Sometimes I suck

This is not a post about self-esteem. I don’t suffer from that. What I do suffer from is having lost my son to suicide. Because I get overwhelmed or I am experiencing a grief episode, I sometimes fail at being the person I want to be.

Sometimes I suck at being a good wife, daughter or mother. I don’t call as often or plan as many outings as I should. (Stuck in the grief fog.)

Sometimes I suck at being a good friend and I temporarily drop off the face of the earth. (Where did she go?)

Sometimes I suck at being a good hostess, forgetting desert or buns for the hamburgers. (Kind of funny actually.)

Sometimes I suck at returning phone calls or getting the calendar invite on the right day. (Part of my charm.)

Sometimes I suck at remembering birthdays or become a sloth at holidays. (Grieving moms rarely love holidays after a child dies.)

Sometimes I suck at understanding why you worry about things I now find trivial. (Let your kid go find himself or take that gap year.)

Grief rewires your brain, turning it upside down and wrong side out. Getting it to cooperate takes time. I can’t always remember where I’m going, how to get there and who I am meeting. Do I even have a brain?

In the meantime, I’m getting a lot better at self-deprecating humor. Feels good to laugh at myself and accept that I’m not always at the top of my game.

Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked mental health speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind and co-author with Kim O'Brien PhD, LICSW of Emotionally Naked: A Teacher's Guide to Preventing Suicide and Recognizing Students at Risk. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my younger son, Charles to addiction and suicide on June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational mental health keynotes, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, anxiety, coping strategies/resilience, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Mental Health Speakers Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

8 thoughts on “Sometimes I suck”

  1. We have dealt with the disease of addiction for the past 12 yrs and while our son is still alive, albeit in a situation that is disheartening, we still feel those same feelings…our friends children are all getting married now…another developmental milestone this disease has robbed us of…hugs fellow Mom

    1. You, too, are going through a grieving process Connie and watching someone self destruct–someone you love that you raised. You have to feel like you are missing out on those life milestones. I hope he finds recovery. One thing’s for sure. He’s tough to have survived this long. Opioids make people do awful things they would not ordinarily do.

  2. Just got around to reading this post today b/c I had a “grief episode” yesterday & cried for hours. Anne Moss, you describe so well my thoughts & feelings. You provide me reassurance that I am a “normal”grieving mother who has both good & bad days. I am so proud your other son is doing so well. Thanks again for so eloquently articulating your perspective & helping us reevaluate our own.💜

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