- U.S. Peer warm line: When you call, you talk to someone like you who has also been hurting and wanted to end it at one point in their lives: 1-866-400-6428
I am sorry you are feeling such pain you want to kill yourself and write a final letter to your loved ones. It must be so awful to feel that bad.
If you are looking up how to write a suicide note, then you must have people who love you. Not everyone does.
I can only tell you how I felt when I lost my son, Charles, to suicide. I was devastated. I still am. I wish he had told me how he was feeling. I wish he had written me a message about his pain instead of a suicide note. Here are some things I want you to know.
1. Your pain is real
2. Having thoughts of suicide does not mean you are weak or a “coward.” Those are phrases from people who do not understand
3. You deserve treatment and support and should not be shamed or judged
4. I know you don’t want thoughts of suicide. No one wants to feel that way
5. It is great news you are still here and you have survived so far. Give yourself credit for having the courage to weather those thoughts. You are a warrior.
Guides on how to tell someone
- If you are a teen or young adult, you can use this guide on how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die. How to tell a parent I want to die
- For youth and adults How to tell someone I want to kill myself
Crisis Lines and Prevention Lifelines
Overcoming fears and myths about crisis lines. Legit information here.
USA 1-800-273-8255
USA & Canada Crisis Text 741-741
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline for Veterans 1-800-273-8255, press 1
USA Veteran’s Text line send HELP to 838-255
USA Crisis Line for LGBTQ Youth 1-866-488-7386
USA Crisis Text for LGBTQ Youth 678-678
USA TransLifeline 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Chat for the Deaf or Hearing impaired. Or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255
Reach out to the Crisis Text Line through Facebook
UK 116 123
UK Shout 85258 (Crisis Text Line for England, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland)
AUSTRALIA Crisis Line 13 11 14
CANADA Crisis Line 1-833-456-4566
CANADA TransLifeline 877-330-6366
International suicide hotlines
Suicide Hotlines UK | UK crisis text 85258 | Ireland crisis text 50808
Link to: Australia Suicide & Crisis Hotline Online Chat through the website
The best part about communication with this crisis line over Facebook is that your information is encrypted and anonymized.
List of Suicide prevention lifelines for other countries
Stop, Drop and Roll for emotional emergencies. Video is below and at this link.
Everyone who has done the dunking of the face in ice-cold water had told me it worked to alleviate the crisis (some said they had to do it at least twice.)
Other Resources:
Because suicidal thoughts are treatable, here are resources that have helped others.
Safety Plans
- My Suicide Safety Plan (source: Dr. Tracey Marks)
- Suicide Safety Plan Template
- Example of a safety plan that is filled in
- Example of a safety plan card that you can do yourself. While it’s not a replacement for therapy or a suicide assessment and safety plan, it has the elements of one. Carry it with you in a pocket and look at it 3X a day when you are struggling. You may not be able to identify “Reason’s for living” right now. But write it down “reasons for living” because it will come to you. These are what’s important to you. It can also be a memory.
Podcast for men who struggle with suicide
- From Suicidal to Inspired: Interview with Kevin Hines, Greg Van Borssum, and Matt Runnells – The Social Work Podcast. This is three men who have struggled with thoughts of suicide and how they manage these thoughts. It’s so good.
Articles, Videos, Self-Harm Help:
- Emergency emotional rescue strategies
- Why should I stay alive when I want to kill myself? by Anna Wieder
- This comment is from Graham in the UK who is a Dad and has children. He visited this page one day because he felt as you do now. He survived and this is how he survived. Maybe it will help you.
- Self-help: Self-harm safety box
Self-Help Books
To find versions of these in countries outside the USA, search your amazon by the title.
Highly recommended book. Click the book picture to get your free Kindle version. $4.99 in paperback in the USA. If you are in another country, go to your amazon and paste “How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life.”
- Free Book (kindle version) in USA: How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life (author is anonymous)
- Book for suicidal persons recommended by a licensed counselor, Karla Helbert, LPC: How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention
- Book for suicidal persons who want to live: The Suicidal Workbook: CBT Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide
- Book self-help for men: Guts, Grit & The Grind: A MENtal Mechanics MANual: Basic Mechanics
- Here is an article on how to choose a person to tell and then how to tell them you are thinking of suicide
- Here is an article on how to tell a parent you are thinking of suicide
thank you for this post. thank you for all of your posts, and for loving so deeply and authentically. i’m so sorry that you lost Charles. he sounds like he was an amazing person and son.
i have kept coming back to these pages when i am close, sobbing, the love and pain that radiates from your writing is the only thing that reaches my heart, knowing fully and in a researched way that i might hurt someone this way if i leave. i don’t think i would hurt anyone. i really don’t. but i have a mom too. so on the off-chance i guilt myself into staying. at least it’s a reason, right? maybe i’ll find another reason if i stay long enough?
i don’t know. but thank you for your help.
Thank you for your lovely comment. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you wrote it. And especially, thank you for mentioning Charles. I know your thoughts are not meant to hurt someone else. I know they are super intense and very convincing when they hit. But that part that really feels so intense you are pushed closer towards suicide last 60-90 seconds max. It feels like HOURS though.
A friend of mine lost her son to suicide and she said that at first, actually for a couple of years, she lived because “she felt obligated to live.” Now she is glad to be alive and doing well although she’ll always miss her son, talk about him and think about him. She did find support. For her that was a therapist she still sees. For me it was a group.
So I think you are onto something I’d not really thought about until you posted this comment (thank you for the eureka moment). By thinking that it will change, because things are constantly changing, you are already opening that little sliver of light that will allow hope to come back in. By reading you are taking the self-help steps to find meaning and purpose. I’m very impressed. It’s actually a very effective strategy and one I had not really thought of before and will share going forward. So thank you. I have learned something from you today.
Now would you be willing to share with your mom how you feel?
Anne,
You just saved my life.
Thank you,
I just helped you save your own life. I’m so sorry it’s gotten so bad. But this comment made my month.
If you reply so will I. I’m listening.
Thank you so much for putting this together. I deal with constant pain in my mouth 24/7 from an injury when I was younger and it feels like a mental prison sometimes. Like I’ll never be able to live life like a normal person. I have a good life, surrounded by good people, and a good future ahead of me. But this injury keeps me from enjoying the fruits of my labor. It’s god’s greatest curse but I can say with certainty without your article I very well may not be here right now. I appreciate you carrying out your son’s legacy and just know he would be so proud of the potentially thousands of lives you’ve saved. Thank you so much Anne.
Bambi. I am so thankful you are alive today. And I appreciate your kind words. I have a very high tolerance for pain except pain in my mouth. That must be very hard.
You are very articulate by the way? Are you a writer? Because even in this brief comment you write well. Thank you for sharing yourself here. I am here to listen. I will respond.
I make music which I use as a tool to help people through depression and suicidal thoughts. So I guess you could say I’m a bit of a writer. I just want other people to know that it’s okay to feel this way and it’s part of what makes us human. If there is anytime I can ever help someone else, I feel as if it’s my obligation to do so. I really appreciate you reaching back out and thank you for your kind words about the injury in my mouth. It truly is a hard life, but I live it day-to-day just hoping for a better tomorrow. Walt Disney once said, “all we can do is keep moving forward”, and that’s a motto I like to live by. I hope you keep moving forward with this meaningful mission of yours and may god bless you and your late son Ms. Rogers ❤️
I appreciate your raising my awareness via your story. And I love the disney quote you shared. I have a number of them but the mantra I come back to often is: “I will survive. I just will.” Come back any time. And keep writing music. I can tell in these few interactions that you have talent. Maybe a youtube channel?
This article seems intentionally misleading, no advice on how to write a suicide note – the title of the article. But loads of links and advice on how to survive. If that’s what I was looking for, this would be great. Unfortunately, I’m looking to find out how to write a suicide note. My google search led me here to this lie of an article. How could you title something like this and then have zero content in the post related to the title?
I’m sorry Bruce. You are, of course, right. If you wanted to tell me more about you, I will listen and respond.
Agree with the comment above.
Every note is unique and needs not to follow a standardized format.
Such asinine social constrictions are what got us into this mess.
It is best to Google famous suicide notes for inspiration.
Buck I am sorry life circumstances are such that you are looking this up. If you reply I will too.
Hey, im a 16 year old girl, im done living it’s too hard, and I don’t just want the pain to end i wanna die im so tired of being here. im planning on doing it this week. before you tell something ive already heard like ” it will get better ” “your strong just keep fighting” “you have a family who loves you” or ” you have so much to look forward too”. One i do believe it will get better, but it will also get much worse and for me it’s not worth it, two im not strong and fighting is hard and I don’t wanna do it anymore, three i know i have people who love me, but i need to live for me not for other people.
four there is a lot in my future that i will be missing out on, i have never driven a car, haven’t graduated high school, fallen in love or started a family but that almost makes it easier at least for me because it’s just the begining of my life im not ruinging too many other peoples lives cause i don’t have a husband or kids or many connections outside of my friend group and family so now would be the most selfless time.
Funny you would list the exact phrases I tell people NOT to say in my presentations. I should use your comment exactly to illustrate that point. But back to you and what brought you here.
While suicide has multiple underlying factors that converge all at once, usually there is a trigger that drives a person toward it. What has that trigger been for you? That last straw? I am listening and I will respond. I will not “talk you out of it.” That’s impossible. Only you can talk you out of it.
today, is the day, and I’m really scared, there is still so much I have to do today to make it possible, but I feel like I have to now.
I’ve been grounded since February so for 5 months and I’ve been stuck at home in my emotionally abusive household, and physically abusive the whole time, the only thing making me happy right now is my friends and I never get to see them, only at school but I can’t hang out with them at school cuz I’m failing all my classes, and until I am doing good in my classes I can hang out with my friends but I can’t do my classes because I am too unmotivated like it’s crushing just getting out of bed in the morning I can’t handle anything else right now. I’m always being reminded how much of a failure I am, by my family, but also myself cuz I’m aware like I wanted to get straight a’s I have goals and a lot planned for my life, and I’ve already ruined it all so I’m not leaving that much of myself, I feel like I’m already gone, I feel like I’m just going through the motions now, and the only time I feel alive is with my friends, but it’s just not enough
This makes me want to hug you and sit with you and let you know I hear you. I do hear you and feel your pain. I’m am listening. I’m so grateful you have your friends although your exposure to them is limited. Since you mentioned them, tell me something special about one of your friends.
