And my grieving season begins

This is Charles’ birthday month. My baby would have been 23 on the twenty sixth of this month. Then there’s mother’s day in May, the death anniversary June 5. This is my grieving season.

Already, I have the grief rash peaking from under my eyebrow. I’m short tempered and weepier. My heart aches and I’m staring off into space in a trance more often than usual.

Many of his friends have graduated from college, some of them are already applying to graduate school. I still have them stuck at 20 sometimes–shocked when I realize they had the audacity to grow up while he is gone. Seeing them do well actually gives me great joy, and makes me ache at the same time.

Other of Charles’ friends we’ve lost–Blake to substance use disorder and Cain to a bizarre accident. It’s hard to believe I have outlived Charles and two of his friends.

I want more stories, more notebooks, more pictures I’ve not seen before. More Charles. And I want to know he is remembered. That he meant something.

I want to curl up in a cave with his childhood blankie, smother myself in all his belongings. I want things I can’t have –like a hug or a lock of his hair. I long so much to hear that laugh, that rap voice, how he started talking about his birthday starting at Christmas.

All I have is my imagination and the fear that memory will fade or I won’t remember his scent.

Charles always knew how to make me laugh when I was low

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

12 thoughts on “And my grieving season begins”

  1. So sorry for your loss. This may sound strange but I used to watch your son’s YouTube videos when I was only 11 years old, now I am 21. I had randomly thought of him, and was curious to see if he still posted videos, so I searched online and I came across the video that you had posted revealing he had passed away. I felt this feeling similar to as if I had lost an old friend, even though I had never met your son or talked to him. I had watched every single one of his videos, they were all so entertaining and funny. He is remembered, and did mean something to me, a complete stranger. Nothing but love to you <3

  2. Anne,

    My heart and prayers go out to you during this deep grieving season. Sending much love to you❤️🙏❤️

  3. Anne, you’re not alone, my heart, my prayers, my tears are with you, my friend in our unwanted club. Charles will NEVER be forgotten- he lives in you, your words, your giving being. You’re longing makes me cry with you. You are not alone- you are loved.

  4. His legacy is the encouragement you bring to all of us through your mission and work. Thank you and we pray for your strength throughout these next few months.

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