I can’t predict things. But I do get premonitions. They just hit me like a lightning bolt. Most the time it’s just random stuff. Usually not a death although those are the ones I remember the most. I’ve actually had only three death premonitions and one of those was Charles.
I had no clue how he would die. That wasn’t part of the premonition. The suicide was a complete shock.
Often my premonitions are mundane enough–like I am going to win a prize or a friend is going to have a flat tire. My mom has always called me the “witch”– but not in a mean way. The premonition about Charles dying started stalking me in January of 2014.
Prior to the full blown premonition, I had flashes about him that were unnerving and disturbing but not really very clear from about 5th grade on. I’m not sure what these would be called. Pre-premonitions? They were very fuzzy and foggy and I simply couldn’t see Charles being an adult. I had this awful undefined moment of fear and I can even remember where I was standing when I had the first one. I was in the dining room on the phone. And while I’m having this conversation with a teacher, I hear in my head, “Charles is going to die.” Then I had this vague uneasy feeling that I tried to push away.
When they became more intense premonitions they started feeling more real. Many of my friends heard me say that I didn’t think Charles would make it. Some of you might think this would prepare me for his death. I can tell you it did not.
So how did I live with this? Of course, I talked myself out of them. Surely this can’t be true. But once they came to me often, I had to do something. Because losing hope is just about the most devastating feeling of all. It is second only to losing a child.
What did I do?
I made a list of three things. At the top was a wish. That wish was that he wouldn’t die between moving out of my old home and into my new one. That is exactly what did happen.
That list you ask? Number one was to call family. Number two was to call Martha, my friend for the last 40+ years. Number three was to ask Mary Jo if we could have the memorial service at Grace & Holy Trinity.
The purpose of this “list” was to make it so I could put it out of my mind. Sort of like if you carry an umbrella, it won’t rain.
When I made the list around February of 2015, it did provide some relief. And guilt, too. So confusing. Then I felt as if a weight had been lifted.
But then it happened
We were at Brio Tuscan Grille when my husband got the call on his cell phone from the police on June 5, 2015. The Richmond Police just said they were at our house and nothing more. Then they said they’d come to meet us at the parking lot at Brio.
The sudden realization that it had come true was the absolute worst feeling I have ever had. I knew before they got there and I have never felt so cold and frightened in my life. Your world just stops and you just go numb.
Why did that one have to come true? How did I know? And why the F#@% did I have to know?
I can’t answer that. But I’m due a good premonition, that’s for sure.
I have accepted that Life in the flesh is a gift.. we are all on borrowed time/gifted time… I believe, that regardless of premonition, or forethought, that ‘free will’ is.
Love one another
Beautifully said, Robin. Thank you.
I’m a first time mom and my daughter is 16 months at this time. I’ve had thoughts that she’s not going to be with us too long or that she’s only going to be here for a short period of time. That’s really all the thought I have. She’s still with us, but my hubby and I had the same feeling initially. It has subsided, but once in a while it passes my thought. Not sure if it’s premonition or if it’s a reaction to fear of losing a child or from the news.
I’m a SAHM so I do my best to enjoy every waking day with her, but it hurts my heart knowing what’s in my head.
I had those thoughts with both children. Back then it had more to do with wanting to do parenting right. The strong premonitions I got later were different and I also had a history of having the kind I had later. My mom used to call me “the witch.” And not in a mean way.
So I think you take a deep breath. And I would recommend the book “slay like a mother.” While your child is young it will give you the confidence as well as the understanding that no one is a perfect parent. If I had any advice, and you can take this or leave it, we have become too hyper vigilant about the real world and under protective about the internet. What I mean is that we over parent the climbing and small price risk taking when our kids need that. And we are hands off when it comes to internet access.
Congratulations on your new child. I honestly think you are having the same first time parent jitters most of us have. It is normal and understandable. Thank you for commenting.
The clearest premonition I have had was when I was pregnant last year with my 1st. I was about 17 weeks and was awaken by a voice that clearly said “you will be shopping for baby coffins”. I rebuked the thought, prayed and went back to sleep. The voice woke me again saying 3 times “you will be shopping for baby coffins”. I texted my best friend about it she said it was just a dream and I should not worry about it. 3 weeks later we went in for the Anatomy scan and my baby girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, a fatal genetic condition. I have had other little premonitions since then and looking back I think I have always had them. I knew my dad was going to die of cancer and he did, I knew my uncle was going to kill himself and he did. I am pregnant again, I had a dream before I took the pregnancy test that I was holding a baby boy and he was mimicking my mouth movements, and my husband told me “Don’t get too attached” and I sighed and said “I know”. I wonder if there’s a way to differentiate anxiety from a true premonition. I guess I have to believe everything is going to be okay, until it isn’t.
I am so sorry. You have been through some heartbreaking losses and it tends to put our minds in a negative bias to see only the that which is awful. It’s actually instinctual. But we can break the cycle. At this point I am guessing you are reacting to anxiety. That has happened to me. I forgot that I also had good premonitions. Like once I predicted and was absolutely sure UNC would win the 1982 ncaa basketball championship. I totally forgot that for a long time. Of course we don’t know but keep in mind it is rare. What happened to me is rare. But it can be hard to read part what’s real and what’s not and for me I just had to tell myself that Pres worrying helps nothing and makes me feel worse. I wish you all the best either way this pregnancy and to let you know that all the moms who have lost a child during pregnancy feel as you do.
I had a premonition one night there was gonna be a terrible car accident. I told my wife the following day after we had a near miss on the road.
