I know Charles thought this. He wrote it. And my wondering it is not the same as wishing it. I never wished it. But I did have this as a fleeting thought after a particularly difficult crisis. Was my intuition trying to warn me what was to come?
When you have struggled with a child’s mental health issues combined with drug abuse problems for many years –and you’ve watched that struggle, at some point, you wonder if they are going to make it. All those crisis calls and the constant worry sucked the life out of me.
The lack of support and search for resources was utterly and completely exhausting especially since he was less than compliant. You advocate and advocate in a system that is so broken and in a society that just doesn’t want to hear anything “unpleasant.” And you see your own child get frustrated, give up and self medicate.
Then you wonder would it be better for them if you would love and let go. Really let go. But then you think that surely if you let go, they’ll pick up the slack, they’ll start to move forward and take flight. And you’ll be there to cheer them on.
And if they don’t? Would they be better if they were free of their pain? I do want to get to the point that I appreciate that he is at peace and not struggling. But I’m not there yet.
I think it hit me at some point that we were life support to someone who was not willing to fight because unrelenting despair and the addiction that went with it had zapped all his strength. I wanted to get him to a place where he could muster strength again. But it was not to be.
If I were to offer any advice, pay attention to those early feelings that something is not right. Don’t avoid a psychological assessment because you are afraid of the outcome.