I wanted to know what he was going to be


I was so curious. What would Charles become one day?

He was so quirky, funny, animated.

I struggled seeing him as an adult. But still I pondered and I wondered.

That’s what we all do, right? Wonder what our children will be one day. It’s the great reward.

When things got bad, I thought they’d get better.

He was the kid that romanced the camera. Owned the stage when he was on it. Life of the party when he walked in. The center of my universe. Charles was pure bubbling joy on two legs.

I was a stay at home mom. So I could get it right. It was hard for me to stay home and I can’t say I was a natural.

I also thought staying home would make a difference.

There was another reason I stayed home. Only I didn’t know it. That time I had at home with him is so precious now because it was all I got. And I was there for every milestone.

I am so sorry

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

4 thoughts on “I wanted to know what he was going to be”

  1. You did all the right things and I ‘m so glad you were home with him. Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. I know that’s not the exact quote, but that’s what you had and we all must have. So sorry you had him for only 20 years but you are keeping his memory alive and have helped so many others. Thanks, as always.

  2. Five months and it just doesn’t end. The rehashing at every angle every aspect of their lives up until ‘it’ happened and dissecting my part in it …. I wake up every night, lay in bed or just get up and try to ‘figure it out’. The beautiful moments, the childhood, triggers, mistakes I made that became his triggers, all his suffering, my suffering watching him suffer, the last weeks- should’ve seen it coming and the ‘ending’ unbearable to go there but I do…. I know they wouldn’t want this for us. Josh made that very clear on his videos to me the night before he died ( search Joshua Giannini on this site) but its involuntary. And continuous. And I’m hoping it ends or lightens up , it’s so tiring.

  3. Thank you for sharing another picture of your children. I would think our “village” would also wonder what Charles would be as an adult. At least you raised him knowing and learning his personality, beliefs, intelligence, humor, and humanity. At least memories will retain and recall your togetherness with him.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.