I am more hypersensitive to the bitterness of others than I ever have been. If ever anyone is entitled to bitterness, I feel it would be those of us who have lost a child. Frankly, I don’t want to live my life feeling that way. It would be a disservice to my son that died as well as the one that lived.
I think the key to leaving bitterness behind is finding my direction and purpose in the most devastating tragedy of my life. My purpose as a mother was to raise my two boys to be thriving adults. To have one of them die by suicide at age 20 wasn’t part of that plan. With that death, my purpose was yanked right out from under me leaving me disoriented and confused. I feel I have been dropped in a desert with no compass. Where do I go from here?
I have found some clarity in grief, however. Or rather intolerance. For one thing, I know I have to minimize contact with people who hemorrhage bitterness. It’s absolutely poisonous to someone struggling through a suicide loss. It’s so easy to jump on the bandwagon of “why me?” yet I find that is not a healthy journey to achieve the sense of purpose that I want to find. I know that’s just step one. And that’s OK. Gotta start somewhere.