For decades, I waited to find my purpose. I kept looking but it just didn’t happen. I had faith it would find me. I just didn’t know when. Or what.
When it did, I realized what I had to lose in order to find it. My child.
That price tag is so high and so painful. I was so mad at you. Like Charles was in his letter to you.
Then I didn’t want to accept it. His life was so short. He had so much to offer. This couldn’t be it. It can’t be real. How was all of it going to play out? And why suicide?
I get it now. I know you don’t orchestrate our lives and sentence people to die early. Things just happen and that’s part of life. We ask you to intervene and grant our wishes as if you were a Jeanie. Funny, I even hear football players thanking you when they win. Like you give a rat’s ass about a football game. I know that’s not how it works.
I hear people all the time say, “my prayers were answered” when in fact it doesn’t work that way either. As if you play favorites. I know you can only help us find the strength within ourselves when hardship happens.
I am determined to let my son’s legacy drive my passion for saving others. I think you know I will never give up.
So I’m asking you to help me find the strength within myself and those around me to carry this through. Help me find my way along this path to carry out the purpose that has finally found me.
17 thoughts on “My letter to God”
Love your writing and especially resonate with this post. I have come to realize that God is not a magic Genie in the sky, granting wishes. Since the suicide death of my precious son, my prayers do not ask for wishes or favors but my prayers are more contemplative, seeking God within me. Thank you for honoring your dear son, Charles, by speaking out and providing words for ponder and words of wisdom you have learned on your journey. Cathy, Joseph’s mom.
Thank you Cathy.
I totally agree with you about God. God is in everyone of our cells. God is us, we are God. The interesting thing about God and all the Bible stories about Jesus is that God also lost his/her son. (I don’t believe a powerful being like God has a gender.)
Jesus also owned nothing. He even had to borrow that donkey that he rode into Jerusalem on. This puts him on the same level as everyone at their lowest point.
Jesus also never judged people so those who were despised by society were welcome, be they tax collectors like at least one of his apostles, fishermen or bold women willing to shun the rules and go out in public without their brothers, fathers or husbands. Everyone was welcome.
It’s quite a story full of so many lessons. Thanks for reminding us who God is and how God works through each of us. These days with all the political infighting and Walls to keep people out, it’s worth remembering the power in each of us to be god-like, each and every day.
“Jesus also never judged people so those who were despised by society were welcome.” I think we tend to forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Diane.
I thank YOU for being so brave sharing your deepest inner thoughts. You write , what I feel. I feel like you could be me, and our sons could be brothers. Does that sound crazy? The connection is so there for me.
I think we just don’t know how many similar stories are out there until we speak up.
I totally agree, so what you, and others post about their grief joy at helps “us survivors” feel less alone. My daughter, Rachel who is 30 years old, just had a cry fest over A dream she had last night, where she believed she was going to see him when she woke up. Realizing it was a dream, shattered her heart. I feel her pain, and I can only listen, and cry with her. Rachel and Curt were 7 years apart( both Gemini’s). They had opposite temperaments , but blended into a loving Big sister, little brother friendship. One of Curt’s first words was ” dit-da”. I finally figured out he was saying sister, when he was climbing up the stairs to get to his sister’s room, alternating dit, da, for very step up!
I meant grief journey.
My thoughts exactly. Beautifully put. God does not dole out favors because truly God is simply love and we all need it! Sending you a bunch! Thx for the post!
Anne you are insightful, brave, and God loves you so much! You are a beacon of hope for others. I really believe in you and stand behind you. Have a loving peaceful Christmas.
Thank you Shawn
He is working in and through you every day. A heartfelt and brave letter. Honest and sincere. It seems to me that God does not want an unquestioning follower, but one who is honest, sincere, inquisitive, and trusting. And this letter reflects all of that. Granted, I can’t read God’s mind. But to me, this is a most Sacred and admirable letter.
I just can not imagine what you have had to bear by losing your Sweet Baby Charles. Please know my heart aches for you and your family.
That is supposed to be a heart. Love Leigh