How heroin talked to Charles

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Charles described to me how heroin “talked” to him. He sort of acted out the conversation. It was riveting and unforgettable.

Once he told me this, I understood what was happening in his head. How seductive it was. How hard it was to escape. How it coaxed him into doing what he didn’t want to do. How the disease of addiction grips someone with that initial euphoria and then kicks them in the ass over and over until they’ll do anything to get out of it. And in Charles’ case, that was suicide.

Charles: I’m not going to take any more silver. Not selling any more of it to pawn shops. It makes me feel like shit to steal. I’m never doing another hit of heroin. It doesn’t even give me that great feeling any more.

Heroin: Remember how it made you feel? I know you can feel that way again.

Charles: No way. I’m not doing it. I don’t want to steal. I don’t want to be addicted.

Heroin: I’m patient. Soon enough you will crave me again. You know we can achieve that euphoric high again.

Charles: I won’t. I’m not a junkie. I won’t take any more. My mom will find out and be so disappointed in me. I am already such a failure. I’m such a scum bag.

Heroin: Just one more hit. And then you’ll stop. What can it hurt to take just one more?

Charles: I don’t want to. But maybe if the next one is my last.

Heroin: They won’t miss that silver. Hell, they use it once a year! They’d want you to have it. They’ll never miss it.

Charles: Yeah. Mom hardly ever opens that drawer. She hasn’t missed it at all. She could care less. One last hit and then I’m done for good. This time is the last!

Heroin took my son’s brain hostage. In less than 5 minutes, Charles helped me understand what addiction was.

Dear Heroin, I F-ing HATE you!

Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

5 thoughts on “How heroin talked to Charles”

  1. Loss of “things” can Cloud what matters. It has taken me a long time to donate, let go or store things that don’t bring me joy right now. It is a decision. The memories remain so I have been finding other ways to honor them! I have a soup ladel that is 100 years old from great-grandparents. Found a way to hang it and put a fresh air fern in it. That way, joy replaces bitterness….

    1. I could have gone back and gotten my silver but I never did. I did go get his computer. It was his so it was important to me. Maybe I could find out some answers from that. Funny how you sort out what means a lot to you and what doesn’t. I like your soup ladle solution. Thanks for commenting and I think you must have lost your child, too? I lost my son to suicide as a result of depression and addiction.

  2. I really appreciated this. I lost my daughter to heroin. I’ve had people make insinuations that I must not have been a very good parent, and that is why my daughter got addicted. She graduated Cum laude from college. She was an outstanding artist and everyone loved her. But still I am the one who is judged. I hope that people will learn that addiction can touch anyone. It’s a disease just like diabetes or cancer. It’s random. It can touch your life to even if you never touched a drug in your life. All you have to do is love someone who is an addict. Then you will know that there is little you have done to cause the catastrophe that follows. Then you’ll know the hopelessness of knowing that there isn’t much you can do to stop the insanity other than just love the addict.

  3. My 12 piece place setting was pawned for probably nothing..i almost killed my son when i opened my silver drawer and there was nothing in it..it was my grandmothers and wedding gifts..all gone…lots of silver i inherited that was not out in the open is gone…i dont miss the silver as much as the memories it reminded me of people i loved…

    1. I can understand that. After he died I had to let it go. I could’ve gone back and bought it back but we decided not to. We did get some things back out of pawn but not the silver. It was in so many different places

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