I’m still alive, part of me is disappointed but the other part thinks maybe I had to hit rock bottom before I could get better.
my socials teacher saved my life, and as happy and grateful as I am to him, all he did was showed me he cared for probably less than an hour, and that is what saved my life. how can my life be so disposable that if it went the other way I probably would have been dead, all I needed was one person to make me feel like they actually care and there is hope for me, but it wasn’t my friends, my family, it was my high school socials teacher, that I’ve talked to one before, how did he have so much power over my life,
Really all it takes is one person willing to listen. Really listen. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. It’s so thoughtful of you to come back and share this story. I’m really honored. Can you share what transpired? Did you say something that concerned him? Did he notice you weren’t yourself? I’d love to know more. You’ve been super helpful and thoughtful. Thank you.
he has noticed I have been off for a while, he told a story in class about 2 weeks ago (went it started getting REALLY bad) a rape story, of how he intervened. I started crying in class because it was really triggering for me and I left, I came and apologized and he asked if I had a story I said yes, and we talked and he has been supporting me since with councillors and making sure I pass his class by helping me. so on Friday, I decided I was going to do it, I swore something of each person I loved, my ex-boyfriend’s ring, the necklaces my bio dad gave me, my brother’s dog tag in my pocket, my mom’s anklet, my old best friends shirt, and then I went to the councillors to write my suicide notes, there was a lot and not that much time so that had already discouraged me, I thought it was unfair I was leaving so the least I could do was write some letters, then by lunch, I had gotten some of them done, but then I reached into my pocket and pulled out my little brother’s dog tag, I fiddled around with it, and was beside myself that my brother would have to grow up without and older sister and the trauma of losing a loved one so tragically, but I had been feeling so bad lately I tried to push through it.
I think by this point I was also just really scared of so many things, like what if it didn’t work? I had brought a large bottle of bleach to school and planned to drink it, I researched how much I would have to drink etc. and found out that if it didn’t work, and I woke up in the hospital then I would never be able to eat solid foods again my stomach and throat would be burned, and for whatever reason, I woke up and appreciated not dying then I would have to live like that for like 80 years and that sounds terrible.
anyways so then i decide I needed to hand in my socials work before I did it, and if he wasn’t there I was going to, or if he didn’t say anything to me, but he was there and he did, I talked to him about my family and everything else I had been through without telling him my plans for the day, and he told me to come up with three nice things to say to myself, I froze and didn’t know what to say, he filled in for me, gave me three things, he helped me pass his class and is helping in my other classes, he said I can stay in his class after school even just to watch movies or something so I don’t have to be at home, and then before i knew it it was 3 school was over and i had to go, but i felt much better, i figured i at least had to make the weekend and then we would see how i felt on Monday, but things were looking better, then as soon as i stepped in my parent’s car, i felt trapped, anxious, depressed all in one wave and right after surviving my attempt, it all just came back and at first i felt like nothing changed, and i thought nothing was going to change but the whole weekend i felt stronger, and happier, everything for sure isn’t easy yet or anything but I’m glad i didn’t go just yet.
This made me cry. Thank you for typing out all that detail and sharing all of this with me and with those who might come after and wonder what transpired. So what you’ve written here could serve as someone else’s survival guide. Do keep in touch. I love this teacher and I’ve never met him. Let him know he has a big fan. 🙂
ever since, I know it hasn’t been very long since Friday, but all these things have been happening that have shown me that I had a reason to stay alive, and I think it was God, or whatever I believe, somesort of a higher power, I told him I couldn’t live anymore and now he is showing me reasons why I have too.
on the weekend my family and I went to a hotel for my brother’s lacrosse tournament, so that night at the hotel, all the parents were drinking, and all the kids were playing, one of the dads was an alcoholic and came up to his son, I stayed with him cuz I didn’t know what he was going to do. he started swearing at him and threatened to hit him, so I took the son somewhere away from the dad and talked to him I asked him if it was a regualr thing, and if he was in danger, and he said there had been some past incidences, but he lives with his mom now and everything is okay. I said okay well you can always come to me and talk to me about anything, he is only 10 years old, and I felt so bad for him. then later in the night, I went up to his dad and asked him to apologize to his son, and so he did, and he seemed to feel bad, the son said thank you and seemed shocked but appreciative, and I think I made a difference in his life with that.
then yesterday, my dad threatened to hit my 10-year-old brother, there isn’t much detail on that but basically, I can’t let my brother face that alone, and then my mom, my brother, and I went for a walk, and I found a stray cat who was skinny and beat up, so I told my mom we had to take him home and take care of him so we did, and now we are making sure he gets better and has a good home.
all that happened between Friday and now, I think they were signs telling me, that maybe I’m not happy right now, and maybe that will come, but there are still things i need to do. i can’t leave yet.
You have me in tears again and I feel so privileged to be on the sidelines for your healing journey. Being a teen is very hard. But already you have managed to find ways to give back. Are you okay with my making this exchange a blog post. I think others need that hope that you offer here. And how you have paid it forward. You may need to start a new thread. And of course you will remain anonymous
where would this blog post be? because I don’t want anyone I know to read this, because they would know it was me if they read it.
I don’t know if my comment was sent, but I just asked where this would be published because I’m pretty confident no one I know would read anything from this website but if it’s somewhere more main stream I don’t want people knowing it’s me and they would still be able to know even if I kept myself anonymous.
I saw it. I was out at a teen suicide prevention event tonight. It would be on this site. I do t think this is a site your friend frequent.
okay then yeah you can post it
Thank you anonymous. I know how proud I am that you’ve turned this around. But I had to ask, are you proud of you?
Also, I read your bio, so my deepest apologies on the loss of your son. I am certain he loved you. Without a doubt you were and are a wonderful mother. I hope his letter was something that you can turn to for comfort.
I would like that for my children, something they can turn to, to feel a little love from their mom. Perhaps they’ll never be a suicide letter writing seminar, but those of us in depression’s long icy grip could use a pro when preparing.
Beckie- Thank you for offering your side of things. It does help. And I understand why you’d be angry. Because I read your comment by making the effort to stand in your shoes. I promise it’s not a guilt trip although it may look that way from where you are standing.
Most of those who search this don’t even know they are. Often they are in another state of mind where they have less control and it does cause those to hesitate and I know that some do survive and later thrive. I will have someone return 5 years later and say, “It was a terrible day and I wanted to end it back then but today I’m doing OK.” I know that is not everyone. But I do believe and studies do show that it’s not so much a choice but something people are driven to in a moment of extreme pain. Just so you know my take on it, too. And thank you for your kind words about my son.
I would like to know a little bit more about you. What drove you to this level of despair? And you are not obligated to answer of course. It is people like you who shared their stories that helped me understand suicide and be able to heal although it will always hurt. But since you took the time to comment I figured I’d try and understand more about you. If you answer, so will I. Thank you again. Beckie. And I’m so sorry it’s been so bad for you.
I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder as well as a personality disorder. I am 44 and have been in a major depressive episode for about 2.5 years. My first major depressive order began when I was 22 and lasted about 2 years. It is not comforting to think of the times between as they always included the tug and awareness that it is all going to come back again.
I am not angry, I am befuddled that I can’t find the help I need. I have a spreadsheet of all the medication I’ve been on, spend what extra money we do have on meds and psychiatrist. I love my family, but despair does not even begin to touch how I feel. I have to hide in my bedroom so my kids (teens) and husband won’t see me cry or hit myself (which of course you know they know, then you simply feel toxic and burdensome, all rolled up with the rest of the pain).
It is a lonely existence and I wish someone, anyone, would just write a book on how to end your life with dignity, like any other disease. And of course, how to not damage your children beyond repair. Again, I am extremely sorry about your son, thank you for trying to help others.
Does anyone have any real advice?
I hate that it’s been so hard even when you’ve made such effort. Damn. Two years is a long time. I do have this resource although it may be not helpful after all you have tried. Free Book (kindle version) in USA: How to Not Kill Yourself: A Personal Guide for Embracing Life (author is anonymous). https://amzn.to/3wt4lQn
Thank you for your condolences, for sharing your story and helping me understand. If you could, tell me one thing about one of your children that is special.
I appreciate your efforts, but do you know how condescending this actually is for someone who genuinely needs help writing goodbye letters?
We help out terminally ill patients with end of life planning, but how are their loved ones any more important than our loved ones?
I am a mom of 2 biological children and one step child and I am devastated at the thought of the grief they may go through (obviously not the step child as much). I really want them to know how much I love them and would like someone more qualified to help put into words the facts that I did my best and that they can move forward without shame.
Why is it so outrageous to ask for this help? Suicidal people aren’t idiots, we know nearly 50k people in the US alone die each year from suicide, so why do we avoid the REAL HELP that we so desperately need, like end of life planning?
My shrink won’t help, you offer your sympathies, but our children need a little bit more than this.
I’m a 39 year old man who is the father of 3 amazing young people …two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer… two weeks later my wife left me for a guy she was seeing on the side she’s not a bad person but I feel got taken advantage of …. I have sense gotten better and am in remission I have tried to get outta the “funk” that everyone says I am in I have had full custody of the kids till now i have been trying to talk to her about how I feel and she seems emotionally there with me but is afraid to come back to home cause she doesn’t want judging from anyone I have since become a bit of a alcoholic not to the point where I am mean or anything but I do get comfortable in the drink I have tried to move on and grant her a divorce but for one reason or another she always puts a stop to it and for a moment in time I think we’ll maybe she wants to come back but it’s always a let down for me I sent the kids to be with there mom this week so I could think about everything. I have tried to put into words how I feel but it doesn’t sound right and am kinda lost on what to do I’ve never tried suicide but I feel like it may be the only real let go I have I don’t wanna die but I don’t wanna live without her anymore either the pain I had with cancer and radiation and chemotherapy is nothing in comparison to how my heart feels she was my high school sweetheart and the best 25 years of my life I know now that I’m writing all of this how it sounds like I’m just being whiny and sorry for that
First let me say thank you for putting your heart in this comment. I appreciate your trust. Man you have been through it. My heart hurts for you. I am a brain tumor survivor and I am with you. The Emotional pain, mine from losing my son, hurts way more that all the surgery and treatment. All that up and down had to get to you.
So would you say your thoughts of suicide are more intense when the kids are not with you?
No not really I obviously wouldn’t want them here but no
I was wondering if they served as protection somehow. I can’t fix all this. And it is jerking your heart all around. But I can listen. And I can respond. If that helps.
