That’s our greatest fear right? That we will say the wrong thing. We always fear the unknown.
Just listening and keeping someone safe and supported. All you can really do is keep someone safe for now. But here are some phrases that don’t really “cause” someone to suicide but they are not the ideal thing to say to someone in suicidal crisis.
First, I want you to remember that suicide is a brain attack–an episode where someone is suffering emotional pain so devastating, their brain tells them the only solution is to kill themselves. It’s intense and relentless and people feel they are a burden and the world would be better off without them. Sometimes people don’t even realize they are thinking it.
When someone tells you how much they hurt, usually we want to make them feel better so we say things like (WRONG things to say):
- “You have so much to live for”
- “You have your whole life ahead of you”
- “What about your family?”
- “You’re just trying to get attention”
- “Suicide is so selfish“
These are messages that invalidate the person’s feelings. And what’s more, some of them just are not true.
If you say those phrases, it seems to the person in that irrational state of mind, that you don’t understand and they may not continue to talk to you. And you want to keep them engaged. You want them to talk.
Time is your ally.
Think about if you are going through a divorce and someone says, “You’ll find someone else,” right when you are first experiencing it.
Or if you’ve lost an infant and someone says, “You can always have another child,” as if one child can replace another.
If you happen to say any of the phrases above, it doesn’t mean they will follow through with their plan because you didn’t say the right thing.
There are just better things to say to let them know you empathize with their pain and their hurt even if you don’t fully understand it.
Instead, say something like,
- “I’m so sorry you feel that way. Tell me more about it.”
- “It sounds like you are really suffering. I want to know more so help me understand.”
- “I had no idea you were hurting so much. I am so sorry. Telling me takes a lot of courage. Thank you for your trust in me and keep talking.”
At any rate, you have to connect with how they are feeling first which is the hurt. Engage with the dark side and allow them to talk. To vent. They can’t understand logic or reasoning. All they know at that moment is the crushing pain they feel and how much they want to get away from it.
Listening with empathy and patience comes first.
Want to know more about what you can do to prevent suicide? Look for Talk Saves Lives –AFSP (One hour), ASIST training (2 days), SafeTalk (3 hours) training or Mental Health First Aid (one day) in your area. Google your city, state and the name of the course you want to learn more about.
I’m having a brain attack I sit in a very small studio in the middle of no where all alone everyday.i have I transportation I’m just alone.the walls are closing in on me. I lost my dad in November and I lost my oldest son to suicide 2 yrs ago my other Son doesn’t have much to do with me I text him today I told him I was depressed he said sorry mom I sent a few more messages and he didn’t respond nor has he looked at them. That just showed me that I don’t matter to him or anyone .I’m in so much pain I can’t take it a h. I’m done just tired and done.. I can’t go on this way anylongergg
Do you live in a rural area? It sounds like you feel isolated and alone. I too lost a son to suicide and I do know how isolating that grief is. I am sorry you are in that club and that your other son is not responding appropriately. How old is your other son? Does he live out of town? And I hope you are ok with all my questions. I hear you and I can’t fix anything but I can listen and respond. That you can count on.
Thank you for posting this. I had no idea. I would have likely said, “You have so much to live for.”
Thank you Amy. I don’t always know what others find most helpful so I appreciate the feedback
This… This is brilliant and so very important. This could be one of your top 5 blog posts ever. This will help save lives. Concrete things we can say when someone is experiencing that devastating brain attack… Thank you, Anne Moss!