him again. I just want the pain to stop.
This is so shocking and heartbreaking. Donna I am so sorry. Many of us here on this site have lost a child. We are here to listen.
My son Gates died this week after being on Lifesupport for 24 days and having a condition called HLH…He was 14 and severely Autistic and was my reason for living….I had to make the decision to take him of Life support and I am Heartbroken and in the darkest place I could ever imagine anyone going through….he was never seriously ill prior to April 24 2020 and this condition attacked and destroyed his organs in 3 weeks ….maybe I didn’t deserve beautiful child and that is why God let him pass ….maybe I wasn’t a good enough mother , even tho I tried my very best…. I am so hurt and just can’t imagine Life without him
Oh Angelina. I’m so very sorry. That is devastating and heartbreaking. I want you to know you made the right decision. As hard as it was, leaving him there as a shell of a human being is not the way he would have wanted to live.
I lost my son to suicide and at first I felt as if I was being punished. So I prayed for the strength to see my way forward. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but the pain you are feeling is what is healing you. And I know how dark and painful that place is. I feel it in your words and I’ve been there, too. It hurts so so much you feel you can’t survive. You don’t know how you’ll do it. What I told myself was that as bad as it was right then, it would never be as bad as it was when I got the news. That part is over and as much as it still hurts, it will never be that bad again. I will say a prayer for your son, Gates today.
You say you are in a dark place and I have to ask if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide. If you are, do know that is actually normal for those who’ve lost a child but that doesn’t mean it’s not life-threatening because it is. Let me know if that’s the case, so I can help you save your own life.
I am so grateful to have found this site. I lost my son to cancer he fought hard lost his leg but continued to be kind to everyone even his girlfriend who left him because of the cancer. I also thought God was punishing me for my divorce from my sons father . My pastor kept saying things like if you pray & have faith God will heal but it never happened i am so confused. i believe in God but my faith is shaken
For a lot of us, our faith is shaken. I think pastors need to go into more detail when it comes to how to “pray and have faith.” Because to a lot of us, we want to pray our way into a solution or a reason. Once I prayed for the strength to see myself through the nightmare of loss, I felt the strength of moving forward. I’m so sorry your son had such a struggle. Losing a limb and then the girlfriend walking out had to be hard for you to watch while your son was fighting for his life. Thank you for posting. Because others read these comments and feel less alone. Your story is important. I’m sure Lloyd and/or Tamara, the authors, will also comment here but from one mom to another, we understand the pain.
Dear Donna, I am so sorry. I’m sorry. I know your pain. I lost my son in September 2018. He died on my arms unexpected. I know your pain so much. You are not alone. You just started your journey of grief. It will be hard, very hard, incredibly hard but you will see things you never seen and felt before. That change you and your life forever.
Agnieszka- I’m so sorry. I lost my son to suicide. It is so intense at first. You are right about that. We do learn to live with the grief. And it does soften.
Hello Anne,
September 7th was the last time I saw my song after being left brain dead by a car running him over on September 1st, 2020 while he rode his bike on our street. Victor was 10. He was our first child, he was amazing, beautiful from inside out, he had a precious character and heart and was humble although he was brilliant.
I have cried everyday ever since the car him hit. It hurts me when the moment of the diagnosis comes to my mind, it hurts me when I remember that last time we talked few minutes before it happened (We said I love you and I can’t forget his shinny hazel eyes) not seeing him kills me, but when the specific memories come it breaks me more. For instance, seeing fotos of him or of he and I together is a HUGE shock in my heart and my mind, it feels as if someone shakes me or scared me from behind as if it is not real that he is not here 🙁
Facebook memories scare me sometimes when I see him, my heart races because it feels so strange, surreal, and I cry.
Will I one day see his pictures and don’t feel so sad?
How/what did you do when the images of his face came to your mind?
I cry when I listen his favorite cartoons or shows that our almost 3 year old daughter watches. If I hear the sound of a piano I miss him more. He is not here to play it any more.
The mornings are hard. I wake up again to knowing that he is not around us. His bedroom stays closed. My husband is the only one who goes there alone to cry, and his ashes are there. The day before it happened Victor and I went shopping for shoes. He didn’t get to wear except for a pair I believe. I hardly went shopping for things for me before and that day I felt the deep feeling to enjoy shopping for both of us as I never felt in years.
