When I start to torture myself about everything I missed or did wrong as it relates to Charles’ addiction, mental illness, and ultimate suicide, I have to think about all the things we did right.
After a suicide, it’s hard to have that perspective because you are looking for reasons for someone taking the drastic step of ending their life. You default to self blame. No, that’s wrong. You torture yourself with self blame.
We forget about the times we read to our children, carted them to and from activities and sports, the bonfires and s’mores, the parties, trips to theme parks, get togethers with families, and friends spending the night.
All the time we invested and unconditional love we gave. It simply was not enough to fix what was wrong. Because even when we do everything right, it can still go all wrong.
Yes, thank you. I did all those things! For Jill and her 2 siblings. I sacrificed myself for them over and over. I don’t regret any of it.
It wasn’t till the later years that I feel I did things wrong.
I didn’t get her the right help and not soon enough. I let others, who thought they knew better than I, …convince me that her behavior was due to rebelliousness and just attention seeking. I should have listened to MY gut more. I knew they were wrong, and I regret that I didn’t push harder against them.
There’s more, but it’s painful to list…and it’s been torture for the last six and a half months.
I have to keep reminding myself of the things that I did do right.
I just wish those things I did right and my love for her had been enough to make her feel worth it.
It took me a long time to face up to that last text message. Working through the regrets is so hard and takes time. I am confident you will forgive yourself for mistakes that most of us made.
Thank you, Anne. I needed that 🙂
Amen Anne Moss Rogers! So True!
Thank you Stephanie!