I don’t know honestly I feel lost all the time . I think when all the guys from work are doing thier shop talk I always wanted to be home I wanted her to feel that I loved her but anymore I just wanna feel something
And thank you for your time but it’s all just a bit to late
Well I am going to say that when we hurt we often push it away. So sit with the pain of losing her. The intense parts of any emotion lasts 60-90 seconds. There may be a couple of waves of that. But Suicidal thoughts often need someone who will listen. Just the fact that you hurt so much shows your capacity for love. And what you said about just wanting to be with her tells me that you are a good guy. And this shouldn’t have happened to you. Often when people are struggling with thoughts of suicide they have moments when they want to die to stop the pain and then a minute later they aren’t so sure about suicide. So you want to die at the same time you don’t want to die. Has it been that way for you? How would you describe ot if you could? And thanks for answering so far. I appreciate it.
Something about her always eases the pain and when I talk about pain I talk about muscle spasms general pain a lot of pain but something about the way she would touch my hand or me in general would ease the pain I hurt inside and out all the time
Wow. So she knew that you were probably struggling with other pain, too. I don’t know her obviously but I’m going to bet what’s going on with her right now has something to do more with her past and what happened to her at some point. She is obviously conflicted. It’s almost as if she thinks that going with a fresh start alleviates some unresolved something she has not dealt with and thinks that will make all of her own stuff go away. You happen to be the victim of all of this indecision and I think her stuff happened before you. The alcohol might numb the immediate pain but it does tend to keep people stuck in a bad place, unable to move forward and heal. But you already know that and I can see that from a previous comment. All you can do is let her know you care about her and decide a course of action for yourself.
I know one option you have is killing yourself. But since there is doubt about suicide, it is a good idea to explore other options since that one is so final. There are divorce groups and therapists that will support you through such times. Even if it’s not yet a divorce, it’s serious emotional conflict and when our emotions are so tangled we simply need more support because it’s hard to see clearly.
On another note, tell me something special about one of your kids.
My daughter is 16 and probably the most special person I know lives every day helping others she is the one that took care of me when I was sick and I mean that little girl cleaned vomit off the Ceilings or the hallway floor when I couldn’t make it to the bathroom when I would throw up from the radiation She never once complained she just kept telling me everything to be OK her heart is so selfless
Wow. I have met few teenagers who would do that. I’m going to bet she has a few of your traits. 🙂 Thank you for sharing. You got a lovely comment from someone else with similar struggles.
I am still here. I’m still listening. Let me know how you are today.
i’m so sorry about what happened. i’m undergoing a situation that is quite similar. you don’t sound whiny at all and you’re so strong for coming out and talking about it. not many can express themselves in a positive way. the love that you have from your kids is unconditional & it is such a beautiful thing. i hope they are enough to keep you going. i hope you regain custody if you don’t have it anymore.
Thank you G. What a thoughtful note. Made me cry. Let me know how you are.
I hope nothing but happiness comes through your door.
Thank you. Let me know how you are.
I am still here and still with the same contimplations just now more serious I’ve been thinking a lot since we’ve last spoke and still the same ideas
I’m glad you are still here but I am sorry you are still suffering so much despair. How has it gotten worse or more intense? Stronger? Or just more often?
Hi Anne.
I must say, you are a fantastic person. You are there and willing to listen, despite your loss. The world really needs people like you.
I am a 45 year old Norwegian. Hope it is ok for me to drop a few lines.
Some 5 years ago i got sick at work and was taken to hospital. They could not find anything wrong and sent me back home. Since that day I have not had a single painfree day.
It is wearing me down to the point where I keep wishing, when I am going to bed at night, that I won’t wake up again.
I have lost all joy in my work and my hobbies and mostly want to stay in bed since I have problems sleeping and is always tried.
I do not see my self as depressed, since all I wish for is a pain free life, but I find it troublesome living like I am now.
This really is hell and I feel I am running out of options.
And you have no medical answers either. It sounds like existing is very difficult and miserable. Not to mention relentless. I am so sorry it’s all such a mystery. That really is so unfair. Tell me about your pain and symptoms. If you wish to.
Hi Anne.
Hope you are doing well.
My symptoms are chronic headache, neck pains, chest pain, lower back pain and often numbness in arms and legs.
Also I suffer from some sort of fatigue that comes over me in the mater of minutes. It becomes hard to breathe and I get so tired that I just need to lie down. This can last for minutes or weeks.
The fatigue is maybe the thing that troubles me most, cause it makes it hard to take the children anywhere at all when I’m alone with them.
I have been well checked for heart problems and have had surgery to a sinus, hoping it would help for the headache.
I am also seeing a fysioterapeut regularly for exercise. It helps for some of the symptoms, it is obviously no cure.
So as I am beginning to lose hope that my condition ever will improve I have been contemplating my timely demise and the research brought me to your little corner of the internet. Please note that I am not in any immediate danger. I just don’t want to live like this forever.
The fatigue sounds like fibromyalgia or even neuropathy. What a nightmare to go through. Having been through having a brain tumor and many surgeries, I can relate in some level although my pain today isn’t like it was or anything like what you are dealing with. I am not about to pass judgment . Because I might feel the same if I was in your situation. I simply don’t know. I am going to share a post with you. Chris is someone you can connect with because he suffers a lot of daily pain too. Thank you for coming back and explaining. I wanted to know more about your experience. It helps me to understand. So thank you for that. https://annemoss.com/2019/04/25/complex-regional-pain-syndrome-the-suicide-disease/
I’m tired of feeling worthless, ending…
I am sorry you struggle with such despair. How long have you struggled with feeling worthless? And how often?
You truly are an angel from god. Your words alone are beyond helpful but your support, commitment, and true love & help is life changing. Thank you for all you have helped and those you will continue to help.
At this exact moment I sit in my car, cold, hungry homeless, hopeless, and lost. I have dealt with this since my mother’s passing 3 years ago. When she passed I was forced out of her house (was told it needed renovations and had to go on the market) with my 3 kids and nowhere to go and to find out a sibling moved in to the home days after whom already owned a home had a wife n kids and was finacially stable. My ex husband who is a narcissist had forced my family to believe I was on drugs and they all turned there backs to me. I guess depression from losing your mom/support/everything looks like that of an addict. But my ex is good at what he does and could convince anyone anything he wanted. I had lost all of mine n my kids things and also lost my kids and have not been able to see since. I have tried multiple times to get my life back on track and start over only to lose everything 2 more times and end up in a worse situation. My only support is my 2 & 1/2 yr old rottie pup. I have tried to stay positive and keep fighting but the pain, hurt, sadness, lonliness is unbearable. I have tried for every type of assistance and support in the state of Mass and RI to get nowhere not even a bed open in a shelter or one that allows dogs. My dog does cause allot of opsticles but wouldnt trade her for anything in the world. She is all I have had and all I got. Unless put in the similar situation people don’t care. This world is full of hate and selfishness. The pain I feel for my dog who deserves better, the pain of my kids losing there mother, the pain I feel everyday without my kids is to much. One way or another I will die in this car. Hoping sooner rather than later. Suicide is not selfish, it’s not someone looking for attention. It’s someone who is lost, hurt, sad, alone. We are existing not living.
I am in tears over how awful and cruelly you were treated. I ask permission to publish this ad a post and share your story. I know it’s true and I believe you, I hurt for you. And for not one second are you to feel guilty because I have shed tears. Be it won’t kill me and reminds me that I am human and not a narcissist or a sociopath.
And the words you spoke about your children and your pup are so dear. I feel your love for them. What a monster your ex is. It sounds like the grief also makes you feel you have no one to turn to. (Correct me if I am wrong)I am honored you shared your despair here.
Is this website still running? Can i tell my story?
Yes it is still running. I am listening…
hey i’m a 12 year old girl (i know a little young to have thoughts about killing myself)
when i try and tell people they turn me away without a second thought they just thing i’m a 12 year old who is playing jokes on them or is just trying to get attention..i’ve been through too much for a 12 year old. i was diagnosed with depression at 5 years old for a reason i wouldn’t like to explain and things have just been piling up and it’s getting to where i can’t handle it anymore! i just want someone who will help me and not turn me away, i need someone to talk to
ZoeyAnn- I believe you and I know you are hurting. I’m so sorry others have not taken you seriously. And that is especially distressing since you have been brave enough to tell more than one person. Can you talk to a teacher or school counselor? If you let me know your school and your city and state, I can help you find the name of the person. I’m here. You are not alone and if you reply, ask more questions, or ask for help, I will answer.
I am 14 year old female. I am not professionally diagnosed, but going on 3 years I believe I am depressed. I dont like that I am self diagnosed, but I have no choice. My parents would never take me seriously. Just today, my father was talking about how people with mental illnesses were just a bunch of weak pansies. My mother would just send me to church counseling. I am not religious, but I cant tell either of them that. Anyways, lately this emptiness has gotten much worse. I can barely find motivation to do my favorite things and I dread everyday coming in the future. I dont sleep well or eat well, and most importantly, I have been having more thoughts of suicide. School is starting again soon, and I will have to try to meet everyone’s impossible expectations for me. This includes expectations for sports, academics, and being social. Everyday, it seems more like my life, my choices, will never be my own. I cant imagine living through my high school years like this. It just seems a whole lot easier to end my life. Even if my parents let me have medication, I still dont think I could live up to their expectations for my future. I have never opened up to my family about my feelings, they are all conservative Christians who would say I’m just not believing in god enough. This is why I think I should open up to my friends about my suicidal thoughts and (self diagnosed) depression. I have been friends with these 2 girls for over a year and they are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But even then, if I tell them, what could possibly change? As far as I know, they cant get me medication or more importantly help my parents approve of who I really am and who I want to be. But still, I really want to tell them, because they deserve to know. I think that’s all I have to say, and I’m sorry if I didn’t do this right, this is the very first time I’ve opened up to anybody about this.
You did a lovely job of explaining yourself. When families are very religious they often do say that everything means you are not praying enough. That is just not the case and I suspect you do have what you think at least right now. I think telling your friends is a good idea. And ask them to help you tell a school counselor what’s going on. Be prepared that your friends also feel fear and overwhelm about going back to school. Most teens are very anxious about the return. You can also choose a teacher. But ultimately this will end up with the school counselor or social worker. You can get the name of that person over your school website. If you need my help I can help you snd your friends find that name.
You are brave and courageous to post this message. It tells me you have what it takes to get help for yourself. You can reply and I will gladly answer.