The day it happened I was at the dinning room table waiting for him to do his bike lap watching through the window, went to check to the front and felt desperate, I felt as if something bad was happening but I couldn’t say what it was. I told my mother the way I felt and walked from one side to the other and then heard the ambulances. I told my mother: Mami what happens to my son and she calmly said, what’s wrong? I said: It is the ambulance and my mother said that they are always around and I said: But I never heard them this close. My husband was arriving and then he went out to find out the worse nightmare. Now I feel that I should have gotten in the car and gone to check quickly and maybe I was going to be able to shout to the driver to watch out for the child 🙁 it is so so hard.
Hugs to you and every mother who has loss a child. It just doesn’t feel right.
Thank you.
I just lost my son February 18 th 2020 just last month. He was 44 living with me he has 4 kids. He got the flu Sunday night , he died Tuesday. I didn’t call an ambulance in time I was busy . I hate myself
Who would have thought a 44 year old man would die from the flu? That’s so rare. It’s still so new and so raw. And you will beat yourself up for a bit before you let go of that. Self blame is part of the process of grieving a child. Guilt for not having known or protecting them. You are welcome to talk about him as much as you want here, to feel hurt and pain and his love. You are welcome to tell me more about him.
Donna I lost my son on 8/30/2020 he was 21, he had battled and beat Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was complaining of a headache and neck pain. He was in a small fender bender the week of. We thought it was whiplash, he fainted and I took him to the ER. We found out he had cancer the next morning he was gone. I am having the hardest worst time. It was AML that took him like a thief in the night. I just want to know why?
What a shock, Celeste. First, I’m really sorry about your son and do let me know what his name was. That “why?’ question takes a while to work through. And I hope you will. I’ll let Lloyd know you’ve posted so he can share some of his wisdom.
Donna,
How sad! I feel extremely broken to hear about your son. My heart knows and feel your pain. Please know that I care and pray for you even when I don’t know you. The sorrow although we wish never happened, connects us in understanding and hope.
His character, although different ages reminds me of my first born Victor, he was 10 and a car hit him while we was on our street riding his bike. Victor was a kind soul. He believed in God firmly, he prayed every night and now we know that he touched many lives before and after departure. He used to welcome the children that others didn’t include in games, he made the new children welcome at the playground, he did not stand people rude words, name calling, he was thoughtful and sensitive. He was brilliant, loved reading every night, played the piano and wanted to help earth, the world, research about interesting subjects and his sense were very developed, his eyesight was impressive to find even the smallest in the grass. I guess I miss him so very much and feel so proud of him 🙁 that I can’t still believe he is not here tonight. It was tragic and sudden. Brain Dead was a difficult thing to understand and process. 5 of his organs were donated. My biggest dream was him, my first born, my inspiration, my little master, smart young man that gave me strength. I was already thinking of his college education. He loved English accent and I thought maybe he would want to study in England and I he was amazed about it. A mother is never prepared for a child dying in any way because all deaths hurt, but we certainly received a extreme unexpected bad news. He was obediente and was not doing any wrong 🙁 innocent boy. It hurts me so bad that it happened in our neighborhood. We were selling the house already but now he wish we could just run since it happened at the end of our street and the driver is also driving the same car.
The children at school have played soccer in his honor, taken bike safety classes, and here in the neighborhood too. A child requested that the spiderweb how the call a game at the school playground be called after Víctor since it was his favorite thing to do at recess, and a brick with his name on the ground. I hope they do it, because I want his name to survive 🙏
Hugs
Receive a hug
I lost my only son on march 1 2020..eric james was our only child..heartbroken and lost is my current feeling. Even at the age of twenty-two Eric James shared his faith with many and touched a lot of lives according to his friends and the stories we’ve been hearing my heart is broken but I know he’s with our Lord and savior I just want to be with him again.
Donna- It’s not uncommon for mothers who’ve lost a child to have thoughts of suicide. It sounds as if you are struggling with this now. Let me know your city, state so I can find you some resources. Please answer me. I am concerned about you. I’m so sorry you lost your son. It’s so recent. I lost my son, Charles, to suicide. It was so unbearable at first. I know you are at that point now.
:Hi Ann, I would never take my own life, although I am not afraid of dying.. My son had told me the week he wasnt feeling good, “Mom its not like Im gonna die..do you really think God would take me out when he promised me Jeremiah 29:11 .He has great plans for me..Its been really difficult for me to remember these things. however, We raised our son with the foundation of God, and I have to believe we are living in the past and he is living in our future..I used to tell my son if anything ever happened to you that I would be right behind you. his reply to me was, mom you cant do that cause you would never see me again..I know we raised a very faithful God loving son, based on the testimonies of his friends alone at his celebration of life..He was a wonderful person that always looked out for those around him..I miss him everyday and cry alot…I look for signs as alot of people do and actually have seen quite of few that brought comfort to me.thank you for this site.
