Suffering from suicidal thoughts since age 12

Note from Anne Moss: I am continuing in a series of posts from my most engaged readers. Like many who suffer, a strong faith can help.  As an advocate, I would be remiss if I didn’t add that a good support system, whether that includes faith, friendship, family, therapy, or even medication, can also work well. It depends on the individual. This one from Michael, who has lived experience.  

by Michael Widuch

I suffered suicidal thoughts first when I was 12 years old in the school year of 2003-2004 due to an unstable special needs school environment and unhealthy family setting. I came very close to self-destructing my life, but I didn’t want to stop breathing.

I remember waiting for my social worker, who also contributed to my suicidal thoughts, but the social worker wasn’t there. I waited and sat across from her office. I remember looking at my life through the florescent lights in front of the office and I was spoken to non-verbally from the Lord. The Lord gave me “hope.” I was empowered by the Lord and he comforted me to my plea for help when no one else was able to reach for help.

I was a helpless silent victim in almost complete despair, and even with that, I NEVER wanted to give up on Lord and myself. Despite feeling absolutely worthless, I believe in the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I would have confidence to post my struggles with my special needs school to my friends online, who went to a public mainstream high school.

I received support and understanding which derived from love. I’ve even notified friends recently about this story and other stories.

I made a declaration to NEVER submit to suicide.

I suffered and struggled through the thorns of despair with them trying to pierce my existence into dead bloodshed. I refuse to give up and that there is light from the Lord. I will NEVER suicide. I’ve learned that the Lord’s love stems from truth.

I’ve never been more compelled to express myself so boldly before like this. I’ve have the Lord to ensure my life isn’t without his love. Nothing will stop this power I get from the Lord.

You must believe in order to receive.

I’m moved with compassion when I see suffering in other people.

Why would I self-harm myself because that would spread more suffering to other people and myself.

Reject the negativity of sin and be accepting of the positivity of the Lord, who is without sin. Although I loathed my religion, I love the Lord because he, the Lord, is life not death. I will put my full trust only in the Lord for the Lord is infallible.

I remember that I have only one life to live and I must endure and love the Lord with my heart, brain, and soul. Even though, I suffered in silence before, I’m redeemed by the Lord to turn to him for he, the Lord, is the source of which is life.

Remember people, we can help each other with whatever positivity that can be given to each other.

We need each other to survive this pathway that are all in together.

We can’t do this by ourselves, but with the Lord.

We are created with purpose, not pointless corners.

We are not numbers, but humans.

We can’t be ceased with death, but rejoice in life. Life is fragile and precious, but important and loving. Sorrow will inflict us, but love will heal the wounds of pain and agony.

The Lord will not leave or forsake you. I’m here as a living example to testify this truth. Remember we are with each other and never alone on planet earth. There are people who are here and can give help to everyone. Help with one another with a sign of love from heaven which is above us.

We love you.

My letter to God

2 thoughts on “Suffering from suicidal thoughts since age 12”

  1. Your story is truly inspirational. I am so sorry for all you endured at the hands of the very adults that’s should be protecting you, loving you and teaching you. So glad god was able to speak to you and you listened and knew your worth. GOD IS GOOD❤️ Praying for you to keep your faith and strength.

    1. Dear Robin,
      Thank you for your words of gentle kindness and empowerment. I will add more information to the story now. I do and still have a loving and protective mother. Also, I have a pleasant and friendly older brother. My special education school was filled of teachers who mainly lack authority to maintain order and justice with my classmates. The authority to show right and wrong were unclear due to the classmates many different learning disabilities. Most classmates weren’t relatable to my needs of human interaction and I was isolated in loneliness. The Lord intervene with his “divine power” to help me understand that I was never alone. Now, I’ve been in process of having forgiveness to be Christ-like through the Lord. I will keep trying to forgive all the infliction in my life to have total inner peace and vitality.

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