Like that evening my daughter was involved in a serious car accident. Nobody was injured.
Seven years later I had another premonition in the middle of the night my son it’s going to have an accident and I remember saying but he’s not going to die and I was shown that he isn’t our future, I’ve got out of bed in shock and went to check my 19-year-old son in his bed he was okay. I said to myself I need to do something about this in the morning.
When morning came sat at the kitchen table thinking about my dream when my son rushed in the kitchen, grabbed his lunch, and went out the door I didn’t know what to say and all day I had a urge to call him but worried that this would attempt fate. When I got home from work, I went past the local pub where he would normally be drinking Coke and his car was there, I thought great he will be fine. It’s not today. I continue to have an urge to contact him attend the end I went home and a colleague of mine. Spoke to me to say my son will be home in a minute because he Gotta get up early for the next day.
I went to bed and the place Woke me with news that he’d been involved in a serious car accident. We were rushed to the hospital where he was in a coma and died of his injuries two days later.
Oh my gosh that is so…. Terrifying? I do t even have the right word. I am so sorry. Loss of a child to any cause is unbearable. But I despised these premonitions. Usually I get them for innocuous things. Like “wow I am going to win a prize at this event.” And I walk away with a door prize out of 700 people. Or I know who is going to win a basketball game. It’s random. But the ones about charles stalked me. Thank you for telling your story. Making me feel validated that this is a thing.
I had premonitions of my son”s death several months before his suicide in 2010. I had them twice. I don’t know why i had them because it didn’t change anything. Maybe now i will pay better heed to them. I have had other premonitions that came true, but like yours they were over little things.
I had premonitions of my son’s death but now how. Sometimes there is the desire to label it as a thought and not a premonition. Imagine if you had asked your son because you had this premonition. What would he have said? Most likely he would have said, “Mom, chill. That is never going to happen.” Then what would you have done with that? All the “what ifs” circulate in our heads until we are crazy with it before we decide that none of it can change the outcome. But there is agony before we get to that place which is part of the healing process. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
When my happy, healthy kindergarten age son was laughing and playing on the beach I had a sudden “knowing” that he would predecease me and I wept. He lived a full life and on June 3, 2020 I got a call from my eldest daughter telling me she knew something “really bad” had happened to Thomas. He was working in finance in NYNY and was in love and had been planning to visit me in Virginia the next week with his girlfriend. I called NYNY 911 and within 10 minutes he was found dead in his apartment . It wasn’t suicide. For years before I met an unusual number of women who had lost a child. I always asked them if they had known their child would predecease them. All said “no”. I have had knowings about other people dying since I was in high school . Are you familiar with others like me?
I do. I am one of them. I had nagging premonitions of such before 5th grade but it was not until then that they became more prevalent. I haven’t heard of a lot of people like us, but a few. I have a pretty robust tribe here. I think even if you do have premonitions of such, it’s still a shock. I’m so sorry Charlotte. It sounds like he was a successful young man.
I dreamt that I received a call from the police telling me my only child and son had died, he was a police officer only 8 weeks. I called him the next day as soon as I got his happy Father’s Day message on Sunday. He hardly ever picked up the phone.
He answered and he sounded himself, apart from his girlfriend grunting in the background he sounded fine. I told him I had a dream that he got hurt at work, and he told me not to worry.
He took his life after 1am on Wednesday morning.
It kills me that I should have told him the truth of the dream. Little did we know then that the girlfriend was making his life hell.
He was only 23. What on earth made me ave such a vivid dream on Friday night four days earlier. I’m not religious but what is causing this?
Wow. I’m so sorry Andro. I appreciate your sharing your story. Your mind must’ve known something was up but it had not put all the pieces together yet.
I had 2 premonitions several months before my 19 year old son took his life. They would always come to me with a thought that one of my children were going to die, then I would see a picture in my mind of Joe. I would always say, no no not my sweet Joe. I listened to a rabbi give a talk that they always happen to get the soul ready for the process of death. I don’t know if my son had any. I live with terrible guilt that I could have prevented his death if I had just said the right words to help him.
I so understand your guilt. It took me such a long time to let go of it. I started by telling myself I would forgive me one day. And then I did. But setting the intention helped me get there. All those coulda woulda shouldas haunt us. And the fact that it is “preventable” makes it harder. But the truth is we can’t control what another person does. And I believe they are not making a choice but are driven to in a moment that is not entirely within their control. Be patient with yourself when it comes to the “what ifs.” I believe you will get to a place where they don’t haunt you so much. But it’s part of the process of healing to go through it. Thank you so much for sharing. It really helps me, too Catherine.
How awful for you to be carrying that thought with you for so long. But we never ever imagine it will come true. I wish I could understand why to offer you some words of comfort. But I know they don’t exist. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us. I hope that by doing this you feel our love coming your way.
Thank you Denise. It does help to write. It does help to have support.
On the Weds that we learned Billy had died but before we were able to confirm it I found a reading called Anticipatory Grief. I read it at my meeting that night while filled with the worst feeling of dread. I knew. I am not sure that was a premonition but I certainly felt he was gone. 💙
That is something you happen to find that piece of literature. I know that feeling Jenny. Somehow we just know. And that’s the worst knowing ever.
Yes, yes…you are. I pray for you and your heart all of the time. I can’t imagine what you’ve experienced but I do know loss…and grieving. I don’t wish that on anyone. It is a process and I appreciate your writing and showing up for all of us who grieve…who are depressed. Your voice, your experiences and especially your life matters.
Thank you Anne Moss.