How I keep myself safe

by Jamie Smith

If you know me, you know that I’ve only shown you what I want you to see, mostly happy stuff with some dark stuff sprinkled in, but not too much. And only a little a time.

Sometimes my feelings are so heavy that it is hard to breathe. During these times, I may try to reach out by text, phone or email.

It may not be clear by words that this is what I’m doing, but after some small talk, I may bring up something deeper. Please know this is huge for me as my natural tendency is to isolate. Please know that if I am comfortable enough to reach out, I need you.

My first thoughts of suicide came when my fiancée told me he didn’t love me anymore and left. This relationship was destined to fall apart because it was my chance to escape from a turbulent childhood that I had never dealt with.

It was to be a fresh start. When it ended, I spiraled downward into a deep depression which lasted for many years and left me questioning where I fit in. My depression was managed with anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications which left me feeling numb.

I’m currently off medication, deciding to give therapy and some other support groups a try. It feels like most people stay on the surface, careful not to go too deep. I have an inner soup that is always at the surface and ready to boil over with a moment’s notice. I crave connection and do not know how to voice that.

My most recent thoughts about suicide were very recent. They scared me so much that I immediately addressed it.

These feelings often return and I have programmed the Suicide Hotline in my cell phone. I never thought that would be me. I would like to think that there is a greater purpose for my pain. I hope that by sharing this it will help one person or maybe someone will reach out to me that needs support.

6 thoughts on “How I keep myself safe”

  1. Jamie…thank you for sharing and for being so honest. Anne Moss…grateful she has a way to express her feelings….Keep reaching out Jamie, and know that when you speak others are listening and care….don’t ever, ever give up….you are a precious human being

  2. Jamie, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this sorrow, self doubts & thoughts of self-harm. I know first hand how difficult it is to lose the one you planned to build your future with. But it could be viewed as a blessing that you found out before the vows & children were possibly in the picture. Thank you for baring your soul to us. You obviously have a lot of insight into your own feelings since you have entered therapy & keep that Suicide Hotline handy. I admire your courage; God bless you.

  3. Jamie, such beautiful, transparent words. I hope you will find that deeper connection you crave. I know you are helping others in your openness and honesty. Thank you.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story and struggles. You are most definitely helping others. May God bless you and comfort you!

  5. Jamie, Thank you for being brave enough and open enough to share. We are taught to do the opposite…to hide our pain and just count our blessings. By setting the example of openness you have likely saved someone or many. I am so glad you did not end your precious life. 💕 You have a purpose and I know there are so many people who love you.

  6. Such a brave post! Thank you for sharing your struggles and pain. My hope is that you can leave these feelings behind and if not, that you can manage them as well as you are right now. I am no therapist, but it sounds like you are on the right track! IMO this blog helps the ones thinking about suicide or the ones who have been left with the void from a loved one dying by suicide. I care, and pray you find peace.

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