Bonfire heart— #griefheart number 239

Bonfire heart

Charles loved having people over for a bonfire. And I loved it when we had all his friends over. I always felt better when he and all the kids were at my house then I could catch up with them, too.

One time he decided to bring the fire pit onto the deck. By the time, I came out to do my “friend check,” some of the deck boards had burned. We kept our eye on these parties, too. That’s what a child with impulse control issues can do in 5 minutes flat. Start a blazing fire in a fire pit on the deck! He also loved to find the starter fluid to squirt the fire with it. I hated that smell and forbid Randy to buy it.

I so miss those parties. Miss the boy that was the heart of a party and always bringing people together. His craving to constantly being surrounded by people was his way of protecting himself and gave him fewer opportunities to kill himself. Of course I never realized this until I read his music after he died. He feared being alone for what he’d do to himself. The trouble is this is not a sustainable strategy because at some point, you’re going to be alone.

What is the #griefheart project?

I explain my #griefheart project here.

See all #griefhearts so far on pinterest or on this blog by #griefheart category.

A letter I wrote Charles in 1999 that was opened in 2010

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

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