This is not a post about self-esteem. I don’t suffer from that. What I do suffer from is having lost my son to suicide. Because I get overwhelmed or I am experiencing a grief episode, I sometimes fail at being the person I want to be.
Sometimes I suck at being a good wife, daughter or mother. I don’t call as often or plan as many outings as I should. (Stuck in the grief fog.)
Sometimes I suck at being a good friend and I temporarily drop off the face of the earth. (Where did she go?)
Sometimes I suck at being a good hostess, forgetting desert or buns for the hamburgers. (Kind of funny actually.)
Sometimes I suck at returning phone calls or getting the calendar invite on the right day. (Part of my charm.)
Sometimes I suck at remembering birthdays or become a sloth at holidays. (Grieving moms rarely love holidays after a child dies.)
Sometimes I suck at understanding why you worry about things I now find trivial. (Let your kid go find himself or take that gap year.)
Grief rewires your brain, turning it upside down and wrong side out. Getting it to cooperate takes time. I can’t always remember where I’m going, how to get there and who I am meeting. Do I even have a brain?
In the meantime, I’m getting a lot better at self-deprecating humor. Feels good to laugh at myself and accept that I’m not always at the top of my game.
8 thoughts on “Sometimes I suck”
We have dealt with the disease of addiction for the past 12 yrs and while our son is still alive, albeit in a situation that is disheartening, we still feel those same feelings…our friends children are all getting married now…another developmental milestone this disease has robbed us of…hugs fellow Mom
You, too, are going through a grieving process Connie and watching someone self destruct–someone you love that you raised. You have to feel like you are missing out on those life milestones. I hope he finds recovery. One thing’s for sure. He’s tough to have survived this long. Opioids make people do awful things they would not ordinarily do.
Just got around to reading this post today b/c I had a “grief episode” yesterday & cried for hours. Anne Moss, you describe so well my thoughts & feelings. You provide me reassurance that I am a “normal”grieving mother who has both good & bad days. I am so proud your other son is doing so well. Thanks again for so eloquently articulating your perspective & helping us reevaluate our own.💜
You are allowed to honor that pain and those days Tjwanna. It’s the healthy thing to do
Great article and so spot on.
You don’t suck at having the guts to tell your story and make a difference.
That’s a good point. 600 posts would attest to that!