I kicked boys and no one ever asked why

I wore these corrective shoes. One of my feet turned in and these were supposed to help. It must have because it no longer pronates as it once did. Or I grew out of it. I remember they were expensive and I didn’t really want to wear them.

Because they were different and overly retro, I was relentlessly teased about them. But I didn’t kick boys because they made fun of me or my shoes. I just endured that.

What no one every seemed to remember, mention or event know was why I kicked boys. I kicked to defend myself.

There were many times I was surrounded by a group of kids, boys mostly, who threatened me and I was outnumbered. They would close in and when they got too close and started swatting at me I got scared and kicked the living shit out of their shins.

I fought back against my tormenters. And as a girl, that cost me. Apparently fighting back was not lady like. A lecture I got for at least three years from teachers and other administrators.

I was cornered on the playground, at recess, in the lunch room. They’d surprise me in the lunch room, hide behind the line so the teachers or monitors couldn’t see and punch my lunch and smash it. I hated smashed food so I just went hungry. Sometimes I knew I’d suffer consequences and they would not and there were not so many of them and it was not worth the fight. They were having fun. I was not.

I lost recesses over it. I developed a reputation as a kicker of boys that lasted. Think about that young girl with the reputation as a “slut.” There is always more to that.

So one day, I’m walking home from school because we lived very near my elementary school.

I’m carrying my books and my homework which I had gotten done for the most part. No backpacks then. This meant I’d get to go out and play dodgeball in our cul de sac, a past time I loved.

I was surprised by two students my age. Both boys. And they start surrounding me and teasing me. Now I’m really scared because I’m totally by myself. No one would hear me scream in the middle of this field and flight or fight kicks in. I remember trying to remain calm and not panic. I even remember seeing the fort in the woods and thinking maybe I should run over there. I knew I was faster. But they could get up there, too.

They swat at my books and knock them out of my hands. There they go in a mud puddle along with my homework. What teacher will believe my homework got thrown in a mud puddle?

They start coming for me and it’s two against one. I kicked one of them so hard my foot hurts and I fall backwards. The other boy steps back when he sees how the other one is screaming in pain and they both run. I’m a mess but relieved and shaken. I’m filthy from falling in the dirt and my books and homework are muddy.

So the next day at school, the boy I kicked pulls up his pants leg to show my third grade teacher, Mrs. Stutts, the bruises up his shin. I was shocked. Surely she will ask when it happened and I had no idea he’d turn this in his favor. I got him good but I didn’t like hurting others.

She glares at me and I try to explain that they were following me home after school and threatening but she didn’t want to hear it. She yelled at me and said I’d have to miss a week of recess. And pay for the books. Three of them at $6 each. That’s a lot of chores. I was something of an entrepreneur but that was way beyond my budget. I’m going to guess my parents bought new books.

I remember crying that whole week. Being so angry about what happened and that I was always the one being punished. What was I supposed to do? No one ever thought or considered there was a reason for kicking or gave me any opportunity to explain. And good God I was teased about this “kicking habit” all through junior and high school.

It was later in fourth grade that my mother was concerned about my behavior in school, the kicking included, so she took me to a therapist where they observed me behind the glass. They ushered me in the room without introductions and left, went back and perched on their chairs to observe. Three or four of them I remember.  I walked in that room full of boys who were there because of aggressive behavior and they all attacked me almost right after I started playing with some blocks while the “therapists” watched without doing anything. They were all over me. At least eight of them pounding, kicking, and scratching.

I managed to break away because I am a fighter and started banging on the door. Some lost interest and one bit my leg while I pounded on the door and another was pulling my hair out. Clearly the observers were not going to move. I remember looking at them pleading but they just sat. It was like they threw fresh meat into a pool of piranhas. I was the meat. The administrator opened the door and was shocked at what she saw. My hair all array. My clothing ripped. My face and legs scratched and the bite, on my leg.

