When I got the news, my son, Charles, had been found dead of suicide, my first instinct was to find the escape route. I wanted to get the f–k away from that agony and slide into another life that was shiny and happy.
The news the police officer was sharing kept bumping up against a roadblock of disbelief and to cope my mind would take little jaunts from reality and wander down meaningless tributaries of thought to give my soul a break from the weight of the devastating news. Bits and pieces of information floated about screaming their importance with no place to land, only to be retrieved later when my mind had the ability to absorb them and put the pieces together.
With that shocking loss came the brain paralysis known as numbness, nature’s shock absorber. Because as a human I could only endure so much hurt at one time. That whole first year, numbness would sweep me up in its embrace to give me a break from the agony, render me brain dead, and siphon my ability to give a damn about much of anything else.
My expectation was that year two would be a picnic by comparison but that’s when nature’s prescription medication wore off and it felt like I was facing all the hurt without the cushion. So while that one year anniversary wasn’t a magic bullet, it was a mile marker that served as a trophy for having survived the unsurvivable. Thanks to numbness, my broken heart didn’t didn’t kill me.
Well put Anne Moss. I still drift off and lose myself for hours with mindless activity. I still cannot get as much done… And I do believe that I cannot ever get as excited or as upset about anything as I used to.
I can understand that Gray. Whitten was your only and you have your own depression to deal with. I think you are remarkable. My emotional response is different, too now than before. With holidays approaching, the whole month of December is one long numb month for me. I’m sure it must be for you since Whitten died right before Christmas.
My question is how do I as a mother of a 32 year old son who told me the day before he was not gonna go to court regarding the injunction his wife put against and I said well then what he said he would kill himself and I started crying and said Keith if you do I will then and he said y and I said cause your my first born and if something ever happened to you or your sister I would either be dead or in a crazy house and he said mom you can’t do that you have Amber -grandson Grayson and my 3 kids I said well your wife won’t ever let me see them and he said in time and. I said no Keith please please don’t baby and then the rest of Sunday Nov9th 2025 he even talked of what we charge for him to stay there that he would never get married again and even when he left to go to hotel Carlos said now son I will meet you in Parking lot well
Long story short he dudint show at court and a bolo was put out do to the threat of suicide the day before and I got the awful call that mom Nov 10th 2025 they found him self inflicted gunshot to the head in his car and what hurts me the most is he was only 10 miles from my house and I have so many guilt and the way his whatever a person calls her now handled everything with funeral home and all his belongings I have nothing she has done nothing but bad mouth him online and told the kids he died by a drug overdose no I wouldn’t want to tell a 12 year old autistic the actual truth but to me car accident but now she and the kids living life up and I am dieing inside have died inside can’t face the days sometimes
What do I do now
Angel- I changed your name for privacy in case someone goes looking I don’t want them to find your comment. For your protection.
First know that guilt is part of the process with suicide loss especially. We torture ourselves about what we missed etc. The truth is we do not have control over another human or their brains that talk them into suicide. We cannot love them out of it. My son, too, killed himself right before a court date. While that is never a single cause it is a contributing cause and I’m sorry it is for you.
Another problem we often talk about in our grief group is withholding children from their loved ones, and that usually is grandparents being estranged from grandchildren which is utterly heartbreaking.
One dad I know was threatened by the son in law that if he pursued awarness of his daughter’s death by suicide as a result of postpartum depression, he would never get to see his granddaughter. So the grandmother didn’t participate in the nonprofit and she sees the grandchild but the grandfather does not because pursuing the nonprofit is what has helped him heal. Those are impossible choices and so cruel.
I will say that one of my friends was estranged from her brother’s children for many years but that has softened and she is once again in their lives and it’s been wonderful. It took a lot of patience, thoughtfulness, and love to get there. It was ugly at first and now it’s not.
I have no idea if your situation is forever, or could change. Most of the time, it does change but not always. But as long as they are on this earth there is hope and one day they will turn 18 and be able to decide for themselves. Usually some resolution happens before then.
I wish I had answers. But what I can say is that seeking out a suicide loss support group in your area or for a child loss group (compassionate friends) you will find others in similar circumstances and see what they have done to move forward. They will be able to say what they have done, what books they have read and what legal action (if any) they were able to take. Much love. It’s a tough journey. I’ve been there.
I’m in so much pain I’m not sure I’m numb, but I definitely can’t get as upset as I used to, and the concept of excitement is completely foreign. And the holidays are terrifying. I feel like my head is trapped inside a small box that I can’t reason my way out of, and that I want to bang it against out of pure frustration. Instead, I read this blog, and many articles and books, and I try to think my way out of it some more. The thinking is blocking the feeling, like if I can only figure it out, I can change it. But of course I know that’s not true, so then I weep and wail some more. But the reading and thinking also help pass the long lonely hours, and not feel so hopeless and alone. Thank you Anne Moss and Gray for sharing your journeys.
Oh Stacy. Just so you know, I’m in tears. I feel your pain. I am less terrified of the holidays this year but in fear of them. I just kind of go catatonic. How long has it been for you since your daughter’s death?
I agree . The hole is just too big.
It seems so impossible. Yet I did it. And I won’t lie I used all of you all to pull me through it. I thought I was doing this blog for self healing but I realized it was all of you in our shared pain that was helping me move through it. It’s so isolating. Losing a child is tough enough without the added twist of the knife of suicide. Things do look different now thank goodness. It still hurts but it’s not that constant grief but a lot more manageable.