How I have dealt with my master’s suicide

by Andy Dog

My humans came home and they fell to the floor. I didn’t know what happened. I just knew it was really bad and they needed me. We were all piled on top of each other and the humans yelled and cried which upset me. And then, he never came back home. I never heard that squeaky voice calling me again.  He had gone away for a while but he always came back or I went to see him. Something really bad happened. The boy that was always awake was now gone.

I remember earlier that day when I kept turning in circles. Both my mom and I thought Charles had been there. But he had not. I felt something so I kept going around in circles and I’m not sure why. My mom stared at me wondering what was wrong with me.

I slept in his bed that night. I always slept with him but this night was by myself. And then the next day a whole lot of people came over. I didn’t really know what was happening. Then someone came over and took me for a walk outside. I didn’t know them very well but I liked getting outside and away. I needed a break.

After that, I became a very anxious dog.

My mom and dad were different after that. And I saw all these boxes which made me really nervous. Were they going to leave me? Here? By myself? I didn’t want to lose them, too so I stayed really close to daddy. When he was at home, I was right there.

Then I went through a period where I shook a lot. I begged for affection and couldn’t get enough. I am still anxious but not as bad. I still go in that extra room in the house we live in now and there are boxes in there that have a familiar smell. Sometimes my mom pulls things out of that box that are familiar. It took me a long time to realize he really was never coming back.

It always worried me when he was alive and staying up at night. I was tired and wanted to sleep but he would want me to stay up with him and I would. He was not himself and he would leave the house in the middle of the night and meet someone outside that I did not know. I sometimes barked. And then a couple of times I went in mom and dad’s bedroom and ran in circles which is what I do when I’m stressed.

Those times, I knew something bad was going on and I wanted them to know. But there was no way to tell them. Dad wears a mask to bed and I can never wake him up. But mom is different. She woke up when I would come in and she would pet me and talk to me.

I knew something was wrong when he was at home. I knew something was wrong when he never came home. I know he loved me. I loved him. It’s just not the same.

Why did he kill himself? Contributing factors to Charles’ suicide

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

8 thoughts on “How I have dealt with my master’s suicide”

  1. When Jon died by suicide his dog was with him. 2 days after his passing he was found going to his home. He is with me now and I see a lot of these behaviors. I know that he and Jon were best friends. He is a very good dog but he is very sadden from losing his best friend and home. I plan on him being with us for a while. He is the last one to see him alive. There’s a special connection between us. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. How heart wrenching and beautiful all at the same time. The sensitivity of animals and how they comfort and heal us, and we them. Blessings to Andy, and you.

  3. When Joel died, my neighbours tols they heard my 2 little guys barking anxiously and growling at the same time. Tyson died the following summer he was a hit older. But Mini (now 3yrs) used to sleep with Joel and since his passing she has become very attached to me. She gives me so much comfort and I thank God I have her. Thank you for sharing your story Anne ❤💙

  4. This is most heart breaking. Animals are such sensitive creatures and play off our emotions. They smell fear and all the rest. So glad he has you all .

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