Right after Charles’ suicide, the only way I got through those first few weeks after my family left was to remind myself that it will never hurt as much as it did when we got that unbearable news.
A few months later I thought “getting better” or moving forward would mean I wouldn’t think of him every day. Then that thought would frighten me. But I do think of him every day and now I know I always will.
There are so many times I feel like a kite on a tight string in a high wind flapping furiously in circles–ready to snap any moment.
What am I here for? What does my life mean? Where am I going? Does what I did yesterday even matter? Like I said, flapping in the wind, circling the drain, swimming upstream.
I’m tempted to run towards shiny objects because my heart hurts and I’ll do anything for a distraction from that. Like Charles, I crave to be around people and friends but I realize it’s not always possible.
I try to stay focused and intentional so I don’t feel like the circling kite. For that to happen, I have to remind myself of what I am grateful for to pull me back in sync.
Today I’m grateful for Richard–his ability to ground himself and follow his dream as a filmmaker.