by Jared Murphy
Note from his mother: “This is a letter my son Jared wrote to his friends before he died. He died from accidental overdose. Jared had given me the note a while back. He asked that I post it to his Facebook page. Through tears, I am sharing and awe fills my heart to have had the honor to be his mother.” Maureen Mahaney
To be posted to my Facebook – just in case (Please)
If you are reading this then the war is finally over. These words are mine and have been written as a half-baked last testament.
As most of you know I’ve been locked in a battle for control of my mind between the innermost me and the voice of addiction. For most of my adult life I fancied myself something of a ‘psychological warrior’ hunting with a honed sense of ‘truth’ that which can, must, should or couldn’t possibly be. Were this battle one waged with introspective communication, it would have been won 3 or 4 times over.
The mere fact that I am writing this may contradict what I’m about to say but I’m not really all that suicidal. Maybe that deserves some unpacking – I don’t have an overwhelming desire to bring an abrupt end to my existence, but at the same time my will to live couldn’t accurately be described as overwhelming either and I reckon that brazen apathy has cut short the lives of many before me – still understanding of that fact is not enough to tip the scales, so the choice is up to you ultimately.
There are so, so many things that I want the world to know about my little slice of the human condition – not for the sake of notoriety or attention seeking but just as a final attempt to connect with a world that seems to run more smoothly the less I interact with it. I want you to know that I don’t know very much at all. The greatest lesson I’ve absorbed in this life is how little I understand about it.
As people, we make judgments about other individuals or situations that we have no business making. I wish I would have spent more of my time listening then talking, giving love instead of seeking it.
Look back and see what you want to be remembered by. I regret deeply how many scars I have left on the hearts of those I care for. I have only the blind hope that somewhere in the net calculation of my presence that my smile or occasionally outrageous and fun personality will overshadow those short comings. Such should be the hope of any person.
If I start listing names of persons who have had tremendous impacts on me as friends, mentors, lovers, partners – the list would inevitably fall short. I believe that you know who you are. If I die this young, regrets seem a luxury I can’t afford so I’ll not touch these either.
What has become exceedingly clear to me is that what matters is how much you all understand that I love you. ALL of you.
You’ve all been a part of my human experience which I consider to be/ have been rich beyond measure. I want not your pity or tears as they can’t touch me now. It brings me peace and some measure of happiness to imagine instead that you tell my story (what pieces you, yourself have).
Don’t let someone you know try to live a second-hand version of my life. Help push the proverbial ball forward. I fear that I myself have fallen victim to this and on my search for aberrance and singularity, merely dig deeper grooves into a path which is both already clearly defined and of premature terminus.
I harbor no resentments humans. Pardon the tasteless metaphor but it is the opiate of the terminally ill to suppose their love, their exuberance, their spirit somehow persists after the organic mechanism ceases to be and I count myself among those dreamers.
With love, peace and acceptance,
16 thoughts on “Jared’s last words”
I just found out about Jared’s death, sadly several years too late. He apparently died while I was in prison. My mother has an article featured on this site as well. My name is Drew Harrison. My mother is Jude Harrison.
I really liked Jared a lot. I used to work with him at MovieStop. We reconnected years later in 2012 working out at Gold’s Gym at Swift Creek. He had an amazing beard and was starting to pack on some muscle. We started chatting again in the gym about video games, fitness and other random stuff.
I was in a terrible place mentally and emotionally in 2012. We hung out a few times, but I was saying/writing some really unhinged things during this time and he understandably chose to distance himself from me. I can’t possibly blame him or anyone else.
Jared was very intelligent, articulate and thoughtful. I did not realize he was struggling with addiction. I stumbled upon this news tonight and it really sucks. Jared was one of those rare introspective types who valued critical thinking while also understanding that it doesn’t help emotional or mental health problems very much. Different part of the brain.
At work Jared used to go to the grocery store during his break and bring back a can of Chef Boyardee and eat it straight out of the can cold with a big, goofy grin on his face. He was hilarious. I’m really sorry that he died. This really sucks. It does not surprise me in the least how magnanimous and thoughtful his final words were. That’s just who he was.
What a beautiful comment, Drew. And I finally meet you via comment section. And yes I know your mom. Jared’s sister will really appreciate this comment so I’ll share it with her. Thank you for that. And you are a good writer.
Jared does not have a sister. I am his mother and I do really appreciate this comment.
Maureen- I realized my mistake in identity about an hour ago. I know of two Jareds so that’s where the mixup happened. Sorry for the error and thank you for correcting me. It’s so nice to hear these things about our loved ones after they have died. It shows how special your son was.
Drew, thank you so much for sharing your memories of Jared. Needless to say, it warms my heart to know other still think of him in such thoughtful ways. He was one special guy and I miss him madly.
Hard to imagine how I have survived this long since that terrible day. The pain is still so piercing and I miss him every single day. If only ……. love forever resides in my heart.
I know. I wonder that, too sometimes. But we did survive what we thought was unsurvivable
Love you friend and surely love survives forever!💕❤️
Wow such powerful words from someone who was struggling so hard. What a beautiful man he was. Thank you “mom” for sharing his last words. Its a tough battle that he was facing and its heartbreaking to see that he died when he was working so hard to survive. Love is coming your way. You should be proud of the man you raised.
Thank you for your kind words. I am and always was proud of Jared. He is a truly amazing man with such deep insights and was a gifted writer. I miss him so deeply.
Wow…thank you for sharing your story and your son. I am so sorry for your loss. Too many are experiencing the loss of a child to suicide and addiction. People, like yourself who expose the raw truth help. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. His words are thought provoking for many reasons. Wish I could hug him…
Jared’s letter is so beautifully touching. I admire him for his honesty in sharing his battle and you for sharing it with us. He loved and was loved. I wish he was still here to tell you that in person.
He writes beautifully. Beneficial for all to read. A beautifully written story of sadness. God Bless You.
Jared’s post indicates his death was by suicide but that is NOT the case. He died from an ACCIDENTAL overdose.
What a brilliant, eloquent man. I’m so sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing his beautiful words…