Feeling defeated today

So I’m going to vent because I am so frustrated. Then I’m going to end it with things that are good to help me change my frame of mind. So I’m doing this in public because right now I’m not there.

So venting comes first.

I have been having breathing, voice and swallow issues since brain radiation for my tumor. Side effects of the radiation that may or may not go away. With a microphone or voice amplifier, I have been able to present and keep up my schedule.  But at an event that’s crowded, I sound like I am whispering. Add to that, my issues with swallowing and I feel anti-social. Eating takes a lot of concentration and effort and I’m tired of it but I have to face it three times per day. Thank God for soup.

So to overcome these issues, I have been going to speech and swallow therapy. Yes, it’s as much fun as it sounds with a ton of homework which I have done diligently. My voice has not changed. My swallow has made some modest gains and I’ve been at it for about 6 weeks out of the total of 12. To add to that, the radiation tripped up a problem with silent reflux, something for which I have never suffered before. So I have a very strict eating plan and just about anything has some ingredient I can’t have.

I just want to yell and scream and throw things it’s so frustrating. But. I can’t scream! The left vocal cord is floppy  due to radiation. I can stomp which I did today in my own little fit. I’m so tired of it.

Now on top of all this, I got a wicked sinus infection, something I’ve been able to avoid for 4 years. During the day, I’m OK. Not fabulous. But at night, there is a brick in my face and sleeping is miserable.  It takes forever to get rid of one and mine are resistant to antibiotics. Lack of good sleep is also making me less tolerant.

I had to put the book on hold due to developing hives every time I write. That doesn’t happen usually. But during the birthday month, it has. The grief rashes and reactions are not making me more beautiful.

So I work like a dog on our programs for Beacon Tree and so far ticket sales are not where I’d like them to be. I go to other events like ours and their attendance is over the top. I know comparison is the thief of joy so I’m trying not to panic.

Now, most of you all know it’s Charles’ birthday month. I keep showing up at the wrong time, at the wrong place, and overall, I’m a space cadet. I won’t rehash all the hurt of birthday month since I covered that in a post already. But I know that’s why I’m less tolerant of life’s curve balls. And I just miss my boy. Not to mention my boy in California.

Why can’t I get a break?

So done with the misery part.

Now for the grateful part.

We got our tax return today and didn’t have to pay ten thousand dollars. So there are benefits to working free! (I now have worked up to slave wages which is also exciting.) We plan every tax year but there has always been a surprise that has boosted it way up. But I’m thankful for once that we don’t have a huge tax bill.

I got to see my best buddy Martha today! Brightened my mood considerably.

My brain tumor is dying a slow but humble death! Since 1999, this benign tumor has wreaked havoc. I know how deadly both benign and malignant tumors can be and I know despite the issues I have now, I’m lucky.

I had a fantastic conversation with a guy named Alexander at a major company on speaking engagements with their group. The company is really embracing young professionals, LGBTQ+, minorities, and those with disabilities including autism. It offers me such hope and I love their corporate culture!

I got a comment from a young lady today who is now 21 and watched Charles’ videos back in the day. I love getting these messages.

So my pity party is over. It fixes nothing and I feel better.

Thanks for letting me work through this with all of you. And yeah, I’m a little embarrassed baring it all but I do call the site emotionally naked.

Start the day with what you are grateful for

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

33 thoughts on “Feeling defeated today”

  1. Venting is good for the soul, especially when all hits you at once. You got to put it out there sometimes. Through your work, we are all feeling the pain that Charles felt. We are all feeling your pain. But we also see your successes. Slowly, you are bringing awareness to topics no one wants to talk about or acknowledge.

  2. Hey gf..look at all the responses you got!…speaks volumes..I think all of us warrior mom’s wonder ‘is anybody listening ‘, ‘does anybody care?’…and your battle componded by your own health issues…keep on keeping on!!!…hugs

  3. Anne, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I had no idea. You are always so articulate and together despite your loss, and to have the physical stuff to contend with in addition to the mental drain and longing for Charles is beyond comprehension. I will say an extra long prayer today. Keep remember you are doing good and your work here and with Beacon Tree is saving and helping so many people. Charles is proud, as we all are.

  4. Anne, I am so sorry for all the compounded crap you are dealing with. I get it. Its horrible. Certain dates and seasons are so difficult! I appreciate you and all that you are doing! You are making a difference!! Call if you need to talk or would like to get together for lunch again. Praying for you!

  5. Anne,
    I am so sorry. Please know that you are making a difference. Your hard work and dedication – and your perseverance and strength make you just about the most amazing person I have ever met. I wish I had a tenth of your courage and eloquence. Feel better sweetie!

  6. Oh Anne Moss, you have been through A LOT. It is only human to let it get you down sometimes. It probably was like a mental flush to talk about it all. Hugs to you:)

  7. Oh my dear Anne, you should NOT feel embarrassed about showing your human side. You are such a strong, courageous and inspiring person. You are a true warrior. And you are doing so much for many that are still suffering and struggling. Sending a prayer to heaven and a big hug for you. 🙏❤💝

  8. Don’t be embarrassed! A month of raw emotions, medical issues, work, life, missing Richard, missing and remembering Charles. It’s just SO much. The eating issues must be agonizing, it’s hard enough to figure out what to eat with just regular reflux issues. You are permitted to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed, angry, and every emotion you are feeling. Please take care of yourself and know we care about you.

  9. Feeling for you today A-M. I often tell myself that I am so lucky to have my health.
    So I am so sorry you do not have yours right this minute. Pain is so hard on the psyche. I think it was smart to vent.
    Hoping your sinus infection leaves soon, attendance is up, and your book starts up again. Birthday months suck.
    You – defeated? Never….

  10. Hoping you can slow down some to rest and get better- sounds like your body may b demanding it. You are a woman on a mission, doing great things but also dealing with lots of stress. Take care of you!

  11. Maybe your rant DID help. Sometimes I find just putting it out there, rather than keeping it in my brain, can help relieve the stress. Your burden is certainly more than your share. But the good you are doing as a result of how you carry it is beyond measure. It isn’t necessarily in ticket sales, and there is some you will never know about or see, but I know it is out there. You matter. That’s a big deal.

  12. Anne Moss, I’m sorry to hear of these nasty side effects of the radiation. I can only begin to imagine how frustrating it must be. I’d be stomping my feet, throwing a fit too. Looking forward to seeing you on Sunday night. ❤️

  13. Gosh you’ve got a lot going on. You are one tough cookie and definitely entitled to vent, especially here on your own site. I’m so glad the brain tumor is dying!

  14. Anne Moss, I want to hug you and thank you. So few people are willing to share the bad and the ugly, buying into the notion that only the good should be shared. This is a huge part of why people hold the so-called “bad stuff” inside and end up in emotional pain. I am preaching to the choir. You share because you are a trailblazer for truth being told. I feel for you deeply as you find new ways to walk through your days during Charles’ birthday month. And quite frankly, this year the pollen is wreaking havoc on almost everyone I know, many who don’t usually have sinus crud. And the issues caused from the radiation!!! Geez. Yet, despite all of this you find a way to acknowledge the joy sprinkled in and to allow yourself to feel it all. You are inspiring.

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