My mental illness feeds me lies about myself

by Paul Buskey

Many of us have heard the song “Praying” by Kesha on the radio.  Inspired by her lowest moments of her professional and personal life during which she dealt with depression and thoughts of suicide.

It’s very difficult to get others to understand what we hear from our own minds and the images we are fed from our mental illnesses.

You’re able to see her journey throughout the song with her lyrics and the imagery in the video. What you will miss just listening to it on the radio is her intro dialog.

This dialog is the hardest to hear and resonates so deeply within me it hurts. Why? It’s something that I’ve struggled with all my life, daily. Feeling lost, empty, lonely, unworthy of love by everyone just to name a few. If you’re able to get through those dark thoughts you are faced with– others like shame and guilt.

You know there is a better version of yourself but it has fallen into a dark chasm within you. The chasm devours all emotion, color and truths but feeds racing and destructive thoughts, noise and darkness. I’ve clawed, crawled and begged trying to pierce the thick gray fog and evict the demon that sets up residence in my head. Knowing that’s impossible now, I try and reconcile with the tenant to a mumble instead of a roar. The lies it tells are numerous and endless.

It’s easier than it used to be but the pain is permanent. With spiritual help Kisha continues her journey as do I.

Progress for my self is very slow.

It’s difficult to continue at times because inside loneliness and the feeling that I don’t belong live in my head. Some of my first memories as a child are an overwhelming feeling that I’m alone.

My faith in God and people wavers immensely at times and is a constant uphill battle, but I still climb. Everyone missteps and goes backwards and some days it’s all I can do just to maintain and that’s ok.

To all who continue the silent war you battle everyday please don’t give up.

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5 thoughts on “My mental illness feeds me lies about myself”

  1. So beautifully said and right on the money. My son struggled and I struggled. It tells you lies constantly and feeds into your doubt about any old thing. I would tell him, “that’s the depression talking”. And I try to tell myself, but it’s hard to hear it.
    And after his loss, well, it would be easy to give up. At least once a week I ask myself, “what’s the point?”
    As I have told Anne Moss, obligation has kept me alive more than once….
    You don’t give up and neither will I.

    1. Thank you Gray. The lies can be convincing especially when you hear them constantly. I’m sorry about your loss.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing with us. I haven’t heard Kesha’s song, but I will go to YouTube to hear it. God bless you and comfort you always!

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