Written by Jon Farrow
I’m sick, very sick. I haven’t been this sick in a while. When I hit this low I make sure to constantly look at pictures of my family to remind myself of why I fight through this.
My wife recently lost her grandmother. I have tried to push my illness deep down so I can be strong for her. The deeper I try to push my illness down the more it pushes back. I feel guilty for not being there for her the way I should and want to be.
Knowing that I am an inadequate husband makes the darkness I feel worse. I have thoughts that tell me how selfish and self-centered I am. That because of my selfishness I am worthless and she could do much better than me.
Dealing with Bipolar Disorder has been like being possessed by a demon that has control over my emotions and thoughts. When I cycle down into the personal hell of paranoia, anxiety, and depression that my mind creates.
It makes it hard to remember that I will cycle back into a state better than the one I am currently in. When I am in this deep depressive state where I feel like I’m drowning. I channel my inner Dory*. I remind myself minute by minute to keep swimming.
*Inner Dory is from Finding Nemo. When Dory gets down she signs a song just keeps swimming