Not everyone leaves a last letter.
But we mothers have found things tucked away and balled up in the trash. Maybe not an official suicide note, but they do reflect what the sufferer is feeling in their darkest hour.
Usually, they are not thinking of you. They are thinking you’d be better off without them. Most at this point are in agony.
People suffering from depression don’t want to tell you they hurt. One, that’s the nature of the illness. Two, they don’t want to reveal that darkness their souls. They’d rather die that feel the rejection from those they love most.
This one was sent to be my Wanda White. Her son, Nayson Emami, 32, died by suicide January 2016. She found this balled up in the trash can. His mom said, “This is the pain of total darkness that leads them to already feel dead inside.”
The police told us that Charles left no note.
But I found that hard to believe. When I got back his belongings and his backpack, I did see which notebook was the “last” one. And I found this written in the notebook. Is it the last? I can’t be sure.
If you’ve ever wished for a suicide note, maybe this will change your mind
It’s not what I hoped for.
It was very hard to see this. Still hard.
He was in deep depression suffering horrendous withdrawal. He felt abandoned and did not understand that heroin is an isolating drug which is so ironic for such a social person. We were doing tough love as nothing else had worked and I am guilty of not recognizing a cry for help.
When he called that last time, he was making no sense. And I didn’t pick up on what he was trying to tell me because I could hardly understand him. I also think he assumed I knew his situation which I didn’t.
What was heartwarming is that he had printouts of family pictures in that same backpack. Stacks of them. And he had every letter I wrote him at wilderness and boarding school.
The pictures looked as if someone had printed them out from my Facebook page. I had always been blocked from his.
I do know he loved us. But in those last hours, he obviously was not thinking as a rational person and it will always hurt that this is what he died thinking.
Painfully brilliant prose even in his darkest hour.