You have felt worthless.
Others have treated you like trash.
The criminal justice system treats you as criminals.
Society has labeled you a throwaway.
I believe that lack of support and compassion has fed the epidemic and contributed to your feelings of low self worth.
Typically those with addiction struggle with self esteem. You feel deeper than most and often it comes with mental illness.
Behavior makes this disease more complex.
Here’s the thing
This disease is awful but it comes with gifts. Gifts you are not aware of.
Often those who suffer have talents we often take for granted. You take them for granted.
If we are going to change minds we have to band together and believe in ourselves.
I know you do that at rallies.
Where this falls short is advocating for yourself–one of the most difficult steps in this process and I believe one of the causes for relapse. The lack of emotional support. The tendency for those in our culture to treat you as a throwaway seeps into your psyche.
When family abandons you it simply is too much. The disappointment from a relapse you can read on your family’s faces. (When in fact it’s really fear of losing you that you see etched on our faces.)
I believe my son felt abandoned–contributing to his suicide. We had not but to him he felt that way. And if all the things Charles could endure that was on one of them. I was struggling to assess the situation and figure out a next step.
I’m not abandoning you. People who contribute and follow and share this blog are not abandoning you.
Even if you relapse.
One of my biggest heartbreaks….. A couple of winters ago I found out my son had been stealing from me AGAIN to support his drug addiction ( w/d money from ATM ) He had been living with me so I told him he had to move out and I would take him to a shelter or one of the area programs. He refused the offer and for the rest of the winter he literally lived in a patch of woods close to the corner of Courthouse and Hull st. As a single Mom with a young daughter financially that was devastating and I decided to put us first. An extremely difficult decision then knowing he was living in the woods ….. No words. Yes he had choices but still…..
Telling they have to find another option does not mean you do not love them. This part–what to do– is so complex. We struggled with that, too. I have gotten criticism from someone in recovery for not rescuing my son. But those with SUD that are comfortable have no incentive to change. You hope that the move you make will inspire them to seek recovery. That’s where community comes in. We are just left on our own as parents to make that decision. It’s so hard. It’s not safe for us or neighbors. Charles had Heroin delivered to our driveway. He stole drugs out of a neighbor’s cabinet. But he decided to walk out of the recovery house and detox. There is no right answer for a parent for this one.
Exactly…. No clue as to what would help or deter then heartbreak . No easy answers . He was an adult in his 30’s. He made the choice to live in the woods when he could have enrolled in ‘another’ program. At that point I was looking out for myself and minor child .
You did what you had to do. You only have control over you. Not him.