Lauren is in her early 20s. After she sent this note to me she reached out to her parents. She asked me to post her message here so you could see it and share it so that it would help others.
Note from Lauren below:
I came across your post “The Final 48 Hours” today (5/17/16) on Facebook that was shared by mutual friends. I have never come across a story that has related to me more in my life.
On May 10th at 2:09pm I thought about taking my life.
Why? I have no reason to be sad about, right? One simple mental break down for a person with mental illness can cause an outburst of emotions.
The only thing going through my head; Why can’t my doctor just fix me? Why have I been on 15+ different depressant/anxiety medications the past four years? When will this sad/gloomy feeling stop? Will I ever be “normal”? Why me?
I think I don’t need a counselor; I’m fine except when I’m alone in my own head. I’ve had thoughts of suicide, but think it will pass, until the next time I’m sad again.
I talk to friends about when I’m gloomy and it’s a constant “I think you should see someone, I love you.” The love and support could heal a wounded mind for the time being, but I know I am not “cured”.
I cry often, but I don’t know why. I’m always sick, but I think it’s a phase that will pass. I don’t talk about it, because I don’t want to be “judged” by my peers, family members or wanting to seem like it’s only for attention.
On May 10th I know my mother was worried sick about me, I could hear it in her voice over the phone as I cried. It was the most calming; soft-spoken I’ve heard in her expression in my life.
My mother was my angel that day. Then the anxiety hits me, what if something happens to my mom? My dad? My best friend? What happens then?
I moved to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina from Chesterfield, Virginia to start a new life in 2014, praying everything would heal on its own. The depression/anxiety followed me. More and more doctor visits, but nothing seems to help.
I leave work early, because my anxiety decides to take over me. I sit in my bed at night and cry, but I don’t understand why. I have a panic attack and curl up in a ball until it ends and close my eyes into a deep sleep.
I wake up at 6:30am for work and wait for the vicious cycle to begin again. Constantly praying that there is a cure for me or the right “martini” (mix of medication as the doctor calls it) will start to take effect.
Your article changed my perspective on life. I have never in my life written any letter/story/journal etc. about my own depression/anxiety and this took everything I had to be honest with you and myself. I just read other stories and feel like I can relate, but not my personal experience.
When I’m having a bad/sad/depressed day, I’m thinking about the easiest approach away from it all. I do not think about life after me and what I’d leave behind. I don’t worry about what emotions I’ll leave for my loved ones.
Reading an article from a mother who has felt such devastating pain, you helped change my perception of life. Your article gave me the strength to share with my own mother/father what I’ve been meaning to say to them for four years.
Until then I am going to try and better myself every day, and keep trying the perfect “Martini” until I find the right one for me. I know I’ll never be perfect like I anticipate to be, but you’ve made an impact on my life.
Please continue to spread the awareness of mental health and impacting people’s lives. I will try and do the same and take one day at a time and with God and my family on my side anything is possible. Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to type this letter.
I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time in your life.
-God Bless, Lauren