What do those suicide notes look like?

Not everyone leaves a last letter.

But we mothers have found things tucked away and balled up in the trash. Maybe not an official suicide note, but they do reflect what the sufferer is feeling in their darkest hour.

Usually, they are not thinking of you. They are thinking you’d be better off without them. Most at this point are in agony.

People suffering from depression don’t want to tell you they hurt. One, that’s the nature of the illness. Two, they don’t want to reveal that darkness their souls. They’d rather die that feel the rejection from those they love most.

This one was sent to be my Wanda White. Her son, Nayson Emami, 32, died by suicide January 2016. She found this balled up in the trash can. His mom said, “This is the pain of total darkness that leads them to already feel dead inside.”

suicide note

The police told us that Charles left no note.

But I found that hard to believe. When I got back his belongings and his backpack, I did see which notebook was the “last” one. And I found this written in the notebook. Is it the last? I can’t be sure.

If you’ve ever wished for a suicide note, maybe this will change your mind

It’s not what I hoped for.

It was very hard to see this. Still hard.

suicide notes

He was in deep depression suffering horrendous withdrawal. He felt abandoned and did not understand that heroin is an isolating drug which is so ironic for such a social person. We were doing tough love as nothing else had worked and I am guilty of not recognizing a cry for help.

When he called that last time, he was making no sense. And I didn’t pick up on what he was trying to tell me because I could hardly understand him. I also think he assumed I knew his situation which I didn’t.

What was heartwarming is that he had printouts of family pictures in that same backpack. Stacks of them. And he had every letter I wrote him at wilderness and boarding school.

The pictures looked as if someone had printed them out from my Facebook page. I had always been blocked from his.

I do know he loved us. But in those last hours, he obviously was not thinking as a rational person and it will always hurt that this is what he died thinking.

Painfully brilliant prose even in his darkest hour.

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Published by

Anne Moss Rogers

I am an emotionally naked TEDx speaker, and author of the Book, Diary of a Broken Mind. I raised two boys, Richard and Charles, and lost my youngest son, Charles to substance use disorder and suicide June 5, 2015. I help people foster a culture of connection to prevent suicide, reduce substance misuse and find life after loss. My motivational, training and workshop topics include suicide prevention, addiction, mental illness, and grief. As talented and funny as Charles was, letting other people know they matter was his greatest gift. And now the legacy I try and carry forward in my son's memory. Professional Speaker Website. Trained in ASIST and trainer for the evidence-based 4-hour training for everyone called safeTALK.

28 thoughts on “What do those suicide notes look like?”

  1. I’ve just written my suicide note. And me being so stupid, I’d wait for me to die. I’m just not brave enough to do it. I’ve sharpened the kitchen knife several times, bought several sleeping pills, searched for bridges good enough to jump and get drowned, looked for tall buildings in the city, observed how fast the train passed, read through the list of toxic chemicals, and wondered which one would I choose. I guess I’m not yet ready at this time. And I need to eat something right now since I feel so hungry, and too tired to think of anything else.

    1. Anson I’m so sorry you hurt so much. But you made my day that you are going to eat a meal instead of kill yourself. Thank you for posting that comment. I so hope you reach out for help. In case it helps, there are the resources I have depending on your country below but you can always tell me what’s up right here.

      When someone has an attempt there is always the possibility of it leaving you permanently disabled. So that fear is real.

      SUICIDE and CRISIS HOTLINES
      USA 1-800-273-8255
      USA Crisis Text 741-741
      Canada 1-833-456-4566
      United Kingdom 116 123
      Australia 13 11 14

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

    1. Please tell an adult you trust. Suggestions are a school counselor or a teacher. Thank you so much for asking on behalf of a friend whose life you want to save. And you very well could. Do not be streaks they will be angry with you. Better to have an angry grind who is alive than one who is dead. And all you have to say is that you that you cared enough to tell someone so they could get help and live. And say what I said above

  2. Everyday I feel like dying I hate depression, I’m suicidal I cut myself to help the pain on the inside I rly want to die, It sucks like hell. I rather be in hell then be here. I left so many suicide notes. But I just want to end the motherfuckn pain.

