The fireworks behind my eyes

Lately, when I dream about Charles, I see flashes of light like fireworks behind my eyelids when I close my eyes.

It’s not alarming but pleasant to the point, I feel “wow.” I also feel warm inside. I’d describe it as mesmerizing and spectacular.

While I’ve read about flashing lights behind the eyelids, this is more specific. For one thing, I have them only after I dream about Charles.

I hate to say I don’t dream about him as often as I’d like. It seems to go in cycles. Months where I have very few Charles dreams and struggle to remember any part of them. And months where I have several in a row–vivid dreams that seem so real.

I welcome dreams about Charles. Never dread them.  I used to feel disappointed after because he seemed so alive and then I realized he’s wasn’t. I don’t feel disappointed any more. I fall asleep rapidly afterwards.

You’d think I’d dream about the day we got the news. Thankfully I don’t.

Charles was absolutely fascinated with dreaming

He read a lot about dream states like lucid dreaming. He would work really hard at trying all of the techniques. I’m not sure he ever successfully achieved the dream state known as lucid dreaming. But I know he tried multiple times and told me about it in detail.

Since he had a sleep disorder, achieving dream state was probably difficult for him. I think his love of psychedelic drugs such as LSD had a lot to do with that fascination with dreaming.

I have wondered what the fireworks behind my eyelids means but I have no explanation. Only that I love the feeling after and crave more.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

3 thoughts on “The fireworks behind my eyes”

  1. Good post… After I lost my first daughter I would dream and wake swearing I heard a baby crying. Or I’d wake up at random times during the night. It was as though my body knew maternally I just had a baby and was supposed to be waking every few hours to care for her.

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