I am 15 years old and I identify as male. idk what to do. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety. as well as adhd and odd. I try to be a good person but I only hurt friends and loved ones even more. my ex pushed me to suicide about a month ago (we were still together at the time) and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that. And Tehya, If you are somehow reading this, I want you to know that you meant the world to me but you made me feel like shit and thats just facts. you didn’t like that I showed emotion an you wouldn’t let me show my affection anywhere except my house. hell, I would have done anything for you but would you do the same? f no. uk y. bc you never loved me. you even told me that in our first two weeks you were still w another guy. when you said that I’m thinking “wtf. why would you tell me that?” idk. the shit you’ve said to me makes me think it wouldn’t matter if I killed myself.
Skyler this experience sounds so painful. I am so sorry you feel this despair. How long were you all together?
hi anna i just wanted to let you know that i think you are very strong and you sound like an amazing person i hope everything works out for you. and Im so sorry your family isn;t as loving and accepting as you deserve them to be.
Anne-
I am so sorry for your loss. Even at hard times like this, if we help eachover out. How about we team up to tackle suicide? I think it will be good for the both of us. Please e-mail me at ajdyson33@gmail.
thanks
Thank you AJ. I think partnering is the way to go.
To all that feel like death is their only chance at freedom, don’t give up hope as I know you will fight through it. I know this as I once had suicidal thoughs but I opened up to my family and friends and they helped me through it. I know you can do it. If you tell someone, and I’m sure Anne will agree with me, is the first step to getting past it. So just tell someone. Please. If you need you could always speak to me. As someone who knows what it is like to want to kill yourself I know what your your going through. Feel free to e-mail me at ajdyson33@gmail.com and we can talk. Please. Tell someone. Thank You
AJ. Thank you. Talking to someone is so important. Having someone listen, the best.
My husband took his life two weeks ago and I feel totally lost without him. I feel like I want to join him as we were married for 25 years and I have not been without him for that time. Even the 5 years we were together before marriage I never left his side. I feel so lost and I can’t talk to my family as they are grieving and I do not want to upset them even more.
Chris- What I hear you say that living without your life partner has been devastating. I am so very sorry you are saddled with this grief. I do know how hard it is even if I lost a different member of my family. Figuring out how to put your life together after a loss feels so overwhelming. The questions like “How can I go on?” play endlessly. Tell me a little about your family. Have they been supportive? (Maybe they are still too stunned.) Since you brought them up, do you think they’d want to know you were hurting? Are they now asking themselves why they didn’t see his pain or couldn’t stop him from dying by suicide? At first, like my friend Gray who wrote on here that she felt obligated to live before she got to a place where she felt like being alive. I joined a support group. Gray, on the other hand, had to find a grief therapist. And she’s been with this therapist for seven years. And in that time I have seen her grow and heal. But she knows she still needs that support.
So two things:
Second, the two of you, or the one of you, reach out to the Samaritans (I see you are in the UK) 116 123. Ask for resources in your area, a LOCAL number to call. You can do this with a friend.
Two steps. I know you can do this. Who is that one person you can reach out to now? Thank you so very much for posting. I have healed emotionally and it was with a lot of support and a toolbox of coping strategies. And I feel there is a part of you that really wants to live. Reply and I will also. You are not alone. I’m here. I will answer. And I’m rooting for you and here for you. From one grieving soul to another.
I’m a 14 year old bi male and im forever being called for who i am and sometimes i just wonder if i even belong in this world because i feel like i dont. im scared to do it. please help me.
Antony- I’m so sorry you are feeling no acceptance from your friends and peers. But I also admire that you have been true to yourself. That’s very brave. It’s so painful at this age to feel rejection and it does trigger thoughts of suicide for a lot of people. I do want to share a resource with you and that’s The Trevor Project for LGBTQ youth who struggle with thoughts of suicide. They have a hotline, a text line and they have a private forum where you can discuss these issues with others who are going through them.
Here are the options: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/?gclid=CjwKCAjwkN6EBhBNEiwADVfya0m7XP234ifXmP0yChewbzw08rUFMVKy-74ICSplyd7c9hxTCNknERoCO2EQAvD_BwE
Your sexuality isn’t the defining part of you. It’s just one piece of a whole human being. I think it’s sad they can’t see the rest of you. But I do believe you will find your people who will support you and that’s important piece of navigating through the next few years. One young man I interviewed for my new book was in a very traditional all-boys school when he realized he was queer. He was terrified how his family would react. He found an affinity group through his school counselor to whom he went for support. An affinity group is private and has students who are also struggling with the same issues. He said the group and the school counselor saved his life. You can reply and write back. I will answer. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
My significant other took his own life 2 weeks ago, and needless to say I am devastated. There were no signs, no signals, nothing out of the ordinary with his behavior. I am so lost not knowing why he did what he did, just feels like a hole has been punched through me and I am finding it more and more difficult to find the desire to go on. That man was my world, we had this amazing future planned out and it was snuffed out in an instant. Therapy is not helping, already diagnosed with medication resistant CPTSD. Any suggestions?
Chris – I am so sorry. I know that feeling of painful grief. It sounds as if you had invested so much of yourself and your love in this relationship. And how you speak about him now speaks volumes about how much you loved him. I can help you find a support group. That helped me a lot. But for suicidal thoughts, you do need extra support. Where are you located (city, state)?
A support group I think would be nice, as I can only see my therapist every 2 weeks (busy due to the pandemic). I am in Phoenix.
It asks for a zip code. So put yours in the link below and it will list groups. Some are meeting in person. Some are meeting virutally still.
https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group/
Here is a listing of others, too. There is one in Phoenix.
http://empactsos.org/support-groups/
I know this is so painful. I couldn’t do it by myself and a group helped me a lot. I went to two of them. If you reply, I promise to answer. I don’t want you to feel you are alone.
The very last thing i thought id do is leave a damn comment for sure, Wow. I usually never ever, but i just want to say to i think your name is Anna or something im not sure but usually when people are on the other end so called talking suicidal people off the ledge or however u wanna refer to it as but you know what i mean, anyway usually the ppl or person on the other side in my opinion is saying allot if not ALL the wrong things that should be said to a person in this state, i mean someone who is seriously in this state, I was actually prepared looking/waiting to read something stupid, or judgmental,triggery basically the wrong words, I was very surprised and impressed, i can feel that your words what your trying to do with people is genuine and i know you’ve saved lives ma’am. -Honestly it did not work on me because im in a different place with mine right now and thats a different story but i just wanted to say keep doing what u doing ma’am. My life couldn’t be saved but it definitely made me smile and feel ok for a second just seeing what your doing. I wish you the best,
I’m grateful for your comment. And if you are still with us, if you survived the brain pain attack knows as suicide, do come back and comment. I will reply.
40 y/o man, alone, apathetic, depressed…I’m done. I have no family left, no kids, no job, no significant other, no human contact, no friends and it’s becoming an ordeal to pull myself out of bed everyday. Sometimes I just stay in bed all day and don’t get up. Earlier this week, I skipped Saturday…went to bed Friday night and didn’t get up until Sun morning. I have a therapist and take my medication but why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? To what end? It’s like getting hit in the headd w/a hammer. I turned 40 five days ago and I think I’m just going to shut it all down. There is literally nothing to stay alive for at this point and with this new way of social-distance-living firmly entrenched, the “metoo”prohibitions on approaching/talking to women, and my unbalanced personality, that is likely not going to change. And on top of it all, I honestly thought this article was about what to include in my note while in reality it’s just a sales pitch for whatever it is you’re selling. How fun.
Oh Joe how horrible it must feel to live with all those awful feelings and the lack of motivation on top of all that. I’m so sorry it’s gotten so miserable. I hear you saying that you no longer see the point in living. How long have you felt as bad as you do now?
I will start by saying that I am not making an living at this. Not even breaking even. And yes it is cathartic at times. But what has been most valuable is hearing from people like you. What it’s really like. It helps me and the rest of us with the why. It is through this blog that I have learned about depression. I have learned it’s like other diseases, it has to be managed daily. And that some depression is treatment resistant. We listen here. We don’t judge. And I am not judging you because how could I? I don’t have depression.
I don’t know why one person has to live with depression that keeps people trapped and then Someone else can take meds and it’s a lifesaver. I started this blog so people could speak their hearts. I have spoken from mine and you have spoken from yours. And each of us has listened to one another. That’s all I ask. I can’t fix your pain. I wish I could. But I do believe those with depression do possess gifts. So amid all that pain there is this amazing talent. And why someone would be blessed with such gifts at the same time they suffer such deficits is beyond my understanding.
I thank you for speaking your truth and taking the time to tell me how it is.
You’re welcome. Good luck w/ the book and moving those $25 t-shirts.
You are welcome. Good luck on the book and moving those 25 dollar tee shirts.
You’re welcome. Good luck moving the books and 25 buck t-shirts.
I made $5 on t-shirts last month so it’s not funding my passion for yachting. Because the book is through a publisher, I make $1 per book and have a program through which people can donate so others can get a book free. The t-shirts are to spark a movement and I never expected a big monetary windfall. I could get a lot for advertising on this site but I don’t trust the advertisers who have reached out and web ads are annoying and slow the site down. (I would consdier a credible newsletter sponsor). If it weren’t for my husband who lives through my mission, I’d be eating beans out of a can and sleeping in a tent! He didn’t lose his job during this downturn although I lost my income as a suicide prevention trainer for healthcare workers due to the pandemic. I am grateful he has his job still. But even if I did make a living speaking and writing books, I’d be OK with that. One day I might. But I can tell you I made a ton more as a digital marketer but didn’t have the heart for it any more. If you want to resent me, that’s OK. It means you are still alive. Those who are struggling with the level of depression you are can’t step into being mr paul positive skipping through some meadow picking daisies. So I don’t take it personally even in instances where it’s meant to be personal.
And these are available as on-demand printed shirts. The memorial ones were one time prints. https://www.bonfire.com/be-emotionally-naked/?productType=bacf6cd6-b53d-469c-ab96-02afe5b15f71 It is so interesting the comments I get when I wear these shirts. I love when they ask me what the site is about.
Hi joe , I love you .
You are so thoughtful, Paris. Thank you for commenting.
i hope i’m not too late but… get like a puppy or something the puppy would then need you. then you might get a feeling that you are needed in this world (you are with or without a pet). but keep your head up man. depression and mental illness has ruined my life and tbh i don’t know if i’ll live to see highschool. hopefully i can pass away knowing i helped someone stay alive, and hopefully that someone is you.
