By Diane Fielder McCormick
Note from Anne Moss: I sent an email to my most engaged readers and asked if they wanted to share their stories. Diane responded right away and has shared with all of us the final videos from her son. They are a gift. And they are heartbreaking. But they are also something else. It shows that even in the darkest hour, your loved one loved you.
Suicide, addiction, and depression have a very close relationship. More than 90% of people who fall victim to suicide suffer from depression, have or substance abuse disorder, or both. Depression and substance abuse combine to form a vicious cycle that all too often leads to suicide. Thank you Diane for sharing.
Obit: Joshua’s Giannini
My firstborn, my only son, and my best friend
A truly compassionate heart, and the most non- judgmental person I’ve ever known.
We were always playing practical jokes on each other!
He died from suicide March 29th 2017. I had been preparing as emotionally as best one can – thinking it was a probable outcome of his heroin addiction. But I expected the detective that came to my home to tell me that he died from overdose. Not SUICIDE. That took awhile to sink in.
Even though I thought I had prepared myself for the possibility – the actuality of it is devastating to the core of your being. Rage took over, alternating between a numbing shock and waves of intense, uncontrollable sobbing that would hit at any time, any place.
The rage took me by surprise- lashing out on those closest to me in ways I – nor they- could have imagined before this.
I’ve begun counseling. I’m only 53 days into this and have no idea what to expect next. I’ve lost both parents, two sisters, the man I loved, but none have knocked me down like this.
I will say the Lord has been faithful through it all. He really has. And I’m grateful for the 38 years I had with Joshua and will treasure them. I’m also grateful for the graciously kind videos he left me on his phone just hours before he died. I know that’s more than most Mothers get.
But still. How do I live the rest of my life without him? I just don’t know how and I don’t want to. The hidden part of me dreads the rest of my life without him.
I know the things he spoke in the video are the heart cry of every Mother’s child that took their life. I would like for the Mothers especially as they watch the video to hear and see THEIR CHILD thru this video. And to know that their child- and YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOY or GIRL felt the same way but were unable in their moment of pain to express it.
Yes, it’s true, our biggest fear is that our child will be forgotten as if they never existed. This way Joshua’s very beautiful and compassionate heart will help bring healing to many other Mothers drowning in their grief.
If you struggle with addiction and suicidal thoughts, there is help. If you are feeling suicidal, use the crisis text line at 741-741. Or the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Please keep fighting because we moms and dads do hurt.
Suicide is not a solution. Recovery is possible.
These videos are now posted on Google Drive instead of YouTube. I had to make them private on YouTube due to a younger audience potentially being triggered.
Video #1 – “You are not to blame. Don’t go back and think that you did this or you did that….I love the James River”
48 seconds– These are from google drive.
Video #2 – “Please mom, use your hurt and pain to help others.”
1 minute 3 seconds
Video #3 – “When you think there is no hope, don’t believe it. You are a strong independent woman. You are not to blame…”
Video #4 – “The only one that was always there for me.”
Video #5 (final video) – “I love you with all my heart.”