    1. I hear you and feel your intense pain and it must be terrible to feel it and I admire you are still with us and had the guts to comment here. Somewhere there is an ambivalence to dying and I want to appeal to tahtvpart of you that wants to end the pain but not end your life. Because I feel that too. Here is something I wrote that immediately triggered in my mind when I read your comment. I want you to live and not experience this awful pain and that is possible because what you suffer from is treatable. Feel free to come back and reply. I would love to hear from you again. https://annemoss.com/2017/11/06/what-would-happen-if-you-killed-yourself/

  3. This thread is so relatable. I’m 15, and I grabbed my uncle’s gun from the safe last night when he was asleep and I sat there for 20 minutes, wanting it to just be over.

    I think I’m just too intelligent for my own good. Every day on the news I see all of the people going missing, all of the countries threatening each other, the mass shootings, police senselessly killing civilians, couples killing each other for insurance money, parents killing their kids… And then when I walk the streets every day, everyone looks so cold… No one smiles at each other anymore. No one looks alive. I get hit on by older men every time I’ve walked outside – EVERY TIME. I see homeless people on the curbs that have been there for the past 3-4 years and haven’t gotten help, and everyone pretends like they don’t exist. There’s people in 3rd world countries who aren’t even having Christmas this year. They’re not celebrating with family, they’re not singing carols with friends, they’re not building snowmen or sitting by warm fireplaces, decorating trees or opening presents – they’re huddled in guys praying for clean water and for their plants to grow so they can finally eat. But no one I know seems to care about these things. All they can ever talk about in class is makeup, and sex, and smoking weed, and partying, and memes. What about all of the others in the world who don’t have those “luxuries”? What about them? And then, when I try to talk about them, everyone else shuts me down or brushes it off, like those people are nothing.

    And for the most part, no one does anything about it. There are some that do – organizations like UNICEF and the United Nations and others, but their efforts aren’t enough, because look where we’re still at. People say “Look on the bright side of life,” but for some reason, 95% of the time, they really mean “your OWN life.” Who’s there to look on the bright side of the homeless? Or the hungry? Or the man dying of cholera because his water’s not clean? Not enough people, that’s for sure. So sure, I could “look on the bright side of life,” but when you think about it, this world is dying. People are growing more heartless. Countries are under huge threats like they’ve never been before. More people are dying, killing, and being killed. And that’s painful to me. I don’t know why the condition of the world bothers me so much, but it does, because I cry for every stranger I see get hurt on the news. I cry when I get home after I see the condition of some of the people on the streets.

    I even cried for Edmund Zagorski, the man down in Tennessee who was executed in the electric chair this past November. I didn’t know this man from Adam, never heard of him before in my life, but I closely followed the news updates on the status of his execution process. I could barely eat dinner that night without throwing up, because I knew that while my family and plenty of others were sitting around a table happily talking about “the promotion I got at work today” and “the Kardashians,” a man was walking down a hallway to a tiny room, being strapped down to a chair, hooked up to some wires with the realization that he would be cut from existence in minutes. Even though I was sitting at the table eating spaghetti, in my mind I felt like I was right there with him, watching him walk down that long lonely hallway, watching the guards strap him in, and feeling the fear of his final thoughts. I felt like I WAS him. And after dinner, instead of doing the dishes like usual, I raced to the bathroom, pulled out my phone, and hurriedly Googled him to see if there had been any mercy or a pardon, only to find that it was too late and he was gone. I didn’t even know this man, but to imagine the moment of searing pain he went through, no matter how brief, made me cry for 20 minutes straight.