Very thoughtful. And I am here to listen to you, too.
I’m glad I found this article because this is something that’s been weighing on me lately. I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago, and it got better for a while but it recently started to come back. I keep having thoughts that everyone would be happier without me, and unfortunately it’s starting to seem more and more true every day.
I’m on the autism spectrum so it’s already hard to deal with a world that wasn’t built for someone like me, but feeling like this all the time makes it harder.
I keep having a hard time at work and disappointing my boss, my coworkers, and my customers. I had someone call me dumb over the phone, and another person told me the company was better before I joined it. People will tell me that this is just reality, but it’s hard constantly being told the same thing, that you’re dumb and socially inept, especially when it’s because of something you can’t always control. And on top of that, I have to constantly do manual labor while fighting endometriosis pain. I also have to keep pretending that I know how to interact with people when honestly I have no idea. And it’s the kind of job that pretty much anyone could do. I have a college degree and this is where it led me. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many of my problems I fix. Just when I think I have it right, I always turn out to be wrong.
I keep trying to reach out but it seems like no one cares or understands except for my therapist. I’m too scared to tell my parents because I don’t want them to worry. I tried telling my friends but they have their own problems to worry about and I don’t want to burden them any more than I already have. Besides, my best friend’s life is finally starting to get better, and after all the garbage she’s been through, I don’t want to make her life any harder. She deserves a lot better than someone like me. She deserves a real friend that can actually function.
I just feel like the harder I try to live, the worse things get for both me and everyone else. I’ve tried praying but it feels like God isn’t there anymore or like I’m being punished or something. I’m losing interest in things that I used to love, and my life is just starting to feel more and more pointless. I just feel like the longer I live is a bigger chance for me to hurt someone I love, so maybe leaving would be the best thing for all of them.
Am I scared to do it? Absolutely. I’m not even sure I want to. But I feel like I have to or else I’m being selfish.
I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow and he says I should try and be kinder to myself, but it’s really hard. I feel like I’m just constantly letting everyone down and no matter how hard I try, things just keep getting worse. I keep thinking that now matter how much they think they’ll miss me, in the end it’s better this way because now they won’t have me holding them back. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But sometimes I feel like I deserve it.
Abby. You might struggle socially but you express yourself so eloquently and beautifully here. I was crying while I read this. I would love to publish this comment to raise awareness. Anonymously of course. Let me know if I have permission. It’s very profound and from the heart.
My best friend is a teacher for students with severe autism and I am on the board for an organization that specializes in helping youth who live with autism develop social skills you speak of. So while I don’t live with it and cannot possibly understand how it feels, I get where you are coming from. Some people are cruel when they don’t understand and with both autism and suicide, we have a lot of education to do to help them. I want to also say that having a friend is pretty rare for youth and adults who live with autism and I am so grateful you have a friend and things have turned around for her. And because she has weathered a difficult time she will have developed more resilience and therefore I think she would be in a place to hear how you feel. Of course discuss with your therapist any strategies to keep you safe from suicide. Like me, I feel she would be honored if you shared your struggle and darkness.
I do believe you can and will find a job that matches your skill level and admire that you are doing what you have to now because it’s what’s available. I am sorry you have to do it despite the pain of endometriosis. That pain, the lack of connection right now are adding to your despair. Tell me more about your friend if you would. She sounds pretty special. (I already know you are after reading this)
Yes, you can publish my comment. Thanks for your kind words and I would be more than happy to talk more about my best friend. She’s absolutely amazing. We’ve been best friends for 3 years now, and we’ve dealt with a lot of the same mental health issues. I won’t go into too much detail with her issues because she may want to keep her information private, but I will say that she has been one of my greatest supporters. She’s extremely honest with me because she knows that will benefit me in the end, and she accepts me completely—not despite my differences, but because of them. She says if I were normal (i.e. neurotypical), I wouldn’t be the same person, and I agree. We’ve both been through a lot together, and I feel like she’s helped me a lot in my recovery, even though I’m hitting a low point right now.
First, thank you for permission. It will help a good number of people.
And wow. A friend like that. My best friend and I have been buddies since first grade which translates to forty years. I can tell her anything. And that’s been very helpful to both of us. Like you and your friend, we each accept each other where we are and both of us have faced big crises.
And second, do you think, given what you’ve told me about your friend, that she’d want you to share how you are feeling? How would she feel if you died and didn’t give her a chance to listen? And if the situation were reversed (and it may have been) would you want her to share with you? Let me know what you think. And thank you for the information and conversation.
Let me know how you are doing. I’m about to post your story. I want others to understand how difficult it is for those living with autism to feel included. So just checking in.
Hey.. am I really want to end everything hearing, feeling, breathing, talking really just everything.
I had a lot of bad things happen to me when I was young drugs, mother left, dad beat me and hurt me in the worst way possible.
My friend killed her self.
And I just being asking for something good to happen to me just one anything but every day the bad luck as people call it just keeps adding up and I dont know if I can take anything any more between people my evil father disgusting man.
I have been just looking for something to say other wise but I can’t find it.
Even the government of my country is fucked up and the “police” here to protect me except they bring me in a beat me and over and over and make me lose my dignity by taking off my clothes I’m “not” a piece drity people tell me but I sure do feel like it.
And that’s only half of the reason I want to die.
Please change my mind because I’m not to sure if i can do that for my self anymore i want to know someone cares cuase my mother didn’t she left 3 years old and my father has in my mind.
Also I used a fake name and gmail but I can see the emails on it
Oh my God William. Look at what you have survived. Anyone would feel terrible after all that. Seriously you are amazing what you have survived. I’m so sorry. The pain must be so difficult. I feel it in what you wrote. But that would crush any of us. Read what you wrote and understand you are a warrior. They can’t F-ing break you because you are a survivor and that has to be worth something. If you were here I’d give you the biggest, tightest hug.
What I can tell you is that your brain, your amygdala, is stuck now in a negative pattern and it’s not allowing you to see any beauty. So your efforts to see good stuff is just not possible without your retraining it. It’s slow and while it’s simple it’s not easy. You find something of beauty. It can be the smallest thing but make a habit of looking at it daily. You can even imagine what it is. Or you can think of one thing you are grateful for every day and spend five minutes in the present, not thinking about your past, the future–just your breath. Whatever works for you, it has to be done daily, over and over until your brain learns to see beauty. It doesn’t mean you wake up and your life is perfect. But I have to think you have a purpose after surviving all that. There has to be a reason because we need people like you. I can’t control what you do. All I can do is wish you the strength to work through all this and to find support. You could really use support. Let me know how you are doing, OK?
I always get told I’m pretty and I have no reason to be depressed. I have lots of friend, but I still feel alone. I know I am loved, but I don’t fell the same way. I think I should learn to love myself before I even think about loving anyone else.
Wow, Ashley you nailed it. You are exactly right. You have to love yourself first. And it is possible. I’m sorry people tell you those things. It invalidates your feelings. And I know you want to be heard. You tell someone and they just start reciting things to fix it when what they need to do is just listen. I have confidence you will be able to move from this darkness. I’m not saying it will never come back or that things will be bright and sunny. I can’t know that. But you do have a lot of insight. And do tell someone you trust. You may have already seen this but in case you have not. https://annemoss.com/2020/02/26/how-to-tell-someone-i-want-to-kill-myself/ Thank you for posting your comment.
I won’t tell you my age, I won’t tell you my gender or skin color…none of that matters. What matters is im human…just like you. Depression is something very real to me. Peace is something I strive for…yet…also perfection..acceptance.. I sit myself on the couch thinking…my life sucks…why…knowing the answer full well..get the fuck up and do something…an old dear friend from my high school days once told me..”your life’s awesome because you make it awesome” thinking this lately i can’t help but also think…”your life sucks because you make it suck”… ive thought about suicide…more than I’d care to admit..its like an uncurable disease…but one that can be managed…catch it you have it for good however we can help maintain it. Lately its been on my mind more than I wish…it can be dark…isolated…outerspace is dark..did you know when you see a star in the night sky…theirs a great chance its already burnt out. My point is…you may not see it now…but that doesn’t mean its not there. Even light can take time to make it through the darkness.
It’s like when it takes hold, it’s hard to shake it. Like it presents itself as an option. The brain can get stuck in a cycle and it’s hard to see the good stuff because the fog blocks it. It’s natural to want acceptance. Perfection I no longer care about but I can understand how others strive for it.
My son has a line in a song, “Even in darkness, sometimes sunshine shines through the blinds.” So it’s funny you said what you did. I will say that connection helps. And in this pandemic that’s a lot harder to find. Isolation intensifies the thoughts. Have you ever reached out for help? Told someone how you feel? And by the way, I’m honored you posted here.
I appreciate your sentiment, and the insight into how my loved ones may feel if I follow through with my plans.
I guess I see things differently, though. I’ve had major suicidal thoughts for 18 years now with every day being a battle. I’ve shared this battle with those close to me as well. They know I am depressed, that I am suicidal, that my dream is to be dead. I haven’t left them in the dark because I felt t wasn’t fair. That being said, I’m often met with condescending statements such as “it will get better” “you won’t always feel this way” “you have to be strong” “suicide is selfish”. It is rude and unrealistic to say that you know for a fact someone else’s life will get better, or that their feelings will change. On top of that, it may be selfish to commit suicide. But isn’t it also selfish to ask someone to stay alive who is in so much pain that they’ve wanted to die for 18 years? Is it fair or selfless to ask someone to continue that battle, not really knowing if it will ever end?
I do believe it’s possible that one day things may get better. The problem lies in that one more day living like this isn’t worth years cured. I don’t feel useless, or worthless, or unloved. I don’t feel as if I have nothing to offer. My problem is that despite having everything one should want in life, all I want is death. All I feel is sadness and pain. There’s nothing to be “fixed” or I would have done it.
I’ve done 10 years of therapy, both CBT and DBT. I’ve been on over a dozen pharmaceutical cocktails. I’ve tried homeopathic remedies. I’ve tried routine changes, circumstance changes, changing the people around me. Nothing changes how I feel inside. And now, I’m just tired. I’m tired of explaining to people why I can’t seem to be happy. I’m tired of being devastated I woke up to a new day. I’m tired of fighting every instinct I have in my body. I’m just so exhausted.
I feel so guilty about those I love, but at the end of the day if they truly love me back shouldn’t they try to accept my truth? Shouldn’t they make the effort to understand that maybe, just maybe, this is what’s best for me? Why is it that everyone else’s view of reality is the right one when no one can truly be in another’s head?
