This is not a post about self-esteem. I don’t suffer from that. What I do suffer from is having lost my son to suicide. Because I get overwhelmed or I am experiencing a grief episode, I sometimes fail at being the person I want to be.
Sometimes I suck at being a good wife, daughter or mother. I don’t call as often or plan as many outings as I should. (Stuck in the grief fog.)
Sometimes I suck at being a good friend and I temporarily drop off the face of the earth. (Where did she go?)
Sometimes I suck at being a good hostess, forgetting desert or buns for the hamburgers. (Kind of funny actually.)
Sometimes I suck at returning phone calls or getting the calendar invite on the right day. (Part of my charm.)
Sometimes I suck at remembering birthdays or become a sloth at holidays. (Grieving moms rarely love holidays after a child dies.)
Sometimes I suck at understanding why you worry about things I now find trivial. (Let your kid go find himself or take that gap year.)
Grief rewires your brain, turning it upside down and wrong side out. Getting it to cooperate takes time. I can’t always remember where I’m going, how to get there and who I am meeting. Do I even have a brain?
In the meantime, I’m getting a lot better at self-deprecating humor. Feels good to laugh at myself and accept that I’m not always at the top of my game.