She asked what happened and I broke down and cried uncontrollably. I remember I cried so hard the salt from the tears ended up in my mouth. I was so thankful she opened that door and even more thankful she closed it behind me and listened. She was shocked no one in the other room intervened. And they weren’t coming out then either. Never said anything to me or showed their faces. This memory is so vivid and I remember so many details including how the office looked and the secretary’s hair which looked like a shorter version of Marlo Thomas’ hair on “That Girl.”

She immediately called my mother and invited me to sit down while I waited. She was the first adult that ever wanted to hear my side and showed me kindness. She was not about to let me out of her sight and she was busy putting bandaids on places that were bleeding.

My mother cried the whole way home. She was devastated I was subjected to this. She was trying to find help for a situation.

The point is that behavior has a root cause. Kids don’t act out because they are “bad.” It’s important to listen to kids and figure out the why. We simply don’t do that. We default to knee jerk reactions like suspensions and punishment. We default to lecture and model our schools after our criminal justice system which is hardly a fair system. We rarely focus on the person. We just want it out of our court. We never teach kids conflict resolution or make it a teaching moment.

I know there are great teachers and educators but this was my experience in the late 1960s. I can’t say there was a big change when Charles was in high school in 2010.

How can we expect our kids to act with kindness if the adults are not modeling it? Why don’t we ever consider things may not always be what they seem to be on the outside and be more curious? There is always more to the story.

I am not angry at those who bullied me because I made peace with them long ago. I hardly ever think about it and I’ve had a lot happen since then, namely a brain tumor and a loss of my son Charles to suicide.

I have to tell you that years later when I was attacked at knife point, I fought off my attacker like a tiger and barely escaped rape and murder. I can attest it was that old instinct kicking in. Pun intended. So it ended up benefitting me in some way.

Someone was talking about bullying the other day and it got me to thinking of the difference between what happened to me and how it is now. The 24/7 nature of it and the fact that more bullies identities are unknown to us. At least I went home and got a break. I knew who my attackers were. And they turned out not to be bad people but very nice adults.

I also thought about my experience and why it didn’t jade me for life. I don’t know the answer to that but I can tell you I didn’t go home to a toxic environment. I had friends and family in town. I never went hungry or without clothing. So I had support I could count on.

It also made me think about all the times I tried to advocate for my child and the situation went south and ended up resulting in adults making knee jerk reactions because they had a zero tolerance policy. They never considered there might be a reason for Charles’ lack of motivation. Curiosity and fairness is not as much a focus as discipline.

If we want to see more kindness in kids, we need to model it not lecture it. We need to foster connection and talk about differences and educate our kids on disabilities. And offer opportunities for kids to show kindness. We’re so busy cramming them with math and science.

I’ll admit that some forty years later I wanted to set the record straight, too. Things are not always what they seem.

 

Charles always reached out

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am the mother of two boys and the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am a writer and professional public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief and currently working on getting a book published. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory.

6 thoughts on “I kicked boys and no one ever asked why”

  1. Ann, if you have a chance go see the documentary on Mr. Rogers. His message was about respecting children and making sure to set the standard of kindness with them. It was beautiful.

  2. Wow. Just wow. I had no idea about any of this, AM. Never heard the nickname (I didn’t move to town until high school) or the stories. I always saw you as being so put together—I never would have expected you had a background of being bullied. I’m sorry for that but also thankful that it became a part of your tapestry of life that is helping others. I completely agree that we need to inquire and listen—I fear we are teaching kids that they do not have to understand their actions, they just have to stop. And that lack of insight can have devastating consequences. Thank you for sharing your most difficult experiences so openly with us. ❤️

    1. I am with you on this, Amy. So true. “—I fear we are teaching kids that they do not have to understand their actions, they just have to stop. And that lack of insight can have devastating consequences.”

      And honestly, I have not thought about the kicking until someone was telling her story and said that she, the victim, got blamed for being the problem and this memory appeared in my head. So I have not obsessed about it.

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