I wish there was a way to prepare and console my loved ones for my loss. I don’t want to just transfer my pain onto them. However, I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to stay living this life. I understand My brain is sick. If it was a tumour I would have the choice of how it’s treated, maybe even doctor assisted suicide. But when it comes to mental illness, it feels like our rights are stripped away. All were left with is judgment for not coping how others think is correct.
It’s a losing battle for those of us who are ill, and it’s a losing battle for those who love an ill person. It’s unfortunate that there is no true way to win.
I’m sorry for your loss, and appreciate your article. I hope that perhaps your son found some peace, and that you using this as a catalyst to help others is effective. Even if you help one person, his death is not in vain. And from the comments, it appears you have helped many. I just wanted to offer a new perspective.
I wish everyone that finds themselves here hope and happiness, whatever that means for you.
You are so spot on with this, That being said, I’m often met with condescending statements such as “it will get better” “you won’t always feel this way” “you have to be strong” “suicide is selfish”. It is rude and unrealistic to say that you know for a fact someone else’s life will get better, or that their feelings will change.
People just need to listen and not offer “the positive side.” They need to understand your pain and not dismiss it with glib comments. But alas they don’t know better. You can share this with your loved ones. https://annemoss.com/2019/12/10/they-said-theyre-thinking-of-suicide-what-now/ And you can give me feedback, too. I will listen because you, not me, have lived experience. And it’s people like you who’ve talked to me about suicide over the years that have helped me understand it’s not selfish but an act of desperation to end brain pain. And it’s comments from kind-hearted people like you who educate me and others.
I hear you saying that it’s wearing you down and you feel like you should have a choice to end your life if you want to. That you feel guilty and have tried many things to wash these awful thoughts away. Your efforts are downright heroic and far from weak. You have my respect for continually trying. How courageous and strong you are.
I can’t answer your questions but I can say that I don’t know what it’s like to live with chronic suicidality. When I wrote my book, Diary of a Broken Mind, my quest was to understand my son’s side and publish his lyrics in that book because it illustrated the pain you speak of and I wanted others to see that side, too. And to see our lives from his point of view as well, not just mine. I learned a lot from reading his work after his death. And I do wish I had shut up more and listened more. Listened without trying to fix, or show “the bright side” but to sit with someone in their pain and silence when it was needed. Even if it is uncmofortable. I’ve learned to do that now.
I can’t tell you your family won’t hurt forever. They will. I can’t tell you how your family will move forward or if they will. I just don’t know. But I hear you saying that is the quandary you also face. I’m guessing that this factors in your own pain. (That’s just a guess and do correct me if I don’t have that right.)
The point of this post is not to make one feel guilty but to present the other side of a suicide death and to offer resources that people can choose. And they do. So while I can’t fix what you are going through, I can read your words, try to understand, and be here to listen and try to understand from your point of view. Thank you for taking the time to write such a well thought out comment.
I turn 18 on Monday. And all I keep thinking about is how I am honestly surprised I’ve made it this far. I’ve been suicidal with multiple mental illnesses since I was six years old. I’ve been through hell and back to make everyone around me happy and safe and I feel so tired. I know that I’m loved. But there are days the “voices” and thoughts tell me differently. I am so tired of pretending to be happy and perfectly fine… I have a hard time keeping a smile on my face anymore. My mother is dying… I lost my own child… And my siblings resent me. It’s like I don’t belong anywhere. I moved out last week and even the people I moved in with can’t stand me… I think the only advice I can give to anyone is… Please do not make someone promise not to hurt themselves or end it.. Because when they urt themselves or they finally decide to die then the whole time they think about how they are letting you down.. It’s more painful then what they are doing to themselves…
Thank you for commenting. You have had a lot of pain. And I hope you give yourself credit for having survived what you have. My son called it “the mask of a clown” when he was hiding his hurt. It must take so much energy. And your advice on “contracts” is spot on. I think people don’t understand that suicidal thoughts are rational and they are not. I’m sorry you are hearing those voices. My son described those in his music. I hope you stay with us and I know that must sound very selfish.
I cant find a job. i have teid several staffing copanies that all they care for is their clients and NOT how the employees are mistreated or flat out in my case been discrriminated.
I am over 40 and a single male, ehite at thta. so NO ONE cares to hire bc they get more tax breaks to hire non white people. Add to that, that i am disabled Bc of my heart, PLUS I have MCS and that by itself is why i have not been hired (bc people think I must be crazy to not tolerate perfumes and smells). So fuck you, world, fuck you to my x and a fuck you to the places that refused to hire.
Man zeek. No wonder you are in pain, angry, and pissed off. What you have described is very frustrating. I hope it felt good to type out your strong feelings. Who in your life has provided support or friendship in the past?
Hi Anne and all–
Thanks for taking time to write this–and I am sorry for the pain you feel for the loss of your son. I wonder if you would be wiling to share what words your son could have written (suicide note which would may have decreased your own personal suffering? I’m not in pain (no more than any other human living/struggling with the joys and challenges of regular human things), I’ve just lived enough. I’ve been fortunate, loved, lucky, fulfilled. There is not sadness. It is not depression. It is just a choice. I did not choose to bring myself into this world-but I do have the freedom to choose when to die. i’ve just lived, seen, done enough already. Anyway–because, you’re right, I do have people who love me (with whom I have indeed shared these sentiments–though most don’t understand and just think i’m sad or it’s a phase) I would love your advice on what to write that may help to reduce the suffering on those who may not be able to understand and who may miss me.
You have a unique perspective to offer on this–so if you’d be willing, I would love any advice. I’m not looking for a ‘don’t do it’ or help for prevention- I’m genuinely interested to know what words, if any, may help console. (suicide note).
I’m sorry for your pain. (for privacy purposes, i will just post here and not leave an email. I hope you can understand.
I can say no note will stop the self blame suicide loss survivors impose on ourselves. And my son wrote something in his notebook but I don’t know if it’s the last thing or not. He wrote it in anger that his girlfriend had broken up with him. So it was not positive at all. I don’t really know what to say other than write from the heart. I wish I could say some magic words. But no words exist. Most who die by suicide don’t want to die and I do know that my son didn’t want to die. That’s what is particularly painful for us. Thank you for your condolences. I am sorry I am. It more help.
Thank you, Anne. I appreciate you.
You are welcome. And thank you for thinking about the ones who love you.
I’m lost 2020 has probably been the worst year for me in august of 2019 I tried suicide I survived I try my best to push but and this point it seems hopeless instead of cutting I turned to drugs thinking it would help me some how it did for a while until February 2020 when my grandma who was basically my mother pasted away it killed me I was numbing everything and everyone out and I started cutting again months went by and I finally was feeling better when my best friend basically my sister I’ve known her since I was a little girl die in august from a drug overdose this has killed me she was my first best friend and first girlfriend my heart still hurts from it and I blame my self almost Dailey if only I told someone she was doing that but I didn’t I never did I start cutting again deeper tho so I could actually be satisfied just as I started feeling better a couple days ago my aunt texts me to let me know that grandpa the husband of my grandma that past has past away and instead of calling me and seeing how I feel she only text me and my mom is in her own pain and I don’t want to bug her with mine but I feel so suicidal now it’s worse then before almost every night I lay awake until 4am crying myself asleep praying I’d just die already idk what to do at this point thank you for listening
Alex- So much loss you have suffered in such a short amount of time. I am so sorry you have had to endure one right after the other. I want you to know that your expression of such pain from loss demonstrates the amount of love you invest in your friends and family. So the waves of pain are actually episodes of extreme love. Many find the grief so hard to bear they numb it. Cutting is also a strategy many use to make their emotional pain more tangible. I only say that to help you understand the behavior. It’s often people like you who love and feel so deeply that struggle with suicidality. I have always wondered why someone who has such a beautiful personal quality would be inflicted with thoughts of suicide. But I digress. And the first and most important thing right now is to get you safe from suicide. Your anguish is real and serious and life threatening. For life threatening emergencies you can call 911 or go to the emergency room. Or you find a trusted adult you can tell. They can’t solve all your woes but what you want and need from that person is for them to listen. Without judgement and without fixing. Ask them to connect you with services in the community. Most counties in the US (if you are in the us) have a 24/7 mental health crisis line or suicide hotline. And this is the place to call because they will know the next step, usually an assessment. You have endured a lot. And you can do this to save your own life. I am so sorry for the way you found out in some cases and the amount of grief despair you have been hit with. You can reply. I will listen. I will answer.
Well I personally think it’s extremely selfish to suggest we stay around because people love us. If they loved us- they would want our pain to stop too
Kristi- I understand your point of view and I don’t think you should stay because of us. You are letting me know how you feel and I let you know how I feel about my son’s death in the video. It’s not a guilt trip but an honest assessment and some have never even thought they were worth it. I just want you to know you are. However, many who are thinking of suicide feel the world would be better off without them. That’s actually a brain that is lying to the person. And it’s considered an acute medical emergency where a person is not in rational thought. I call them brain attacks. I’m sorry you have them. And I appreciate your comment and point of view.
Thank you so much for posting this. Now if I’m being totally honest, as inspirational as this was, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a 16 year old(almost 17) female and I’ve been contemplating ending it all since I was in middle school…around age 11 or 12 I believe. I have a loving and supportive family and my friends throughout the years have been so amazing. But once i got to middle school I started getting really stressed out and things just started getting worse. And I’ve done my damn hardest to hold on and keep fighting but in the past couple years it’s becoming more and more impossible. School,friends,home,and all the factors in between have just kinda piled on and made it harder to keep going. I’ve noticed that recently it’s been really hard to even CONVINCE myself to get out of bed,whether it’s to go to school or just to go downstairs and join my family in their festivities. My grades have been dropping due to lack of motivation and I’ve unconsciously started this habit of pushing people away when I start getting upset. Two days after I turned 15, I got into an argument with my mom(who means the world and more to me) and when she went to work I bawled my eyes out, then I cut myself. Only a handful of people know that…no adults. My mother used to be a therapist or something along those lines, so when I told her the basics of how I’ve been feeling she suggested I might have anxiety and possibly depression, which also makes life harder for me. The only reason I’m still here is because not only do I care too much about my loved ones to hurt them like that, but also what you went through. As I previously mentioned, my mother means the absolute world to me so I can’t put her through that pain after everything she’s been through. And I couldn’t possibly leave my 7 year old sister without her older sister to help guide her. But lately,within the past couple of weeks, it’s become a whole lot harder to convince myself to keep going. It’s gotten to the point where I STARTED writing suicide notes, and an unofficial plan to end it after I graduate. And I know you’ll probably say to talk to people about how I feel but I don’t want to put all that on my loved ones, and my mom is trying to find a psychiatrist for me, but I don’t know if I want to do that either, for my own personal reasons which I’d prefer not to share. But I really just don’t know what to do anymore. All I’ve been able to do is cry myself to sleep at night, and tell everyone that I’m fine, and when they don’t believe me and further question me, I undermine it and make it seem like I’m more okay than I am. I just feel like I’ve been fighting a battle against myself since middle school and I’m slowly losing. Also, this is not my real name, so please forgive me for not giving that information out.
