Since Charles’ death June 5, 2015, I am a different person. With a different life. And a different purpose.
I have always been passionate. But I am propelled forward now in a different way than ever before.
For years we suffered with Charles through his struggles with depression, anxiety, ADHD, addiction and the sleep disorder. And I wondered what my purpose was. I always had faith there was one, I simply didn’t know what it was.
I wondered if it was to get this young man to adulthood as a stable adult who could take care of himself.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t it.
Even shortly after his death by sucide, I struggled with the purpose issue. This has to mean something.
With each passing day and each run through my neighborhood, it has become clearer to me. Charles had something to say.
And while he’s no longer with us here on earth, he speaks volumes through the journals he left behind.
In my first presentation of my story, I felt him with me
The butterflies in my stomach were quickly quieted and I felt the deep love and support of those in the room. I felt a power greater than myself and the purpose of the message I needed to deliver.
Instead of feeling down and depressed, I felt lifted. Like I felt writing this article. There is agony and pain in putting together an article or presentation. But a sense of peace and release in delivering it.
With persistence and consistency, the message of talking about mental illness and suicide will gain acceptance which will result in more and better resources.
It is with humility and honor that I accept this challenge. In honor of Charles Aubrey Rogers.
———-A special thanks to St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church + ministers, Shannon Weisleder and my other panel speakers. And especially you guys in the audience. This was a virgin voyage and I know you all were with with me. Thank you for your hugs.
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2 thoughts on “Grief and Suicide: It was not my choice to reinvent myself”
I am truly sorry for your loss. I know there are not many (if any) that can describe the pain Charles was feeling, because I have felt that way the majority of my life. I am a 28 year old woman who lives with family. Everyday is a struggle to keep living. I have depression, panic disorder, PTSD and more. I need you to know Charles’ passing was not your fault. When people like him and I feel so deeply in a dark way , a lot of times it just pops into my head that there is ” no hope to be happy ,ever” and my mind, like Charles’ goes to the ultimate place where we convince ourselves that dying MUST be better than all the horrid pain and thoughts racing through our heads. We just want peace. I self medicated for a very long time with alcohol. I just didn’t want to feel anything. Of course that lead to more problems. Like Your son, I love writing, and being creative . Singing and writing has always been my passion. I hope one day I will find a job that can be used to help individuals who are suffering. Charles is watching
Down on you in heaven and he is
At peace: I am sure of it . All my support and love, Kimberly
Kimberly. So thoughtful of you to write this. Do know without your talent, the world would be a blander place. I think those who are truly talented suffer more than most. But the gifts you give are so precious. Including this comment which has pretty much made my week. Thank you.