Thank you so much for sharing you son with me. It’s so so hard to lose a child. I explain it but nothing will ever do that kind of catastrophic loss justice. You are a good mom. And always a mom. You know there are a lot of things I am not afraid of any more after losing my son. I think that is the gift they leave us.
Donna,
Once again. My heart is with you. If you ever need to talk please let me know. I am broken and I will cry but maybe we can find some answers. I see this because since I read the other post I felt that Eric had a special spiritual connection just like we feel about Victor Stanley.
The signs: Tonight Victor sent me one. I had been feeling very bad, crying so much since last night and feeling sick. When I decided to take a shower and I went back to the bathroom I saw on my husband’s cap a lizard 🦎 green is my favorite color and Victor knew it! My husband said that it was unusual for the animal to be there, it is strange that it got there, and it never happened before. So yes, I want to believe in signs too.
Victor got hit by the car on September 1st, on the 7th we walked away leaving him for organ donation, on September 19 we had a vigil. Red was his favorite color and he he loved balloons. We dress in red, has ballon and lantern release. The first lantern went close to a tree and then very precisely and strong something pull it towards the tree and then it got out after few seconds. Every one there was amazed, people talked about it and played the video saying that it was like a force that did it. I couldn’t believe it myself. 2 days later a heart shaped balloon got out of the bathroom as I walked in which was difficult since it was being retained by the wall but it went down the hallway by his room.
On September 30th, my mother found a tiny bird by the backyard door and she brought it to me as I was crying in bed. Victor loved birds and dogs.
Few days later it rained (We always played in the rain), I went outside to cry and saw the envelope in the mailbox. It was from Life Gift informing that his organs had been transplanted. I cried and smile at the same time, I never new it was possible but I got to read that his hard was inside a 5 year old female, I wish I meet her.
Well, the symbol of Life Gift I had not realize it, is a bird. I could not believe it!
1 month ago as I cried with my husband and husband said that I had to believe that Victor is around us, I heard the door making a sound when I asked Victor if he was meant to go. 2 days ago, I was crying and in bed all day, I heard his bathroom door open and close carefully. I thigh too it was my husband or my mother. None of them was. I am not scared and I never thought of this type of things. I am not superstitious, but now I look at more details.
Another thing that we have been talking about is, that Víctor maybe prevented some bad things happening to us. Sometimes he will say things like “we MUST go home now”, or “can we go home soon mom?”, or “I don’t like this place we are too far from him”, Victor was very different. We love him and miss the type of human being he was.
I send you understanding and a hug.
Please take care
I lost my 22 year old grandson March 19th. He was my heart. The world turned dark that day and has not changed. I try to stay close to Jesus. My son is literally dying inside. He went thru so much with Nick only to this happen. I know hes considered suicide but he also said then he’s afraid he wont get to see his son again in eternity. Lord give us all strength and grace to get thru this. My condolences to you also.
My son was 20. I am so sorry your family is struggling with this loss. And those who lose a child are at higher risk for suicide. I am glad you LT son is opening up to you. Many times just listening helps prevent suicide. IT sounds very overwhelming. Are you in a support group of any kind right now?
Thank you for your real feelings. I do believe it has changed you to a more compassionate person. I love the fact that you have had so many opportunities to witness to others with loss. Also I love the new lady in your life. She also has grown in her belief of God. I wish you both well in your future together. Love, Linda Roberts
Dylan’s death has proven that God does not exist. How could he? I now ridicule myself for believing such myth.
Julie, I am so sorry about the death of Dylan. It is hard to grasp and understand!
Julie, I am so sorry about Dylan’s death. It is so hard to comprehend.
Julie, I have struggled with this as well.
I was outraged at God for letting my son die. I was outraged that I couldn’t ask God how Logan was doing. What kind of God is that??
When my son died, the pain was unbearable and still is at times… but the grief is always there. It has become a
part of me. That searing pain and grief come from the deep love I have for my son. I love him like no other (still speak of his love in the present). Where did my ability to love like that come from?? I could reason it away with science and how my brain is wired. I believe that love comes from a greater source that binds us all.
There is so much about God I don’t understand. And maybe I don’t need to. I just know love has something to do with it.