Jordan you are so strong. I can’t imagine battling those difficult and painful feelings for so long. First, thank you for honoring me with your story. So let me ask you a few questions. Which do you think would be worse for your mother.
Finding you dead by suicide? Or hearing you tell her that you have suffered thoughts of suicide?
I can tell you which one I wanted. After you’ve thought about that some, let me ask you this.
If you have written anything, how about your sharing that with your mom. I think she is right. That you suffer from depression. And my son refused medication. I would just like to ask that you remain open minded about all types of treatment. There are things like Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). You have such love for your family. What you have is treatable. But what’s important to make it worthwhile is you working with your family to get the best. Here is a link from a young lady who was struggling as you are: https://annemoss.com/2016/05/20/many-lives-can-save/
Hey, I feel like I am going to be the wet blanket of the commentators, but… I have hit the point where leaving makes more sense then staying. Distance from method and worry for others so far has stalled me out of two attempts thus far, but that’s the thing, everytime you fail to carry it out, you are left at square one, a failure. “let our lives be short for our shame will be too long.” I have aspergers syndrome and suicidal thoughts since the age of 8, and they are not going away, they are not GOING to go away becasue this is brain wiring, its not something that can be ‘fixed.’ And as far as the social metrics that force you to hate yourself and live in shame, time to time, the very people you want to stay alive fore the sake of become active participants in those very metrics. they are supportive of you and consistent, until they are not. that’s the reality, they believe in ideals they hold you to till they decide to break them.
You look for the things that bring you fulfillment, but you need much investment in those things in order to actually survive, even in acquiring a marketable and rare trade skill, you still are paid below a living wage simply becasue your so-called “empathetic employer” can. you are too far gone to pursue the dream you put off, you have no significant others or off-spring to worry about, and the world is getting shittier with or without you. “if you weren’t here, everything would just go one anyway, that what you learn then why do you stay?” I have asked myself that question and honestly its always a fool’s hope a gamble and a hope to find fulfillment and acceptance, all fall short of the metric everyone else is a part of. There is no socially acceptable space to talk about your pain, or to have pain at all, everything needs to be light, or hunky dory, the 60s nuclear family, or a fucking disney movie, no one has the stones to simply REAL!
So you bottle it up to spare everyone else discomfort, this becomes the natural result. People NEED a natural not artificial consequence to actually learn, otherwise they will rationalize it and not learn a thing. The taking of hope from others the judging and the metrics in which we are measured by, its going to lead to this, and it shouldn’t be shamed. You make think its cowardly but honestly its as ultimate a show of agency as a person can demonstrate. Its the only way to take their lives back from the world, taking away its punching bag ruining its fun. We are humans, we kill, we bully, we torture, we exploit, demonize enslave and yet are totally cool with it largely, yet for some reason everyone seems unanimous against people ending their participation in that cycle. we’re taking away their fun, revealing just how shit things really are. its the only way humanity fucking learns.
If the pain outweighs the gain, what’s the point? yes, I worry it will hurt family, but I have told them about my pain, how they went out of their way to push me to the brink the two times I attempted. if they think I am being dramatic, this is the reason to commit.
I am doing one last made blind stab int he dark for a hopeful change, chances are slim, but I am trying. if not… well I have a note with my account numbers for my mother back at home. its a shitty thing to gamble on, but everyone says there’s reason to live, and never elaborate.
I have to say that you are a brilliant writer. Maybe that’s an odd thing to say right now but you express yourself so well I can feel it. This sentence especially “There is no socially acceptable space to talk about your pain, or to have pain at all, everything needs to be light, or hunky dory, the 60s nuclear family, or a fucking disney movie, no one has the stones to simply REAL!” I totally get that.
After my son killed himself I wanted to point blank shoot people who gave me some sunny promise he was “in a better place.” To a mom, there is no place better than next to me on earth. And I wanted to say, “Well let’s just see if that holds true. Maybe you tell yours to do himself in so he can be in a better place.” Of course I didn’t The bitter side of me wanted to. I am now admitting to you that I had those thoughts which I’m not proud of. Here’s the thing. How I got through my shitty days after my son’s suicide, and Good God it was BRUTAL for three years is believing I would. Somehow.
I felt like I had something to leave in terms of a legacy and I was not done. Right now, reading what you’ve wrote, I feel you have something more important to do before dying. No one understands those who have autism. They don’t get that you really do feel. I know you do. And clearly you express it here. I want you to write for me. for this site. This is a site where you can keep it real. The ripple effect of your leaving will be far more reaching than you’d ever imagine. Not that that should be your only incentive. But you have talent. There is only one you. And if you leave you take all of that with you.
Are you still with us? If so, for your same reasons, I’d like to communicate with you.
I understand you. I’ve tried to reach out to my family several times about my suicidal thoughts as a cry for help and I’ve been told a few times that I’m just saying that as a threat and I should grow up. The more I hear this , the more I’m motivated to just do it and be free. I’m 38 years old so I don’t know how much more I need to “grow up”.
Oh man I can’t stand when people imply that you are just trying to get attention. It’s so frustrating. How else does someone get help? But it’s so dismissive. I am so sorry your cries for help have met that response. Ok. Let me tell you where they are coming from so you understand the response. They Can’t imagine that life would be so bad they would kill themselves. And they do not know what to do so they respond in a way that is dismissive and unhelpful. They are unaware it is a life and death situation and that they should help you save your own life. I think you are brave to have asked for help.
So what to do next. Is there someone outside your friend group you can trust? Is there a local hotline to call? These days hospitals and police are last resorts when suicide is imminent. For example someone has a firearm in their hand and their behavior is erratic. Most hotlines want to work on a next step with you. Is the other trusted friend or local hotline options available for you? If you post city and state I can help you search. If you are in the US.
Hello my name is James I’m 43 my wife and I recently seperated in February 2019. We’ve been married for 15 years. We have 3 children together. Since this separation I’ve relized how I messed this marriage up. I didn’t always cover my wife and children with love. I was controlling angry, critical. I verbally abused my wife and children. Since this has all happened I’ve started to go to counseling and learned that I have ADD and started getting treated for it as well as anxiety. I have been working on being a better father and hopefully a better husband. My wife has placed a protective order against me and has stated to family and friends several times that she is done 15 years is long enough she’s not taking me back. Like I said I started to get help I have been trying to fight for my marriage and family trying to trust God that he will restore my marriage and family. I’m losing hope I think she maybe already seeing another man? I’ve been thinking that I’m better off not being here. I have to go through supervised visitations the state that we live in has cleared me of any neglect and harm to my children. I’m ready to meet my maker! I messed thia marriage up and I’m so sorry If I could have 10 minutes of that February night back? God only knows. Thanks for listening.
James that is heartbreaking and I feel your pain in your words. I am so sorry you are going through this. Furthermore I am so glad you are getting help. Ask your therapist is there is a men’s support group. I know how much it has helped me. Accepting that we can’t change how another feels or an outcome is hard. So let’s first look at what you have. One you have two children and although supervised, you get to see them. Can you make them the focus for now? How would they feel if you died? You may not think it matters or that you matter. But I can tell you that when I lost my son I would never survive.
Each day I woke up I told myself it would never be as bad as getting the news and I just told myself I would survive. I didn’t know how but I told myself I would figure it out. And I told myself that one day I would love again, live again, laugh again. Keep working on you right now. Give yourself credit for something seventy five percent of your gender would never do and that’s get help. Your are welcome to reply. I will answer.
You’re a very kind person, Anne. It’s very sweet of you to take the time to try and keep people from making the mistake and ending their lives. But I would like to share my current feelings as well.
I’m a 15 year old girl and I’ve been dealing with anxiety and low self esteem for a while now. It’s only getting worse and I’m pretty sure I have depression. I’ve been so stressed in school, not just with work but also because of low self esteem and my anxiety. I’m always tired, not just physically tired but also mentally tired. I literally hate myself in every way. I feel so ugly and disgusting, I can’t even look in the mirror because it makes me sick. I make myself want to throw up. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends who always tell me that they think I’m beautiful, but I don’t believe them at all. I feel like I’m annoying and not worth anything. I feel like I cause so much stress in my family and things would be better if I just didn’t exist. But at the same time, I fear death. So I’m not sure if I’m really suicidal, but today I did write a suicide note. I wasn’t actually going to kill myself, I just wanted to see what I would say if I were to make a suicide letter. Let’s just say it broke my heart reading my own letter. I’ve been raised in a broken family, but I love all of my sisters and they’re always for me. I honestly continue to live for others, but not for my own being. But it seems I have gotten more sad and I always feel alone because I never get to see my sisters since they have all moved out, including the sister I’m closest too. I now live with my dad and my two younger siblings and it’s honestly chaos. My dad isn’t the best father and he makes it hard to live with. I just sit in my room and cry most of the time, wondering if life is even worth it. I’m sorry I feel this way but I really needed to get it off my chest. Thank you so much Anne for what you’re doing, and if you’re someone who’s planning on killing themselves, please don’t. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you’re not alone. All of us are going through things and if you can’t find a purpose, maybe our purpose is to help each other through this world. Thank you for taking the time to read this (:
Hali. This is so beautiful. I am so sorry you suffer from depression. I would like to use this as a blog post using only your first name. Let me know if that’s ok. You have such an important message here. It’s hard to believe it was written by a fifteen year old. It hemorrhages beauty. So even not seeing you, I think you are beautiful for opening your soul.
By the way, My niece and I will be writing an ebook to help students start a mental wellness club. She suffers from depression and has told me it was the single most important thing she did.
Thank you so much Anne! And of course you can use this as a blog post! That means so much to me that you think it’s so beautiful it’s worth to post as a blog <3.
