by Charlotte Moyler
I am appreciative to Anne Moss for asking me to write about my faith before, during and especially after the death of my daughter. I write from my heart and an openness of my soul.
Many who suffer the loss of a child lose their faith. This actually makes a great deal of sense. How was my faith strengthened rather than weakened? Sense has nothing to do with it.
Sometimes in life, events occur that fracture the very foundation on which we stand. Our life, as we have known it, is forever changed and we find ourselves in an unexpected struggle, first just to survive and then to move forward.
The night of my daughter’s death, I was at my church serving as a Stephen Minister. Stephen Ministry is a one-to-one lay caring ministry which provides confidential care to those who are hurting. Maggie was recovering from tonsillectomy surgery one week prior. If I had stayed home that night, would Maggie still be alive? One day I will know all of the answers and it will not matter.
“More than half of suicides in 2015, in a subgroup of 27 states, were among people with no known mental health conditions.” The Center for Disease Control and Prevention
It is difficult to explain my emotions when I returned home to find out that my 17 year old daughter had killed herself. It was (and still remains) a horrific nightmare, full of shock and confusion. But even in the depths of my deep dark despair, I felt the presence of God. “How?”many will ask.
Words are hard to appropriately find, but I had this tiny peace within me. This peace kept me together enough to tell my husband that his precious daughter had died and that her death was by suicide. It enabled me to be driven to the college where I also had to tell my son the devastating news that his sister and only sibling had died by suicide. I relied on God’s strength, not my own. I am an emotionally strong person, but this was bigger and more troubled than I could deal with on my own power.
All during the night, I cried out in fury to the God who had forsaken me
If He were all powerful than how could He allow such evil to happen? I was a faithful follower and had been for years. I served God’s people and studied His word. How could He have let all of this happen? Why did I not know of the internal pain my baby was experiencing? My main job was to keep my children safe. How could I have failed? These thoughts and fears could destroy me if I had let them.
Interwoven with my anger, I was crying out in desperation to Jesus to save me. I believe that God and Jesus are one, but that night I was furious with the God of the Old Testament, yet pleading with Jesus of the New Testament for comfort and healing. They met me in my pain. This is where the totally broken me and the Great Healer collided. This is where God’s glory met my suffering.
Almost immediately after Maggie died, by pure grace, God placed upon me the need to not look inward, but outward and upward. The question WHY is often common with child loss and especially suicide loss. It distracts from healing and growth. God placed upon my heart to not ask why, but how. How can I salvage something worthy from this ghastly disaster? Where can I find the hope my soul yearns for?
Philippians 4:8, became my life verse after Maggie’s death. God’s word has comforted me, and this verse helps to bring me back to life.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”
I had a long heavy journey ahead and Jesus was with me every step of the way. I had heard the term “the strong name of Jesus” and never really understood the power in it. After Maggie’s death, that strong name calmed and comforted me. When the reality of Maggie’s death fully hit and the darkness tried to surround me, I would repeat Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. This brought me hope, a hope I would cling to.
God gave me grace to grow from Maggie’s death
I had to make the choice to receive it. Faith is not a feeling. It is a choice to trust God even when the future is uncertain. Through my trust, I have been able to sit alongside other suffering and just be.
One year after Maggie’s death, I was able to start a Survivors of Suicide Loss support group in my town. Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide provides healing support for people coping with the shock, excruciating grief and complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one to suicide. We provide resources to help you deal with, and eventually heal from, what may well be the worst pain you will ever feel. It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives.
I also manage and facilitate The Compassionate Friends support group. When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.
Both are secular groups, but I am able to let my light shine by not being judgmental of other’s beliefs and by letting others ask me how I have healed. When asked, it is with great joy that I can share my faith!
When people tell me they are mad at God, my reply is, “That is good because that means you believe in Him. And you do have every reason to be mad at Him”
Dear Charlotte,
This is a powerful story about love and faith! I see your grief for your beautiful daughter but yet your faith was shining through. I see myself in your story regarding faith in God. Anne Moss is providing a great platform for survivors of suicide to share their stories and making meaningful connections.
I am also leaning on my faith to help me heal and find meaning and purpose through service. Phillipians 4:13 and pray without ceasing have taken on new meanings.
Thank you!
Peace and grace!
I agree with you! It is very difficult to find comfort in a God that would allow such evil to happen. Also to have your pastor betray you and your husband only adds to your pain. Perhaps a church with more love and comfort would be beneficial? Have you attended support groups? The Compassionate Friends? This really helps, as you relate to others who know your pain and also may share the same struggles.