Lloyd, I remember with much sadness, the loss of Kaitlin and Matthew. I have seen the hurt in your eyes, and that of your entire family. I have also seen the tremendous faith you have lived while walking this very difficult journey.
The loss of our 33 year old daughter, Sarah, in January of last year, has brought the most pain and the deepest sadness I have ever known. It is a darkness that goes beyond your ability to conceptualize. God’s strength, faithfulness, and promise to be near the broken-hearted, is what has sustained me and my family. It is not an easy walk, but it would be impossible without God!
Judy I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Sarah.
Thanks Judy & I am so sorry about Sarah’s death.
I appreciate this so much. I think that the grief of losing my son has been so isolating and heartbreaking that I couldn’t question God. I needed so much to believe that He is with my son and that He is a connection between us.
Ginger, I was so mad at God and still
have words with him. I think he is ok with that.
Ginger, It is definitely a difficult journey.
I have a really hard time with this whole area.
Thank you for your great post! Looking forward to the time when I truly find meaning in life again!
Gray, I struggle everyday with God. He seems so absent. But is he? I believe
our love for our children is a hint of that deeper love that connects us all.
Gray, It is such a difficult journey. I just read your post about Whitten. He seems like a special guy.
My son died 4/20/19 car accident. I screamed at god. My life has been on struggle and death after another. NEVER MY CHILD until Easter weekend 2019. Worst words a parent can hear. My total perception of religion has changed. Though I was raised Christian And believe my son is with god. I have no clue what to pray for. Praying didn’t protect or save him. I know just am thankful I can see him one day again.
I just do not know how to pray.
Rachel. I am the owner of this site an my child killed himself. Through his years of drug addiction and abuse I prayed it would stop. And after he died I just prayed for the strength to see myself through the grief. So I don’t have answers but I know that helped me. I am sorry you are in this club. It’s so brutal.
I lost my son Ricky, the light and love of my life to brain cancer October 2019. He was a Godly man that brought many to Christ. Had a beautiful family, all Christian precious people. All I can keep asking is WHY GOD???? How can this be your Will? What good can come from this?? He was my only child. I don’t know what to pray for anymore, I feel guilty waking up everyday, a Mama should not have to bury her child !! I’m angry at God!! I just want my Ricky back, we all needed him, the world would have been much better with him in it as he was such an inspiration to so many with his bible teaching and Christian heart. How could God justify my son leaving this world so soon ????
Thank you for letting me vent.
Vicki,
Ricky’s Mama
What I can tell you is that being angry at God is natural. As a co-facilitator for a grief group, many who feel this way reveal it to me or the group but rarely outside it. I want you to know experiencing that emotion is natural. I felt it more before my son’s suicide when he was misusing substances and my son actually wrote a song about his depression called letter to god where he is angry with god for making him they way he was which was depression.
I will share what I think and have learned over the years. I think that god doesn’t “plan” our child’s death or anything else that happens. Praying to god to spare a child is like praying for a pony in my opinion although that’s what I would do every time I am desperate. The day after Charles’ suicide I prayed for strength to get me through it. And then woke up every morning and forced myself to name one thing I was grateful for. This worked for me. Finding what works for you might take something like a support group for parents who’ve lost a child. That worked for me. Because I came to understand that a lot of what I was feeling was shared by the group. Compassionate friends is one and has National chapters.
Thank you for being emotionally naked and expert what most of us who’ve lost a child have felt.
Thank you for replying. Your comment of waking up each day and finding something to be grateful hit home. I am so blessed to still have my 92 year old Mom. She lost a child, 49 years ago, my Son was 49 when we lost him. I gave birth to my only child Ricky, 9 days after my 14 year old brother died. He was born two months early but very healthy. I know that God had his hands all over that because my parents grief turned to loving and helping me take care of our precious Ricky. My Mom understands me because she experienced the devastation of losing a
child. So I will wake up each day being grateful for still having my Mom. My Ricky would not want me to be angry at God. I live to see my Son again in heaven, so I’m doing the best I can to turn back to God instead of turning my back to him. May God give all of us in this group peace, until we see our child/children again🙏
Vicki, Ricky’s Mama
None of your anger is ever held against you. And wow. Two generations of loss in a row. My grandmother lost a child, too. But by the time I lost Charles she was already in heaven.
Can I pour my heart out in writing?
So much to say.Our first son and first daughter went to be with the Lord, April 11 2016,May 28 2021 respectively
Two children within six years!!
Pastor Lloyd pls call me!!
I need to talk to someone.
Let me see what Lloyd can do here.
What an inspiring testimony! Thank you so much.