I wanted to know what he was going to be


I was so curious. What would Charles become one day?

He was so quirky, funny, animated.

I struggled seeing him as an adult. But still I pondered and I wondered.

That’s what we all do, right? Wonder what our children will be one day. It’s the great reward.

When things got bad, I thought they’d get better.

He was the kid that romanced the camera. Owned the stage when he was on it. Life of the party when he walked in. The center of my universe. Charles was pure bubbling joy on two legs.

I was a stay at home mom. So I could get it right. It was hard for me to stay home and I can’t say I was a natural.

I also thought staying home would make a difference.

There was another reason I stayed home. Only I didn’t know it. That time I had at home with him is so precious now because it was all I got. And I was there for every milestone.

I am so sorry

Published by

AnneMoss Rogers

AnneMoss Rogers is a mental health and suicide education expert, mental health speaker, suicide prevention trainer and consultant. She is author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW. She raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost her younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. She is a motivational speaker who empowers by educating and provides life saving strategies and emotionally healthy coping skills. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now that's the legacy she carries forward in her son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website.

4 thoughts on “I wanted to know what he was going to be”

  1. You did all the right things and I ‘m so glad you were home with him. Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. I know that’s not the exact quote, but that’s what you had and we all must have. So sorry you had him for only 20 years but you are keeping his memory alive and have helped so many others. Thanks, as always.

  2. Five months and it just doesn’t end. The rehashing at every angle every aspect of their lives up until ‘it’ happened and dissecting my part in it …. I wake up every night, lay in bed or just get up and try to ‘figure it out’. The beautiful moments, the childhood, triggers, mistakes I made that became his triggers, all his suffering, my suffering watching him suffer, the last weeks- should’ve seen it coming and the ‘ending’ unbearable to go there but I do…. I know they wouldn’t want this for us. Josh made that very clear on his videos to me the night before he died ( search Joshua Giannini on this site) but its involuntary. And continuous. And I’m hoping it ends or lightens up , it’s so tiring.

  3. Thank you for sharing another picture of your children. I would think our “village” would also wonder what Charles would be as an adult. At least you raised him knowing and learning his personality, beliefs, intelligence, humor, and humanity. At least memories will retain and recall your togetherness with him.

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