What do those suicide notes look like?

Not everyone leaves a last letter.

But we mothers have found things tucked away and balled up in the trash. Maybe not an official suicide note, but they do reflect what the sufferer is feeling in their darkest hour.

Usually, they are not thinking of you. They are thinking you’d be better off without them. Most at this point are in agony.

People suffering from depression don’t want to tell you they hurt. One, that’s the nature of the illness. Two, they don’t want to reveal that darkness their souls. They’d rather die that feel the rejection from those they love most.

This one was sent to be my Wanda White. Her son, Nayson Emami, 32, died by suicide January 2016. She found this balled up in the trash can. His mom said, “This is the pain of total darkness that leads them to already feel dead inside.”

suicide note

The police told us that Charles left no note.

But I found that hard to believe. When I got back his belongings and his backpack, I did see which notebook was the “last” one. And I found this written in the notebook. Is it the last? I can’t be sure.

If you’ve ever wished for a suicide note, maybe this will change your mind

It’s not what I hoped for.

It was very hard to see this. Still hard.

suicide notes

He was in deep depression suffering horrendous withdrawal. He felt abandoned and did not understand that heroin is an isolating drug which is so ironic for such a social person. We were doing tough love as nothing else had worked and I am guilty of not recognizing a cry for help.

When he called that last time, he was making no sense. And I didn’t pick up on what he was trying to tell me because I could hardly understand him. I also think he assumed I knew his situation which I didn’t.

What was heartwarming is that he had printouts of family pictures in that same backpack. Stacks of them. And he had every letter I wrote him at wilderness and boarding school.

The pictures looked as if someone had printed them out from my Facebook page. I had always been blocked from his.

I do know he loved us. But in those last hours, he obviously was not thinking as a rational person and it will always hurt that this is what he died thinking.

Painfully brilliant prose even in his darkest hour.

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Author: Anne Moss Rogers

I am the owner of emotionally naked, a site that reached a quarter million people in its first 18 months. I am President of Beacon Tree Foundation, advocates for youth mental health as well as a writer and public speaker on the topics of suicide, addiction, mental illness, and grief. I lost my youngest son, Charles, 20, to suicide June 5, 2015. I was a marketing professional for years prior to losing my son and co-owned a digital marketing firm.

17 thoughts on “What do those suicide notes look like?”

    1. I am sorry I am replying so late. Forgive me Mac#girl. The last few days with suicides in the media has to be hard for you. I am so so sorry you feel so badly. What in your life has changed? Can you share with me why you feel this way? That must be so miserable to feel the way you do. I do wish I could fix it. But I can listen. That I can do. So I’m listening….. Keep talking. I am fine with you sharing misery. I’m OK with it. I just want to be here for you.

  1. I am only 11 is a girl i live in north Carolina and im getting bullied so much at school so i started cutting my wrist everyday i want to live but it hurts getting bullied everyday what can i do

    1. Alexis- I am so sorry. Don’t kill yourself! Please. I’m telling you my grief journey after the loss of my son has been brutal. NOTHING has been as hard as losing my child. I’m with you. Don’t leave me OK?

    1. My mother left a blood splattered Valentine card to my father. When he passed away, I found it in a wooden box tucked way back in a drawer. I have it now. Not sure what to do with it…

      1. Oh my gosh Diane. I would wonder too. Obviously it was not blood spattered when she wrote it. I don’t even know what box in my head to file that in

      2. Oh God, I don’t know if you’re Dad thought it might answer questions or provide a glance inside your Mom’s head. Sorry you had to see it. I am researching this topic after seeing some ugly aspects of life everywhere.

        1. I have no idea how hard that would be. Sometimes I think death is just easier than life. I’d rather burn forever than live on this earth. U know?

          1. Oh Mac girl it must be awful. That feeling. I know how awful I felt after my son’s suicide and I have some difficult days still three years later and always will. Can you tell me more about what you are going through?

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