I am so very sorry for all of the loss and hurt you are experiencing. May God surround you with peace and comfort. I still struggle, but know I cannot do this on my own.
Peace be with you, Charlotte
Three years ago I lost my 27 year old son to suicide. I was angry with God and the world. I was devastated beyond words. Was God with him in his final moments. He was alone high and hung himself in a vacant building.I had prsyed to God every night to bring my son home to me.I wrote to my son for hours each day for the 1st 2 years. I have his ashes and a memorial in our home. Then one day I just knew for his sake I had To live. 8 months later my dad died.I told God He couldnt have him. But eventually one day I realized it was painful for him to watch me cryimg all the time. Then the angercslipped away. I knew they were in heaven together.I thought about how I slowly came back to life. God did not take their lifes He saved their souls.He understood because He gave up His son for the Sins of the World.
Fours days ago I found my 35 year old son dead in his bed. My heart is broken and my lifeforce is shaking. My son looked as if he was in complete peace.He died from an accidental mixing of his medication. He ate a piece of candy and died before he swallowed. He just went to sleep.As I sat with him one tear ran down the left side of his cheek.I knew he knew how I felt.We were close as can be. He had mental health .He had lived with me and his dad his whole life.I feel like a piece of me is missing.Both my sons are now with God.I know this in my heart.God gets us through it we just have to be willing to believe that those who pass on live in Paradise with Jesus. We havr tovlet them move on into the light. Now they have no worries no fears. Now they are trully free to live in their happy moments.Only God can do that.
Hi JoAnn,
I appreciate you sharing your story. Every story shared about losing our children helps me in some way or the other. I read and see your grief but yet you gave me hope. I lost my 33-year-old to suicide 15 months ago and his 35 birthday is on June 9th. Peace and grace to you!
Reading your story. So so sorry. Our 23 year old son passed away as he was battling colorectal cancer. To have one child leave this earth too soon is crushing… but 2….just 😥😥😥😥😥😥
Sending hugs to you
Thank you. I will let Charlotte, the author of this post know of your comment.
Why? That’s what I want to know. Why do some Christians get comfort from God and some of us do not feel His comfort at all. My 18 year old son was murdered four years ago. He was my only child and I love him with him every fiber of my being. He was SO fun!!! I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was four and had walked with Him all my life. He was my friend that would never abandon me and would be with me no matter where I went or what came my way in life. Then my son was murdered and the night he died it feels like God died too because I have not felt His comfort these brutally long four years. I’ve prayed and cried everything out to Him endlessly. But the never ending feeling that He let me down never goes away. Everyone tells me He loves me. I don’t understand a love that could let their child hurt as desperately as I hurt. Oh, and our church that my husband pastored didn’t help and eventually worked to get rid of him because we refused to “get over” our son’s death and because we have such struggles with grief and anger. And much of our family either largely or completely abandoned us. There seems to be no answer to this never ending nightmare. I’ve listened to sermon after sermon after sermon. I’ve listened endlessly to the Bible being read on YouTube. Still just existing in this “life”.
There is an end and it does begin with you. So I want you to know that. I’m so sorry you lost your son to murder. I lost my son to suicide. But with the type of death you have endured, there is so much anger. And the fact that he was your only. For you to be able to move forward, you will have to surrender the anger. What is it doing for you? Nothing other than making you bitter. Accepting the loss is the hard part. For me, I had to ask God for the strength to endure the loss to help me through the worst parts. And I wrote and wrote and wrote which helped me work through all the strong emotions. Given that it’s been four years and you are still struggling as much as you are, please enlist some help. It sounds like traumatic grief. Please look up someone in your area to help you work through that. Your husband, too. Murder is an exceptionally difficult loss with a lot of anger as you well know. You can live again and not hate your life.
I can completely relate to this, Charlotte. Thank you for putting it into words!
Charlotte, your story and faith are incredible. You are a beacon of light and hope for many.
Merry Christmas to you and Jim!
Hugs,
Sue
Bless you and Merry Christmas!
Charlotte I know you are a loyal follower of Anne Moss as I’ve seen you comment often. I didn’t know your story until now. I am so sorry for the loss of your Maggie. I’m also in awe of your tremendously strong faith. Think of you and holding space this holiday season and every day. 💙
Thank you! Your comments mean a great deal to me.
Such an incredible testimony of the power of faith! Thank you for your outreach to others.
Bless you!