Googling ways to die

Below is a comment I got on this post meant to, hopefully, divert those googling ways to die and provide hope, understanding and maybe prevent a suicide.  I thought you guys might want to see a message from someone who suffers from mental illness and suffers periodic thoughts of suicide.  Those of you who’ve lost a child to suicide may wonder why your child didn’t think about how you would be effected. Sometimes the thoughts overwhelm that. But just know there may have been many times they thought about it but didn’t follow through for fear of what it would do to you. Thank you Claire for your permission to post this. We are here for you. 

The post below by Claire

I have removed potential triggers out of respect for those with lived experience. You can see the original unedited comment and replies from followers and authors here. Claire granted permission for her post to be published here with her first name. 

I feel so frustrated that I’ve ended up on this site when I wanted the information [on how to kill myself] but I really appreciate what you are doing to help people. I’ve been here (at this point in my life, I mean) before many times, but the thoughts are now becoming overpowering. I keep thinking about walking out of the house, going to the woods and [completing a suicide.]

I wish there was an easier way to do it, but I’ve researched before and I know this is the best way. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. That’s the only reason I stick it out every time– thinking of how devastated my parents would be and the kids that I teach. I also don’t want to hurt myself, I just want to not exist. Sometimes it seems like in order to get help you are expected to be self harming but I would never do that. When I am ready I will try to go in the least painful way. I wish doctors understood that.

I’m not a good person – my friends overlook a lot of the awful selfish things I do in my life – I feel like I’ve deceived them. I’ve really messed my life up and I just want the pain to end. I know it sounds pathetic and cliche but the pain is overwhelming. Every time I tell myself that this too shall pass, but at the end of the day the longer I stay on the earth the more hurt I cause to myself and others around me. I’ll only end up feeling like this again, having caused more damage, if I stick it out.

I’m sorry to even waste your time on reading this – I’m not sure whether I’m going to do anything or not this time. I have reached out but I don’t think anyone sees how bad it is.

This is the most pathetic thing but one of the things that stops me is the logistics. I’ve been lying in bed with the curtains closed for a day this time. I would be worried someone would see. I hate to think of who would find me. I hate to think of the example I would be setting to young kids let alone the world of hurt I would cause everyone else. I also would be worried it wouldn’t work and then I would end up disabled, losing my job or living with everybody knowing I tried to kill myself.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this.
I don’t want to worry anyone and I’m going to try and see it through but the urge is extremely strong.

I have bipolar disorder, by the way. I drank a lot of alcohol last night and haven’t had my Prozac in days. I called the pharmacy and they just said they’ll get it in for Tuesday. I’m unsure whether this is exacerbating the situation.

Thanks for what you do. I have a mum who cares about me, too. I would hate her to go through what you did.

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AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a mental health and suicide education expert, mental health speaker, suicide prevention trainer and consultant. She is author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW. She raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost her younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. She is a motivational speaker who empowers by educating and provides life saving strategies and emotionally healthy coping skills. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now that's the legacy she carries forward in her son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website.

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