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Living with unanswered questions

A death by suicide leaves so few answers. I imagine a lot of deaths do that.  Murder and abduction that ends in death come to mind.

The one big question with suicide is, “why?”

I probably have more answers than most, due to all the writing and notebooks Charles had. The few I have are very revealing. And over the years I’ve been able to piece together scenarios that offer more clues. Stories others have told such as realizing that Charles started suffering from depression in middle school. It was at this time he was having thoughts of suicide from what I can surmise.

I have to wonder, though, did I know my child at all? How could I have missed this big, huge red flag. How could I not know he suffered from thoughts of suicide?

I was never able to crack the code on his phone. And his computer did not have that much on it. The browsing history was not that revealing either.

I was able to get into his Facebook and his email. The email cleaned itself out. Apparently I waited too long to re-login. But I got passwords and some  answers, especially from Facebook. I had to mourn the loss of pictures he probably had on his phone.

Then I ran out of things to uncover.

I wasn’t getting a whole lot of  new information. It might trickle in here and there but at some point, I had to accept that I will have to live without knowing more than I know.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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