And you’re writing an ebook? That’s amazing! I wish you two luck on it and I hope your niece gets through her tough battles of depression. Tell her that I also am suffering, but I know me and her can get through it. I have faith in her (:
I have written several ebooks and a real book. The real book, Diary of a Broken Mind, comes out in October 2019. Thank you for allowing me the honor to use your beautiful words. They radiate hope and I hope you can get the help and support you need. Because depression is an illness like any other someone might suffer and it needs to be treated. We need people like you.
I’m just gonna die and leave everything all for people who are alive..
Peter. I hope you are still with us. I am sorry you are experiencing such extreme pain.
I am so sick of these random people telling me I matter. They don’t know me, their opinion is meaningless as it changes nothing about my situation, and they lie to me. Nothing can change my mind from going through with this, and all I want is to say bye properly. You told me you know how, but you don’t. Can anyone tell me before I just skip it and go hang myself already?
I don’t know what it’s like to feel the pain you do. I only know the pain of having lost someone to suicide. And I know people who have attempted and are now grateful they are alive. Feelings are temporary. Joy, sadness, anger. It’s a long shot we are all born. And once you go, you take your potential with you. I am not a random person. I don’t put myself in that category. I have endured too much. But I have also managed to move forward, integrating the sadness of having lost my son. I can’t control you or any other human being. But this page is my effort to make people hesitate. I hope you will too.
i hope you are still with us
Just reading through comments thinking I can find a way to stop this suicide thoughts from my head but all I can say is it’s not working. There are times I hang out with a friend thinking I’ll feel better about my life but once they’re gone, I come back to being alone with dark thoughts running through my head. I cry almost every night and I’m crying writing this. I have a pen and a paper, about to write a suicide note but all I can see online is sites telling me not to kill myself. I’ve been battling depression for more than 3 years now and the only thing that keeps me going is me thinking of everything will be better and I’ll be in a better place but it’s taking much time. I don’t have plenty friends to talk to and laugh with because I’m a private person. I’m a loner. There’s this insecticide in my room I’m thinking of getting a knife and cutting the lid so as to pour it in a cup to drink. There’s no blade, would have cut my wrist. Lol… I guess this is my suicide note after all
Oh I hope I got to you in time. You do matter. To me even though I don’t know you. My son felt that way when he was alone. I didn’t know. I wish so much he would have told me. But he didn’t. I wish he would have allowed himself to be treated because it does work. But he didn’t Mental illness can be treated. I hope you give life a chance. Come back and let me know how you are please.
Dear Anne,
I wanted to write a letter to my husband and kids to try and ease their grief or any guilt they might feel about my choice to die; it is not their fault and I need them to know that and be ok.
I’ve suffered through depression most of my life. I’m 47. And I’ve always, somehow fought through it and managed to keep going. This time, however, I feel different. I have taken stock of my life and it’s full of regret. I wish I’d been a better mom, a better wife, sister and friend. But I haven’t been any of these things. I wish I’d made the world a better place and been someone I liked or could be proud of.
As my depression worsens, I’ve become a burden and great source of pain and confusion to my husband. He knows that something is wrong and he is trying to reach me, but I can’t put him through any more of my pain. Do you understand? He deserves to be happy and I can’t make that happen.
I know that my suicidal will hurt those in my life, and I’m trying to find a way to lessen their hurt. I need to find a way to do this so I can die in peace.
Thank you for providing this outlet and listening,
Mary
Mary. First of all thank you for all the detail. What a struggle you have had. And that incessant brain pain. All we can do as loved ones is help them keep themselves alive. There is a part of you even when you wrote this that’s is fight to stay alive. I hope I can speak to that part of you too. I am honored you shared your pain here so eloquently. Do come back and continue the conversation. I am here to listen.
I am in an immense amount of pain. Physically. Cant do anything about it without losing my job. I have been divorced twice and have 5 kids that 2 of them like having me around but the others ask when I am going away. I am supposed to pick my youngest up from daycare today and I just want to go take the information to my ex and give her that and a note and tell her I love her and I’m sorry and end it. I want to write out to my kids that it isn’t their fault. I want to write to friends I walked away from years ago and explain. I dont want help anymore. I’m tired of being tired and dont want to go through with this fight anymore
Jim I am so sorry you are in such pain. I do so appreciate your taking time to write your comment and share with me the intensity of your feelings both emotional and physical. My son was in both physical and in emotional pain–a horrific combination. I hope that somewhere inside you something happens today, even if it’s a small thing, that rekindles that pilot light of hope. I’m pulling for you, even if you are not right now.
I am 10 yrs old nobody cares about at all I have no friends I want to kill myself I’m crying at night what do I do
John I am so sorry. You sound so miserable. Can you tell an adult how you are feeling? You can keep commenting here. I am here to listen. Please stay with us. How you feel can be treated so you are not so miserable.
There is also the text crisis line 741-741.
I want to commit suicide because I don’t have objectives in life, for any reason I don’t have passions or goals to be alive for. I don’t have friends, only some colleagues that pretend to be worried about me, but actually my death would affect them very little. They don’t care about my life actually, they were learnt that good Christians have to care about anyone’s welfare, it is nothing personal.
What’s the reason for keeping live for no reason, just because we’ve learnt that living is correct.
When I was a child I was used to dream about having a family with wife and children and a good career, that didn’t happen specially because I am gay and I have a empty box of dreams.
I wish soon I have enough courage to take my own live. I’ll be sorry for the few people that care about me, but that’s life, some day it would happened.
Verissimo- First, thank you for taking time to comment and tell me how you are feeling. I hear that you are not feeling worthwhile and I am sorry you feel that way. I’m going to tell you that I care and you are welcome to tell me more. The ones who do care about you will never get over it. That much I know. Let me know your age and if you have a partner. If you are OK with that.
I’m so upset with the way my life has been. I just want it all to go away.
I am so sorry Mike. Tell me what is going on.
I want to kill myself. Can someone tell me how to write a good suicide note please?
Bianca tell me what to s hurting.
I’m trying to figure out the best way to wright a suicuide note and somehow it brought me here can someone give me advice or point me in the right direction? The sooner I get this done the sooner I can get this over with!
Please don’t Kyle. Kill yourself I mean. And here is a note my friend Anna wrote to herself. She started off writing a suicide note. https://annemoss.com/2018/12/31/why-should-i-stay-alive-when-i-want-to-kill-myself/
My mom always says to study. I don’t want to study. Every time I try to study I get frustrated. I have nothing choice left other than suicide.
Rashik. School is boring these days. It’s because of the standardized testing. That will change in the next few years as it always does. Please stay with us. I understand your pain and the pressure from parents these days for achieving. It is overwhelming. If you check out you take your gifts with you and we are cheated out of you and what you can offer the world.
My college trimming is soo long
I have not any way to join. It was 20 km long..
And i have not any facility to go to my college.. due to certain issues…
My college trimming is 7am to 7pm…
What i will study or do extra work on remaining time..
I am sorry Siddarth. What I think you are saying is that you are having a diff time with college training? Keep talking. I am listening.
Just because I looked up how to write a suicide letter does not mean I have people who care about me. Not even close. But that does not mean I hate them. You can have someone hurt you badly and still care about them. Trust me…I do not deserve to live any longer…I am a burden and a failure…no one cares…not even the crisis help line… I am sorry about your son I know what it is like to lose someone you love too.
Tell me what happened when you lost someone you loved. You can talk about your hurt here. Talk to me. I’m so sorry you feel so badly.
Hi. I want to commit a suicide as the situation of me and my wife is not at all good. She has left me about a week ago. I don’t want to live anymore. I want to die that’s it.
Oh Divanshu I am so sorry. I can understand why you are devastated. That’s a major change in your life and you are grieving. I wanted to die after my son’s death because I just couldn’t see how I was going to survive after his death. But little by little, I did come back to life. I wrote a lot which is why this site has over a thousand posts in two years. I ran a lot, too. It took a while, I went to a lot of support groups with other people but I finally feel like I do want to live. I hope you do, too. My soul is rooting for you. There is only one you and if you died you would take all those gifts with you. Do reply to let me know you are OK for now.
No one cares about me……………at all
Well, I do. I know I don’t know you. But I do care and you can tell me what’s wrong. I will reply.
Before you have enough time to reply to this comment I will already be dead… so don’t waste your time…
I hope I am in time. Will you reconsider? Tell me about it?
Thank you.
You are welcome. You do matter. And it’s so kind of you to post your comment. I’m grateful you did.
What if you did tell your parents and they didn’t do anything or ask you more about it?
I usually tell young people to write it in a letter. You have to be very definite and here’s why. Because as parents, we just can’t believe things would be so bad, our child would want to kill themselves. It takes a while for it to sink in and for them to realize it’s real. That’s because we as parents think we are doing a reasonably good job and tend to take it personally at first even though it has to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain. This is an article I wrote that offers some instruction on how to tell a parent and write that letter. https://themighty.com/2016/12/how-to-tell-your-parents-you-want-to-die/
If they STILL are not on board with helping you find help, reach out to a school counselor or teacher or an adult you like and trust.
You can call and talk to someone just like you who has felt just as you do. Here is the national one. This is a peer network. 1-866-400-6428
There is also a crisis text line: 741-741. And I’m just saying if that feeling hits you before that letter gets written. Or in that moment, come back here and comment. I might answer a few hours later but I will answer.
Thank you for having the courage. And it is very brave.
Thank you for all that you do, Anne. Sending you my love. This is definitely not an easy topic to blog about.
Thank you Nicole. This one was not easy to write. But I know people search the phrase and I want them to land here where people care.
Why doesn’t my family love me? I try and I try and I try. Nothing ever works. They make fun of me, call me names, hurt me, I’ve tried to tell people, they all don’t believe me, I’ve told my “friends”, they all say I’m making it up. I’ve tried to commit suicide three different times. Why the hell won’t they let me leave this hell of a world? “Sick of crying, tired of crying, yes I’m smiling, but inside, I’m dying.”
Of course you feel terrible after treatment like that. I am so sorry you have had to endure this thoughtless treatment. I apologize on behalf of your friends and family for not taking you seriously your cries for help regarding your pain. I also understand you are NOT “doing this for attention.” Your pain is real. I do think because you have cried out for help before and unfortunately it was met with the attitude you described, there is a part of you that wants to live. Since there is uncertainty let’s not make a rash decision and end it all because that part of you does want to stay and make a better life for you. Which is entirely possible. Right now I want to help keep you safe. So reply here. And we can talk this out. I am here to listen.
Smart! Home run again, that I hope will help many others!