    Seeing the world the way it is kills me inside, the worse I see it become. And I TRY. I try to do things to make things better – I try to clean up litter when I see it, I try to smile and say hi to people on the street in the hopes that I’ll get a smile back, I try to get my family to take in malnourished strays I see wandering in alleys, and I try to buy meals for the local homeless or lend them my allowance when I can. But no matter what I do, it’s never enough, because not enough people do it, and not enough CARE to do it. So I’m not suicidal because of my own problems – I’m suicidal because of everyone else’s.

    I ended up ultimately chickening out of pulling the trigger last night, because I know that I may never have the guts to do it, but I truly regret not pulling that trigger if it means I have to stay alive to see society kill itself.

    1. Hey this sounds so much like Charles. Losing him to suicide has been devastating.

      You are a deep feeler and internalize all the problems you hear about. Just like my son. There are great therapies to help reign them in and you can also focus on one piece of it to improve things for the world. In fact, it’s people like you that change the world and if your checked out all that potential good change leaves with you. You are obviously very intelligent. I want you to know that suicidal ideation often lasts about twenty minutes. The intense part. I would love for you to tell your dad so he can secure that firearm so you don’t kill yourself and we are not robbed of the changes you will make to our world. Thank you for commenting and trusting this site to do so with thoughts so personal. You are welcome to keep talking and please do reach out for help because it sounds like you suffer from depression.

      This post is writfor beautiful people like yourself https://annemoss.com/2016/08/08/so-you-are-contemplating-suicide/

      This song is one Charles wrote that made me think of him in reading your comment. https://youtu.be/g6wWIqHN2Ms

      Thank you again for reminding us of our humanity.

      And this post also

  4. i am soo lost right now its just no one cares so am thinking suicide. i am so scared but i don’t have anything to lose if i die. Maybe my life doesn’t belong here.

    1. We lose you if you die. You take all your gifts and potential with you. I am so sorry for your pain. I know it’s real. But I also know a lot of people who have suffered suicidal thoughts and even attempted seek treatment and are glad they are alive. I hope you tell someone. My son did not. And I wish he had become would have helped.

  5. The hardest thing a human can do is to deny his instinct to live. Yeah you were born at a wrong time in a wrong age…we all are different and have different boundaries and limits, but why do our feelings fluctuate? why do you only wanna “do it” when the feeling is at it’s worse?…i still say that taking your own life and being willing to confront your maker is the hardest thing one can ever do. God is in control, i cannot beg for your life. Just don’t feel embarrassed when you get to the other side.

    1. I am sorry I am replying so late. Forgive me Mac#girl. The last few days with suicides in the media has to be hard for you. I am so so sorry you feel so badly. What in your life has changed? Can you share with me why you feel this way? That must be so miserable to feel the way you do. I do wish I could fix it. But I can listen. That I can do. So I’m listening….. Keep talking. I am fine with you sharing misery. I’m OK with it. I just want to be here for you.

  6. I am only 11 is a girl i live in north Carolina and im getting bullied so much at school so i started cutting my wrist everyday i want to live but it hurts getting bullied everyday what can i do

    1. Alexis- I am so sorry. Don’t kill yourself! Please. I’m telling you my grief journey after the loss of my son has been brutal. NOTHING has been as hard as losing my child. I’m with you. Don’t leave me OK?

    1. My mother left a blood splattered Valentine card to my father. When he passed away, I found it in a wooden box tucked way back in a drawer. I have it now. Not sure what to do with it…

      1. Oh my gosh Diane. I would wonder too. Obviously it was not blood spattered when she wrote it. I don’t even know what box in my head to file that in

      2. Oh God, I don’t know if you’re Dad thought it might answer questions or provide a glance inside your Mom’s head. Sorry you had to see it. I am researching this topic after seeing some ugly aspects of life everywhere.

        1. I have no idea how hard that would be. Sometimes I think death is just easier than life. I’d rather burn forever than live on this earth. U know?

          1. Oh Mac girl it must be awful. That feeling. I know how awful I felt after my son’s suicide and I have some difficult days still three years later and always will. Can you tell me more about what you are going through?

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