Written by Jon Farrow
I’m sick, very sick. I haven’t been this sick in a while. When I hit this low I make sure to constantly look at pictures of my family to remind myself of why I fight through this.
My wife recently lost her grandmother. I have tried to push my illness deep down so I can be strong for her. The deeper I try to push my illness down the more it pushes back. I feel guilty for not being there for her the way I should and want to be.
Knowing that I am an inadequate husband makes the darkness I feel worse. I have thoughts that tell me how selfish and self-centered I am. That because of my selfishness I am worthless and she could do much better than me.
Dealing with Bipolar Disorder has been like being possessed by a demon that has control over my emotions and thoughts. When I cycle down into the personal hell of paranoia, anxiety, and depression that my mind creates.
It makes it hard to remember that I will cycle back into a state better than the one I am currently in. When I am in this deep depressive state where I feel like I’m drowning. I channel my inner Dory*. I remind myself minute by minute to keep swimming.
*Inner Dory is from Finding Nemo. When Dory gets down she signs a song just keeps swimming
I struggled with bipolar l and being possessed is exactly what a manic episode feels like for me. I’m stuck inside my body screaming “This isn’t me, please don’t listen to what I’m saying, I love you, please don’t listen.” And all I can do is watch while someone else takes over. It’s incredibly distressing, and I’m left with all kinds of guilt and shame. Thank you for writing this.
From someone who doesn’t live with bipolar but has a relative with it, I want to say thank you for helping us understand what it’s like. This comment really helps me understand- “This isn’t me, please don’t listen to what I’m saying, I love you, please don’t listen.” So I will be using it for future newsletters to my tribe who struggle to understand their loved ones who live with bipolar.
My boyfriend suffers from Bipolar Disorder as well. We have been living together for about a year. He does everything he can to manage the symptoms from medication to therapy regularly. I am so proud of him for what he’s overcome. He has come a long way since choosing treatment.
This can be very challenging for me at times, and it’s hard to not take it personally when he cycles. Ultimately, I know his heart and his spirit are pure and would never intent to cause me harm.
He has similar feelings of worthlessness because he knows that although unintentional, it causes disturbance in our home. We have come a long way with kindness, patience and tolerance of each other during these cycles (which have improved greatly with Latuda).
I chose him as my partner for the beautiful qualities that define him as a person, not his disease. I’m sure your wife can identify. He is my best friend, and I will continue to stand by him for support and the stability that he needs in those times. It’s tremendously important for me to know my limitations, set boundaries and maintain proper self care. Healing has to come from all sides of the situation, so I am in therapy as well.
There is so much hope for you and families of bipolar people!
What a beautiful comment.
Thank you to the both of you for taking the time out to read it. I went back and forth with sharing this. It’s hard to admit things you honestly don’t have control of. I thought if it helped just one person in the same position I am. Then it’s worth making myself vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing with us. Others will be helped and will find comfort in your strength to keep swimming!
Try not to listen to the voice – it’s the depression whispering ugly things to you….