You were so cuddly

As a baby, you’d curl up on my chest. Or your father’s. There was nowhere you wanted to be more. You hated that infant carrier. You loved the front carrier and the backpack. You wanted to be touching us.

You were a very long and skinny baby but still so warm.

You crawled up on my lap and the laps of your grandparents. And even when I fell down the stairs holding you which resulted in your foot fracture, you blamed it on the stairs and insisted on being carried up and down.

You had the worst possible case of separation anxiety. So bad, a caregiver took a video to make me feel guilty for leaving you for three hours once a week. She wanted only easy babies. You wanted me.

You were fire and brimstone when it came to emotion. It was epic. When you cried, you invested everything in it. When you laughed, it showed from your eyes to your toes.

You questioned the status quo starting at age three, challenged me to think outside the box, and to re-evaluate my life. It took me until now to make the change. But you inspired it, Charles.

When you put on a shark costume and charmed everyone, I never imagined you’d develop depression. It was your dream to be a super hero and then later a rap artist. It was never your plan to become addicted to heroin or kill yourself at age 20.

I wish I had let you know you were still connected to us when you needed to hear it the most. So I’m telling you now.

 

Dear cold, cruel world,

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

3 thoughts on “You were so cuddly”

  1. I loved reading about cuddly baby it makes me cry I have a daughter as I’ve told you before that’s going through depression. I just know that she was very cuddly and she still is. She searching searching searching at the moment and I do hope she finds it. At least she’s not turning to drugs or alcohol but it’s very difficult to watch your child struggle through depression. I loved reading about cuddly baby it makes me cry I have a daughter as I’ve told you before that’s going through depression. I just know that she was very cuddly and she still is. She searching searching searching at the moment and I do hope she finds it. At least she’s not turning to drugs or alcohol but it’s very difficult to watch your child struggle through depression
    Thank you for your post

    1. I hope she does, too Chris. I think helping them feel more connected is something you can do. Have more get togethers. Once a month movie night or bonfire or something. And I used this parenting style starting really late when Richard was 18 and it was very effective. By that time, Charles was just days from being sent away. As a result, Richard is about 5 years ahead of his peers in terms of emotional maturity. He was considered below average for emotional maturity in school. See if anything on that page is something you feel you can follow through with to help her with problem solving. https://annemoss.com/2018/03/28/10-things-you-can-do-to-prevent-suicide-build-resilience-in-your-kids/

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