by Jamie Smith
If you know me, you know that I’ve only shown you what I want you to see, mostly happy stuff with some dark stuff sprinkled in, but not too much. And only a little a time.
Sometimes my feelings are so heavy that it is hard to breathe. During these times, I may try to reach out by text, phone or email.
It may not be clear by words that this is what I’m doing, but after some small talk, I may bring up something deeper. Please know this is huge for me as my natural tendency is to isolate. Please know that if I am comfortable enough to reach out, I need you.
My first thoughts of suicide came when my fiancée told me he didn’t love me anymore and left. This relationship was destined to fall apart because it was my chance to escape from a turbulent childhood that I had never dealt with.
It was to be a fresh start. When it ended, I spiraled downward into a deep depression which lasted for many years and left me questioning where I fit in. My depression was managed with anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications which left me feeling numb.
I’m currently off medication, deciding to give therapy and some other support groups a try. It feels like most people stay on the surface, careful not to go too deep. I have an inner soup that is always at the surface and ready to boil over with a moment’s notice. I crave connection and do not know how to voice that.
My most recent thoughts about suicide were very recent. They scared me so much that I immediately addressed it.
These feelings often return and I have programmed the Suicide Hotline in my cell phone. I never thought that would be me. I would like to think that there is a greater purpose for my pain. I hope that by sharing this it will help one person or maybe someone will reach out to me that needs support.