The fireworks behind my eyes

Lately, when I dream about Charles, I see flashes of light like fireworks behind my eyelids when I close my eyes.

It’s not alarming but pleasant to the point, I feel “wow.” I also feel warm inside. I’d describe it as mesmerizing and spectacular.

While I’ve read about flashing lights behind the eyelids, this is more specific. For one thing, I have them only after I dream about Charles.

I hate to say I don’t dream about him as often as I’d like. It seems to go in cycles. Months where I have very few Charles dreams and struggle to remember any part of them. And months where I have several in a row–vivid dreams that seem so real.

I welcome dreams about Charles. Never dread them.  I used to feel disappointed after because he seemed so alive and then I realized he’s wasn’t. I don’t feel disappointed any more. I fall asleep rapidly afterwards.

You’d think I’d dream about the day we got the news. Thankfully I don’t.

Charles was absolutely fascinated with dreaming

He read a lot about dream states like lucid dreaming. He would work really hard at trying all of the techniques. I’m not sure he ever successfully achieved the dream state known as lucid dreaming. But I know he tried multiple times and told me about it in detail.

Since he had a sleep disorder, achieving dream state was probably difficult for him. I think his love of psychedelic drugs such as LSD had a lot to do with that fascination with dreaming.

I have wondered what the fireworks behind my eyelids means but I have no explanation. Only that I love the feeling after and crave more.

 

Hopes and Dreams

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

3 thoughts on “The fireworks behind my eyes”

  1. Good post… After I lost my first daughter I would dream and wake swearing I heard a baby crying. Or I’d wake up at random times during the night. It was as though my body knew maternally I just had a baby and was supposed to be waking every few hours to care for her.

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